BUMPER SNICKERS
* Constipated people don't give a shit.
* If you don't believe in oral sex, keep
your mouth shut.
* Please tell your pants its not polite to
point.
* It's not how you pick your nose, but
where you put the booger.
* Well, this day was a total waste of
makeup.
* Who are these kids and why are they
calling me Mom?
* Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever
after.
* Do I look like a freakin' people person?
* This isn't an office. It's Hell with
fluorescent lighting.
* If I throw a stick, will you leave?
* Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap
is cheap! You choose.
* Bottomless pit of needs and wants.
* I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes.
* Does your train of thought have a
caboose?
* Allow me to introduce my selves.
* Sarcasm is just one more service we
offer.
* Better living through denial.
* Whatever kind of look you were going for,
you missed.
* Suburbia: Where they tear out the trees
and then name streets after them.
* Do they ever shut up on your planet?
* I'm just working here till a good
fast-food job opens up.
* Are those your eyeballs? I found them in
my cleavage.
* I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
* I'm trying to imagine you with a
personality.
* Here I am! Now what are your other two
wishes?
* Back off! You're standing in my aura.
* I can't remember if I'm the good twin or
the evil one.
* Don't worry. I forgot your name, too!
* I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.
* You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad
thing.
* Can I trade this job for what's behind
door #2?
* Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
* Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
* Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for
my friends deep inside the earth.
* I plead contemporary insanity.
* And which dwarf are you?
* I thought I wanted a career, turns out I
just wanted paychecks.
* How do I set a laser printer to stun?
* It ain't the size, it's... no, it's the
size.
* Meandering to a different drummer.
* I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly
alert.
* Errors have been made. Others will be
blamed.
* Could you drive better if I shoved that
cell phone up your ASS?
* If you can read this, I can slam on my
brakes and sue you.
* 100,000 sperm and YOU were the fastest?
* You're just jealous because the voices
are talking to me and not you!
* DON'T PISS ME OFF! I'M RUNNING OUT OF
PLACES TO HIDE THE BODIES.
* Forget world peace. Visualize using your
turn signal.
* All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make
Better Pets
* So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute.
* Rainy days and automatic weapons always
get me down.
* A woman's place is in the mall.
* They've found something that does the
work of 5 men...1 woman.
* A husband is living proof that a wife can
take a joke.
* Time flies when you don't know what
you're doing.
* I used to be disgusted, now, I'm just
amused.
* We are the people our parents warned us
about.
* There is intelligent life on Earth, but
I'm just visiting.
* I've always been crazy, but it's kept me
from going insane.
* I'm not deaf. I'm ignoring you.
* Whatever it is I'm against it.
* If you're looking for me I just left.
* I'm really enjoying not talking to you.
Let's not talk again real soon, OK?
* Sorry but my karma just ran over your
dogma.
* Why be difficult when with just a little
effort you can be impossible?
* It seems to me that your antenna doesn't
bring in too many stations anymore.
* Used to be an idealist, but I got mugged
by reality.
* I don't know, I don't care and it doesn't
make any difference.
* Don't ask me any questions. I just might
tell you the truth.
* Hard work may not kill me, but why take
chances.
* Work fascinates me. I could sit and watch
it for hours.
* Being normal is driving me crazy.
* Why listen to reason when insanity
prevails.
* There is no excuse for laziness, but I'm
working on it.
* Thrill me, then leave.
* I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want
to be there when it happens.
* Ax me about Ebonics.
* Don't be sexist - broads hate that.
* Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway.
* Heart Attacks...God's Revenge for Eating
His Animal Friends.
* Honk if you've never seen an Uzi fired
from a car window.
* How many roads must a man travel down
before he admits he is lost.
* If you can't dazzle them with brilliance,
riddle them with bullets.
* If you lived in your car, you'd be home
by now.
* CAUTION: I drive just like you!
* Stupidity does not qualify as a handicap,
park elsewhere!
* Get off my ass and I'll let you pass!
* All men are Idiots and I married their
King!
* Silly Faggots, Dicks are for Chicks!
* Don't steal, the government hates
competition.
* I used to be indecisive; now I'm not
sure.
* Everyone is entitled to my opinion.
* ONE TEQUILA......TWO TEQUILA......THREE
TEQUILA......FLOOR.
* I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to
take what you've got.
* Jesus loves you...Everyone else thinks
you're an asshole.
* I'm just driving this way to piss you
off.
* So many pedestrians, so little time.
* Someday we'll look back on all this and
plow into a parked car.
* There are very few personal problems that
cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
* Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you
how to get along without it.
* Accept that some days you're the pigeon
and some days you're the statue.
* I don't have an attitude problem. You
have a perception problem.
* My Reality Check bounced.
* If Bill Clinton is the answer, it must
have been a stupid question!
* I don't suffer from stress. I'm a
carrier.
* You're slower than a herd of turtles
stampeding through peanut butter.
* Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
* Horn broken, watch for finger.
* Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
* Everyone has a photographic memory.
Some don't have film.
* Save the whales. Collect the whole
set.
* A day without sunshine is like, night.
* Few women admit their age.. Fewer men act
it.
* Change is inevitable, except from a
vending machine.
* Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in
reverse?
* When the chips are down, the buffalo is
empty.
* Seen it all, done it all, can't remember
most of it.
* Those who live by the sword get shot by
those who don't.
* She's always late. Her ancestors arrived
on the June Flower.
* God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my
bombardier.
* I don't have a license to kill. I have a
learner's permit.
* I wasn't born a bitch. Men like you made
me this way.
* Taxation WITH representation isn't so
hot, either!
* Who were the beta testers for
Preparations A through G?
* Madness takes its toll. Please have exact
change.
* Five days a week my body is a temple. The
other two, it's an amusement park.
* Accidents cause people.
* If you can read this, I can hit my brakes
and sue you.
* Whitewater is over when the First Lady
sings.
* Sure you can trust the government! Just
ask an Indian!
* Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never
drink and derive.
* If we are what we eat; I'm cheap, fast,
and easy.
* Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect
them!
* Guns don't kill people, postal workers
do.
* Grow your own dope . . . plant a man.
* Go ahead and honk. I'm reloading.
* Thank God for the I.R.S.; Without
them, I'd be stinking rich!
* I don't suffer from insanity . . . I
enjoy every minute of it!
* Hang up and drive.
* Laugh alone and the world thinks you're
an idiot.
* I don't have to be dead to donate my
organ.
* WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in
ammunition.
* This would be really funny if it wasn't
happening to me.
* I get enough exercise pushing my luck.
* Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
* BEER: It's not just for breakfast
anymore.
* Thank you for pot smoking.
* I got this car for my wife. What a
deal!!
* Born Free... Taxed to Death.
* Forget World Peace, visualize using your
turn signal!
* Jack Kavorkian for White House Physician.
* If I can be of any help... then you're in
worse trouble than I thought.
* Impotence: Nature's way of saying,
"No hard feelings!"
* We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile.
You Will Be Assimilated.
* Your kid may be an honor student but
you're still an IDIOT!
* He who laughs last thinks slowest.
* I took an IQ test and the results were
negative.
* It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE
out to get you.
* Learn from your parents' mistakes - use
birth control!
* Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at
math.
* Okay, who stopped the payment on my
reality check?
* Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
* REHAB is for quitters
* Some people are only alive because it is
illegal to kill.
* The more people I meet, the more I like
my cat.
* Ever stop to think and forget to start
again?
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