YOU KNOW YOU'RE
HAVING A BAD DAY WHEN...
You have to hitch hike to the bank to make
your car payment.
The little league puts you on waivers.
Your suggestion box starts ticking.
Your secretary tells you the FBI is on line
1, the DA is on line 2, and CBS is on line 3.
You see your stockbroker hitchhiking out of
town.
The moths in your money belt starve to
death.
People send your wife sympathy cards on
your anniversary.
Your wife starts charging you rent.
A black cat crosses you path and drops
dead.
You see your wife and your girlfriend
having lunch together.
The plumber floats by on your kitchen
table.
Your pacemaker has only a thirty day
guarantee.
The pest exterminator crawls under your
house and never comes out.
A copy of your birth certificate comes in
the mail marked null and void.
The department of biological warfare ask
for your stew recipe.
Your children's school calls to surrender.
You can't afford to drive your new car.
It takes you three hours to make minute
rice.
You're so bored you play hide & seek
alone.
The fortune teller charges you half price.
People give you the senior citizen discount
and you're only 37.
Your wife takes the dog on vacation and
leaves you at the kennels.
You find a note on the table instead of
supper.
Your wife tapes your picture to the dart
board.
The bribes family throws rocks instead of
rice.
Your wife is sitting on the stove holding a
picket sign.
Your wife wraps your lunch in a road map.
Your plants do better when you don't talk
to them.
The house is messy again before you can
finish cleaning.
Your horn sticks on the freeway behind 32
Hell's Angels motorcyclists.
You've been at work 3 hours before you
notice that your fly is open.
Your twin sister forgets your birthday.
Your birthday cake collapses from the
weight of the candles.
You call suicide prevention and they put
you on hold.
You have to sit down to brush your teeth in
the morning.
Everyone avoids you the morning after the
company office party.
Your income tax refund check bounces.
It costs more to fill up your car than it
did to buy it.
The bird singing outside your window is a
vulture.
You wake up and your braces are stuck
together.
Your blind date turns out to be your
ex-wife.
You put both contacts in the same eye.
Your mother approves of the girl you are
dating.
Your doctor tells you that you're allergic
to chocolate.
You have to borrow from your Visa card to
pay your MasterCard.
Nothing you own is actually paid for.
Everyone loves your driver's license
picture.
You invite the peeping Tom in...and he says
no.
The Gypsy fortune teller offers to refund
your money.
You call your wife and tell her that you'd
like to eat out tonight and when you get home, you find a sandwich on the front porch.
You start to put on the clothes that you
wore home from the party last night...and there aren't any.
You wake up face down on the pavement.
You put your bra on backwards and it fits
better.
You see a "60 Minutes" news team
waiting in your office.
You turn on the news and they're showing
emergency routes out of the city.
You wake up and discover your waterbed
broke and then realize you don't have a waterbed.
Your wife wakes up feeling amorous and you
have a headache.
Your boss tells you not to bother to take
off your coat.
You walk to work and find your dress is
stuck in the back of your pantyhose.
You call your answering service and they
tell you it's none of your business.
Your wife says, "Good morning,
Bill" and your name is George.
 
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