WHAT TO DO AT THE
FUNERAL OF SOMEONE YOU DON'T LIKE
* Tell the widow you're sure you saw him
move.
* Go to the funeral dressed as the
deceased, and call the widow a fraud.
* Bring a dog to the funeral and have him
play dead.
* Sign the deceased's name in the guest
register.
* Ask the widow to pose for a picture with
her arm around the coffin, and then stall for a long time, pretending you can't get the
camera to work, finally giving up because the batteries are dead.
* Bring a shovel to the church.
* Ask the widow if you think it would do
any good to shake him.
* Put waxed lips on the body.
* Ask the widow how long she's been sure
he's dead.
* Tell the widow a lot of his favorite TV
shows were cancelled anyway.
* Put a bumper sticker on the hearse that
says, "I'd rather be breathing!"
* Ask the widow how long it will be before
she starts dating.
* Tell the deceased's mother that you never
expected them to go in this order.
* Put a parking ticket on the coffin.
* Ask the widow if she's going to ride to
the cemetery with the body
* Hide behind the casket and talk to the
mourners as they kneel in front of the body.
* Send the widow a singing telegram from
the deceased.
* Tell the younger children at the funeral
that it is appropriate to sign the coffin.
* Ask the widow if you can take a finger.
* Tell the widow in a loud stage whisper,
"I'll bet this is costing you a pretty penny."
* Ask the deceased's mother what she was
doing when she got the news.
* Tell the widow that the body doesn't look
comfortable.
* Ask the widow if she's aware of any job
openings.
* Comment often on the similarity between
John F. Kennedy and the deceased.
* Tell the widow you think he'd look better
on his side.
* Tell the widow you suspect foul play.
* Keep trying to French kiss the widow.
* Entertain the guests with a hand-puppet
replica of the deceased.
* Put a lit cigarette in the deceased's
mouth.
* Put a pair of shoes under the coffin.
* Wear a "Grateful Dead" t-shirt
to the wake.
* Put a check to the deceased's favorite
charity in the coffin.
* Sing "Tea For One" at the
church.
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