WARNING
SIGNS OF INSANITY
* You write to your mother in Germany every
week, even though she sends you mail from Iowa asking why you never write.
* You wake up each morning and find
yourself sitting on your head in the middle of your front lawn.
* You wear your boxers on your head because
you heard it will ward of evil dandruff spirits.
* You have a predominant fear of fabric
softener.
* Everyone you meet appears to have
tentacles growing out of them, in places you wouldn't even expect tentacles to be growing
from!
* You're always having to apologize to your
next door neighbor for setting fire to his lawn decorations.
* Every commercial you hear on the radio
reminds you of death.
* You laugh out loud during funerals.
* Nobody listens to you anymore, because
they can't understand you through that scuba mask.
* You begin to stop and consider all of the
blades of grass you've stepped on as a child, and worry that their ancestors are going to
one day seek revenge.
* You have meaningful conversations with
your toaster. (Well, it's a better conversationalist than the waffle iron!)
* You collect dead windowsill flies.
* Every time the phone rings, you shout,
"Hey! An angel just got its wings!"
* You like cats. Especially with mustard.
* You scream "I've got a knife!"
while wielding your toothbrush to people who try to sell you things.
* You cry at the end of every episode of
Gilligan's Island, because they weren't rescued.
* You put tennis balls in the microwave to
see if they'll hatch.
* Whenever you listen to the radio, the
music sounds backwards.
* Your dentist asks you why each individual
tooth has your name etched on it, and you tell him it's for security reasons.
* When the waiter asks for your order, you
ask to go into another room to tell him, because "the napkins have ears."
* You tend to agree with everything your
mother's dead uncle tells you.
* You call up random people and ask if you
can borrow their dog, just for a few minutes.
* You argue with yourself about which is
better, to be eaten by a koala or to be loved by an infectious disease.
* You like to sit in cornfields for
prolonged periods of time, and pretend that you're a stalk.
* You think that exploding wouldn't be so
bad, once you got used to it.
* People offer you help, but you
unfortunately interpret this as a violation of your rights as a boysenberry.
 
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