Rule #1: If you're
traveling, never ever eat in any place called "Mom's" -- well, unless the only
other places in town to dine are named "Eats" and "Dirty Harry's".
Rule #2: If you've
entered a restaurant in the "Little Italy" section of the town, and you've
noticed all the waiters are wearing shoulder holsters, you'd better just leave.
Rule #3: If you're
waiting in line to be seated at a nice restaurant, you can always figure a wait of two
hours or a twenty -- whichever comes first.
Rule #4: If you're
given a choice of tables by the maitre d'hotel, my suggestion is that you always request
one near a waiter.
Rule #5: If you
notice that the tablecloth and the napkins are made of a better material than any suit you
own, you'd better hope your credit card is not maxed-out.
Rule #6: If you're
in a fancy restaurant and you find you cannot pronounce some dish on the menu, chances are
you probably can't afford it either.
Rule #7: If you've
been served bread and rolls while awaiting your meal, and you find the place is using a
cheap substitute for margarine, you'd probably better just leave.
Rule #8: If you
notice a bottle of Maalox along with a variety of other antacids among the condiments on
the table, you'd probably better not order anything spicy.
