CANNIBAL JOKES
Why won't cannibals eat divorced women?
They're very bitter.
Why do cannibals prefer eating readers to
writers?
Because writers cramp but readers digest.
What did the cannibal do after he had
dumped his girlfriend?
Wiped his ass.
Did you hear about the cannibal who passed
his uncle in the woods?
Two cannibals just finished a big meal and
one turns to the other while rubbing his stomach with his fist and say, "You know, I
just ate my mother-in-law, and she still doesn't agree with me!"
What's the definition of Trust?
Two cannibals giving each other a blowjob.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says
to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"
When do cannibals leave the table?
When everyone's eaten.
The first cannibal asked the 2nd cannibal,
"Aren't you done eating yet?" The 2nd cannibal replied, "I'm on
my last leg now."
Did you hear about the cannibal who loved
fast food?
He ordered a pizza with everybody on it.
One cannibal to another: I never
met a man I didn't like!
What is a cannibal's favorite type of TV
show?
A celebrity roast.
Have you heard about the cannibal
restaurant?
Dinner costs an arm and a leg.
Where do cannibals shop for fine
furniture?
Eatin' Allen's.
What do cannibals eat for dessert?
Chocolate covered aunts.
What is a cannibal's favorite game?
Swallow the leader.
What do cannibals make out of politicians?
Bologna sandwiches.
What did the cannibal get when he was late
for dinner?
The cold shoulder.
A man gets captured by cannibals and every
day they poke him with spears and use his blood to wash down their food. Finally the
guy calls the chief over and says, "You can kill me or you can eat me, but I'm
tired of getting stuck for drinks."
Did you hear about the cannibal who was
expelled from school for buttering up his teacher?
Two cannibals were sitting by a fire. The
first says, "Gee, I hate my mother-in-law." The 2nd replies,
"So, try the potatoes.
Cannibal's recipe book: How to Serve
Your Fellow Man.
A cannibal visited his neighbor to admire
his new refrigerator. "What is the storage capacity?" the man asked.
"I'm not exactly sure," the
neighbor replied. "But it at least holds the two men that brought it."
A tourist goes to Africa and asks his
tourist guide while walking in the jungle, "Are we safe here? Aren't there cannibals
around here?"
And the tourist guide says, "Yes. You
can be sure there is no cannibals in Africa."
And the tourist says, "But there may
be still some cannibals."
And the tourist guide says, "No, rest
assured. We ate the last one last Monday."
Two cannibals meet one day. The first
cannibal says, "You know, I just can't seem to get a tender Missionary. I've baked
them, I've roasted them, I've stewed them, I've barbecued them, I've tried every sort of
marinade. I just can't seem to get them tender."
The second cannibal asks, "What kind
of Missionary do you use?"
The other replied, "You know, the ones
that hang out at that place at the bend of the river. They have those brown cloaks with a
rope around the waist and they're sort of bald on top with a funny ring of hair on their
heads."
"Ah, ha!" the second cannibal
replies. "No wonder ... those are FRIARS!"
Two cannibals, a father and son, were
elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle
and waited by a path. Before long, along came this little old man. The son said, "Oh
dad, there's one."
"No," said the father.
"There's not enough meat on that one to even feed the dogs. We'll just wait."
Well, a little while later, along came this
really fat man. The son said, "Hey dad, he's plenty big enough."
"No," the father said. "We'd
all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We'll just wait."
About an hour later, here comes this
absolutely gorgeous woman. The son said, "Now there's nothing wrong with that one
dad. Let's eat her."
"No," said the father.
"We'll not eat her either."
"Why not?" asked the son.
"Because, we're going to take her back
alive and eat your mother."
An airplane full of a shipment of Pepsi
flying over Africa had a malfunction, and went down. A few weeks later, the Pepsi Company
sent a rescue plane. They searched the area and found a tribe of cannibals.
They walked up to the Chief of the tribe
and asked him if he knew anything about the crash.
The Chief said, "You betcha!"
When asked where the crew was, the Chief
replied, "We ate the crew, and we drank the Pepsi."
The Rescue crew were shocked. One man
asked, "Did you eat their legs?"
The chief replied, "We ate their legs,
and we drank the Pepsi."
Another rescuer asked, "Did you eat
their arms?"
The Chief replied, "We ate their arms,
and we drank the Pepsi."
After looking totally perplexed for a
minute, a third asked, "Did you...you know...eat, their...'things'?"
The chief says, "No."
"No?" asked the rescuer.
"No," replied the Chief,
"THINGS go better with Coke."
Two missionaries in Africa were apprehended
by a tribe of very hostile cannibals who put them in a large pot of water, build a huge
fire under it, and left them there. A few minutes later, one of the missionaries started
to laugh uncontrollably.
The other missionary was incredulous, and
said, "What's wrong with you? We're being boiled alive! They're going to eat us! What
could possibly be funny at a time like this?"
The laughing missionary said, "I just
peed in their soup!"
At the site, one lone survivor sat with his
back against a tree, chewing on a bone. As he tossed the bone onto a huge pile of there
bones, he noticed the rescue team. "Thank God", he cried out in relief. "I
am saved!"
The rescue team did not move, as they were
in shock, seeing the pile of human bones beside this lone survivor. Obviously he had eaten
his comrades. The survivor saw the horror in their faces and hung his own head in shame.
"You can't judge me for this," he insisted. "I had to survive. Is it so
wrong to want to live?"
The leader of the rescue team stepped
forward, shaking his head in disbelief. "I won't judge you for doing what was
necessary to survive, but my God man, your plane only went down yesterday!"
These two cannibals kill a missionary. They
argue for a while about how to divide him up, when finally, one of them says, "Okay.
You start at the head and I'll start at the feet."
So they begin their tasty feast. After a
while one of them says, "Hey, this is really great. I'm having a ball."
"Slow down!" cries the other
cannibal "You're eating too fast!"
One day a cannibal visited the neighboring
island of cannibals. There, people cost $2 but politicians cost $25. The
visiting cannibal asked, "How come politicians cost so much?"
The chief answered, "Do you know
how hard it is to clean one of those?"
Two ferocious cannibal chiefs sat licking
their fingers after a large meal. "Your wife makes a delicious roast," one chief
said.
"Thanks," his friend said,
"I'm gonna miss her!"
An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly
finds himself surrounded by a blood thirsty group of cannibals. Upon surveying the
situation, he says quietly to himself, "Oh God, I'm screwed."
There is a ray of light from the sky above
and a voice booms out: "No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and
bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you."
So the explorer picks up the stone and
proceeds to bash the life out of the chief. He stands above the lifeless body, breathing
heavily and surrounded by 100 cannibals with a look of shock on their faces.
The voice booms out again: "Okay . . .
. NOW you're screwed."
There were three men who were lost in the
forest. They were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that
they could live if they pass the trial. The first step of the trial was to go into
the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate
ways to gather fruits.
The first one came back and said to the
king, "I brought ten apples."
The king then explains the trial to him-you
have to shove the fruits up your ass without any expression on your face or you'll be
eaten.
The first apple went in...but on the second
one he winced in pain, so he was killed and went to heaven.
The second guy arrives with ten berries.
When the king explained the trial to him, he thought to himself that this should be
easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8...but on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter,
therefore also was killed.
The first guy and the second guy met in
heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?"
The second one replied, "I
couldn't help it. I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."
The ambassador of a small African nation
chanced to visit Russia, and was entertained by his opposite number, the Russian
ambassador. For three days, the African ambassador was wined, dined, and generally treated
to the best hospitality that Russia had to offer.
On the final day of his visit, the Russian
ambassador said, "As your stay is coming to an end, it is time for you to play our
traditional game, Russian roulette. One of the six chambers of this gun is loaded - you
spin the cylinder, point the gun at your head, and pull the trigger."
This phased the African slightly, but he
was a proud man of a warrior people, and to show fear would be unthinkable. Both men took
their guns, spun, and pulled the triggers. CLICK-CLICK Both chambers were empty, and
both ambassadors breathed a sigh of relief.
The African ambassador was much impressed
with the courageous game, and thought hard about the subject before the Russian Ambassador
was due to visit his country the next year.
When the visit came, the African ambassador
treated the Russian with all hospitality, until the final day of his stay. Leading him to
a private room in the palace, the African ambassador spoke, "Now it is time for you
to sample our game, African roulette". So saying, he led the Russian into the room,
the only occupants of which were six beautiful, naked women.
The African ambassador said, "These
women are the most beautiful members of one of our tribes. Any one of them will give you a
blowjob - take your pick."
The Russian was not entirely averse to this
idea, but he couldn't see the connection with Russian Roulette. He said, "Well, ok,
great, but where's the roulette part? Where's the danger?"
With a big grin on his face, the African
ambassador answered: "One of them is a cannibal."
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