HOW
TO HANDLE STRESS
* Drive to work in reverse.
* Dance naked in front of your pets.
* Use your Mastercard to pay your Visa
bill.
* Make a list of things you have already
done.
* Pop some popcorn without putting the lid
on.
* Find out what a frog in a blender really
looks like.
* Bill your doctor for the time you spent
in his waiting room.
* Jam tiny marshmallows up your nose and
try to sneeze them out.
* Read the dictionary backwards and look
for subliminal messages.
* When someone says "Have a nice
day!" tell them you have other plans.
* Start a nasty rumor and see if you
recognize it when it gets back to you.
* Go shopping and buy everything. Sweat in
them. Return them the next day.
* Thumb through the National Geographic and
draw underwear on the natives.
* Put your toddlers clothes on backward and
send her off to preschool as if nothing is wrong.
* Get a box of condoms then wait in line at
the checkout counter and ask a cashier where the fitting rooms are.
* Take shopping carts for the express
purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.
* Get boxes of condoms and randomly put
them in peoples carts when they don't realize it.
* Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten
minute intervals throughout the day.
* Run up to an employee (preferably a male)
while squeezing your legs together and practically yell at him "Where are your
tampons?"
* Try on bras over top of your clothes.
* Make a trail of orange juice on the
ground, leading to the restroom.
* While walking around the store, sing in
your loudest voice possible I" smell sex and candy!"
* Walk up to an employee and tell him in an
official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in housewares," and see what happens.
* Tune all the radios to a polka station;
then turn them all off and turn the volumes to "10."
* Challenge other customers to duels with
tubes of gift wrap.
* Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.
* Test the fishing rods and see what you
can "catch" from the other aisles.
* Put M&M's on layaway.
* Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs
to carpeted areas.
* Set up a tent in the camping department;
tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.
* Contaminate the entire auto department by
sampling all the spray air fresheners.
* Nonchalantly "test" the brushes
and combs in Cosmetics.
* When someone asks if you need help, begin
to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"
* Look right into the security camera, and
use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.
* Take up an entire aisle in Toys by
setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.
* Ask other customers if they have any Grey
Poupon.
* While handling guns in the hunting
department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.
* Switch the men's and women's signs on the
doors of the restroom.
* Dart around suspiciously while humming
the theme from "Mission Impossible."
* Set up a "Valet Parking" sign
in front of the store.
* In the auto department, practice your
"Madonna" look with various funnels.
* Hide in the clothing racks and when
people browse through, say things like "Pick me!! Pick me!!" and scare them into
believing that the clothes are talking to them.
* When an announcement comes over the
loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices
again!"
* Go to an empty checkout stand and try to
check people out.
* Drag a lounge chair on display over to
the magazines and relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you
don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.
* Go into the dressing room and yell real
loud..."Hey, were out of toilet paper in here!"
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