YOU DRINK TOO MUCH
COFFEE WHEN...
* Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
* You ski uphill.
* You get a speeding ticket even when
you're parked.
* You speed walk in your sleep.
* You have a bumper sticker that says:
"Coffee drinkers are good in the sack."
* You answer the door before people knock.
* You haven't blinked since the last lunar
eclipse.
* You just completed another sweater and
you don't know how to knit.
* You grind your coffee beans in your
mouth.
* You sleep with your eyes open.
* You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
* The only time you're standing still is
during an earthquake.
* You can take a picture of yourself from
ten feet away without using the timer.
* You lick your coffeepot clean.
* You spend every vacation visiting
"Maxwell House."
* You're the employee of the month at the
local coffeehouse and you don't even work there.
* You've worn out your third pair of tennis
shoes this week.
* Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
* You chew on other people's fingernails.
* The nurse needs a scientific calculator
to take your pulse.
* You're so jittery that people use your
hands to blend their margaritas.
* You can type sixty words per minute with
your feet.
* You can jump-start your car without
cables.
* All your kids are named "Joe."
* You don't need a hammer to pound in
nails.
* Your only source of nutrition comes from
"Sweet & Low."
* You don't sweat, you percolate.
* You buy milk by the barrel.
* You've worn out the handle on your
favorite mug.
* You go to AA meetings just for the free
coffee.
* You walk twenty miles on your treadmill
before you realize it's not plugged in.
* You forget to unwrap candy bars before
eating them.
* You've built a miniature city out of
little plastic stirrers.
* People get dizzy just watching you.
* When you find a penny, you say,
"Find a penny, pick it up. Sixty-three more, I'll have a cup."
* You've worn the finish off your coffee
table.
* The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt
you.
* Starbucks owns the mortgage on your
house.
* Your taste buds are so numb you could
drink your lava lamp.
* You're so wired, you pick up FM radio.
* People can test their batteries in your
ears.
* Your life's goal IS to "amount to a
hill of beans."
* Instant coffee takes too long.
* You channel surf faster without a remote.
* When someone says. "How are
you?", you say, "Good to the last drop."
* You want to be cremated just so you can
spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can.
* You want to come back as a coffee mug in
your next life.
* Your birthday is a national holiday in
Brazil.
* You'd be willing to spend time in a
Turkish prison.
* You go to sleep just so you can wake up
and smell the coffee.
* You're offended when people use the word
"brew" to mean beer.
* You name your cats "Cream" and
"Sugar."
* You get drunk just so you can sober up.
* You speak perfect Arabic without ever
taking a lesson.
* Your Thermos is on wheels.
* Your lips are permanently stuck in the
sipping position.
* You have a picture of your coffee mug on
your coffee mug.
* You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
* You short out motion detectors.
* You have a conniption over spilled milk.
* You don't even wait for the water to boil
anymore.
* Your nervous twitch registers on the
Richter scale.
* You think being called a "drip"
is a compliment.
* You don't tan, you roast.
* You don't get mad, you get steamed.
* Your three favorite things in life
are...coffee before and coffee after.
* Your lover uses soft lights, romantic
music, and a glass of iced coffee to get you in the mood.
* You can't even remember your second cup.
* You help your dog chase its tail.
* You soak your dentures in coffee
overnight.
* Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of
London.
* You introduce your spouse as your
"Coffeemate."
* You think CPR stands for "Coffee
Provides Resuscitation."
* Your first-aid kit contains two pints of
coffee with an I.V. hookup.
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