IRS JOKES
I want to join a violent, armed group with
no regard for the law... but the IRS isn't hiring.
The local bar was so sure that its
bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The
bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass and hand the lemon to
a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many
people had tried over time (weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.
One day this scrawny little man came in,
wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd
like to try the bet."
After the laughter had died down, the
bartender said okay, grabbed a lemon and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled
remains of the rind to the little man.
But the crowd's laughter turned to total
silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid
the $1000, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a
lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?"
The man replied, "I work for the
IRS."
A new arrival, about to enter hospital, saw
two white coated doctors searching through the flower beds.
"Excuse me," he said. "Have
you lost something?"
"No," replied one of the doctors.
"We're doing a heart transplant for an income-tax inspector and want to find a
suitable stone."
Dear Sirs:
I am responding to your letter denying the
deduction for two of the three dependents I claimed on my 1998 Federal Tax return.
Thank you. I have questioned whether these
are my children or not for years. They are evil and expensive.
It's only fair that since they are minors
and not my responsibility that the government (who evidently is taxing me more to care for
these waifs) knows something about them and what to expect over the next year. You may
apply next year to reassign them to me and reinstate the deduction.
This year they are yours!
The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is
brilliant. Ask her! I suggest you put her to work in your office where she can answer
people's questions about their returns. While she has no formal training, it has not
seemed to hamper her knowledge of any other subject you can name. Taxes should be a
breeze; Next year she is going to college. I think it's wonderful that you will now be
responsible for that little expense. While you mull that over keep in mind that she has a
truck. It doesn't run at the moment so you have the immediate decision of appropriating
some Department of Defense funds to fix the vehicle or getting up early to drive her to
school. Kristen also has a boyfriend. Oh joy. While she possesses all of the wisdom of the
universe, her alleged mother and I have felt it best to occasionally remind her of the
virtues of abstinence, and in the face of overwhelming passion, safe sex. This is always
uncomfortable and I am quite relieved you will be handling this in the future. May I
suggest that you reinstate Joycelyn Elders, who had a rather good handle on the problem.
Patrick is 14. I've had my suspicions about
this one. His eyes are a little close together for normal people. He may be a tax examiner
himself one day if you do not incarcerate him first. In February I was awakened at three
in the morning by a police officer who was bringing Pat home. He and his friends were
TP'ing houses. In the future would you like him delivered to the local IRS office or to
Ogden, UT? Kids at 14 will do almost anything on a dare. His hair is purple. Permanent
dye, temporary dye, what's the big deal? Learn to deal with it. You'll have plenty of time
as he is sitting out a few days of school after instigating a food fight. I'll take care
of filing your phone number with the vice principal. Oh yes, he and all of his friends
have raging hormones. This is the house of testosterone and it will be much more peaceful
when he lives in your home. DO NOT leave any of them unsupervised with girls, explosives,
inflammables, inflatables, vehicles, or telephones. (I'm sure that you will find
telephones a source of unimaginable amusement, and be sure to lock out the 900 and 976
numbers!)
Heather is an alien. She slid through a
time warp and appeared quite by magic one year. I'm sure this one is yours. She is 10
going on 21. She came from a bad trip in the sixties. She wears tie-dyed clothes, beads,
sandals, and hair that looks like Tiny Tim's. Fortunately you will be raising my taxes to
help offset the pinch of her remedial reading courses. Hooked On Phonics is expensive so
the schools dropped it. Good news! You can buy it yourself for half the amount of the
deduction that you are denying! It's quite obvious that we were terrible parents (ask the
other two) so they have helped raise this one to a new level of terror. She cannot speak
English. Most people under twenty understand the curious patois she fashioned out of
valley girls/boys in the hood/reggae/ yuppie/ political doublespeak. I don't. The school
sends her to a speech pathologist who has her roll her R's. It added a refreshing
Mexican/Irish touch to her voice. She wears hats backwards, pants baggy and wants one of
her ears pierced four more times. There is a fascination with tattoos that worries me but
I am sure that you can handle it. Bring a truck when you come to get her, as she sort of
"nests" in her room and I think that it would be easier to move the entire thing
than find out what it is really made of.
You denied two of the three exemptions so
it is only fair you get to pick which two you will take. I prefer that you take the
youngest, I still go bankrupt with Kristen's college but then I am free! If you take the
two oldest then I still have time for counseling before Heather becomes a teenager. If you
take the two girls then I won't feel so bad about putting Patrick in a military academy.
Please let me know of your decision as soon as possible as I have already increased the
withholding on my W-4 to cover the $395 in additional tax and to make a down payment on an
airplane.
Yours Truly,
Bob
Called in for an audit, Mr. Briggs was
confronted by a surly IRS agent. "It says here, Mr. Briggs, that you are a bachelor;
yet you claim a dependent son. Surely this must be a mistake."
Looking him straight in the eye, Mr. Briggs
replied, "Yup, it surely was."
A man, called to testify at the IRS (The US
tax authority) asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your
shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper." Then he asked his
lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them
intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."
Confused, the man went to his rabbi, told
him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma.
"Let me tell you a story," replied the rabbi. "A woman,
about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear
a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she
asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. 'Wear your most sexy
negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel."
The man protested: "What does
all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?"
"No matter what you wear, you are
going to get screwed!"
A prostitute goes into the tax preparer to
get her tax form done. "Okay," says the tax guy, "We need to list your
profession for income purposes."
"Well," she says,
"Prostitution."
"No, no we can't put that down!"
the tax guy says.
"Oh well, then a hooker," she
says.
"No, no, still won't accept
that."
So she thinks for a minute and replies,
"Chicken farmer."
"Chicken farmer?" says the tax
guy.
"Sure," she says, "I raised
over 200 cocks last year!"
The stockbroker received notice from the
IRS that he was being audited. He showed up at the appointed time and place with all his
financial records, then sat for what seemed like hours as the accountant poured over them.
Finally the IRS agent looked up and
commented, "You must have been a tremendous fan of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle."
"Why would you say that?"
wondered the broker.
"Because you've made more brilliant
deductions on your last three returns than Sherlock Holmes made in his entire
career."
A couple of weeks after hearing a sermon on
Psalms 51:2-4 and Psalms 52:3-4 (lies and deceit), a man wrote the following letter to the
IRS:
I have been unable to sleep, knowing that I
have cheated on my income tax. I understated my taxable income, and have enclosed a check
for $150.00.
Sincerely,
Taxpayer
P. S. If I still can't sleep, I will send
the rest.
A businessman on his deathbed called his
friend and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my
remains cremated."
"And what," his friend asked,
"Do you want me to do with your ashes?"
The businessman said, "Just put them
in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service and write on the envelope,
"Now you have everything."
THEY COME ON APRIL
15TH DEAR
(To the tune It Came Upon a Midnight Clear)
They come on April 15th
dear,
To take away our gold.
Tax men unmoved by plea or tear,
It makes your blood run cold.
Oh income tax! You break our
backs,
The government takes all.
A thief by any other name
Would never have such gall.
(From An Irishman)
Dear Sirs,
Your letter arrived this morning in an open
envelope and it would have given the son and myself pleasure had it not revived in us a
melancholy reflection of what has gone before.
You say you thought the account could have
been settled long ago, and you could not understand why it hadn't. Well, here are the
reasons. In 1987, I purchased a hay shed on credit. In 1988 I bought a combine harvester,
a manure spreader, two horses, a double barrel shifter, two cows and ten razor back pigs,
also on credit.
In 1989, the bloody hay shed burnt to the
ground leaving not a damn thing. I got no insurance either as the bloody premium had
lapsed. One of the horses went lame and I loaned the other one to my brother who starved
the poor bugger to death.
In 1990, my father died and my brother was
put away when he tried to marry one of his sheep named Hilda. A knacker got my daughter
pregnant and I had to pay him a grand to stop him becoming one of my relatives.
In 1991, my son got the mumps which spread
to his balls and he had to be castrated to save his life. Later in the year I went fishing
on the Shannon and the bloody boat overturned, drowning two of my sons, neither being the
eunuch who was by now wearing his sisters make-up and dresses. Not long after he emigrated
to America with the new parish priest. They are now married and trying for children.
In 1992, my wife ran away with a pig jobber
from Drumlish and left me with new born twins as a souvenir and I had to get a
housekeeper, so I married her to keep down expenses. I had a hell of a job getting her
pregnant (to qualify for more children's allowance). I went to see the doctor. He advised
me to create some excitement at the crucial moment so that night I brought my shotgun to
bed and when I thought the moment was right leaned out of bed and shot both barrels
through the window, the wife shit the bed, I ruptured myself, and the next morning I found
I had blown both doors off the barn, shot my best dairy cow and killed the knacker who was
in the hay loft with my daughter trying to get more money out of me, which he did because
I had to pay for the funeral expenses.
The next year, 1993, someone cut the balls
off my prize bull, poisoned the water, and set fire to the house. I was bolloxed and took
to the drink and did not stop until all I had left was a pocket watch and a weak bladder.
Winding the watch and running for a piss kept me busy for a time. This year I took heart
again and bought (on the hire purchase) a bulldozer, tractor and trailer and a new bull.
Then the Shannon flooded and washed the bloody lot away, my second wife got V.D. from a
land inspector and my last surviving son died from wiping his arse on a poisoned rabbit I
had put down for dogs who were worrying the sheep.
It surprises me very much that you say you
will cause trouble if I don't pay up. If you can think of anything I've missed I should
like to know about it. Trying to get money out of me will be like trying to poke butter up
a hedgehog's hole with a red hot needle.
I'm praying for a cloud of cat's shit to
pass your way and I hope it will fall on you and the bastards in your office who sent me
this final demand.
Yours for more credit,
John Murphy.
A visitor from Holland was chatting with
his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the
Netherlands flag.
"Our flag symbolizes our taxes,"
he said. "We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and
blue after we pay them."
"That's the same with us," the
American said, "Only we see stars, too."
TAXPAYER'S LAMENT
Tax his cow, Tax his goat;
Tax his pants, Tax his coat;
Tax his crop, Tax his work;
Tax his ties, Tax his shirt;
Tax his chew, Tax his smoke
(now ain't that the truth);
Teach him taxing is no joke.
Tax his tractor, Tax his mule;
Tell him, Taxing is the rule.
Tax his oil, Tax his gas
(again ain't that the truth)
Tax his notes, Tax his cash (oh boy a pattern emerges);
Tax him good and let him know,
That after taxes, he has no dough.
If he hollers, Tax him more;
Tax him till he's good and sore.
Tax his coffin, Tax his grave,
Tax his sod in which he's laid.
Put these words upon his
tomb,
"Taxes drove him to his doom."
After he's gone, we won't relax,
We'll still collect inheritance tax.
A man had fallen between the rails in a
subway station. People were all crowding around trying to get him out before the train ran
him over. They were all shouting,"Give me your hand!" But the man would not
reach up.
Joe elbowed his way through the crowd and
leaned over the man. "Friend," he asked, "What is your profession?"
"I am an income tax inspector,"
gasped the man.
"In that case," said Joe,
"Take my hand!"
The man immediately grasped the Joe's hand
and was hauled to safety. Joe turned to the amazed by-standers and declared, "Never
ask a tax man to *give* you anything, you fools!"
One day, at a local buffet, a man suddenly
called out, "My son's choking! He swallowed a quarter! Help! Please, anyone!
Help!"
A man from a nearby table stood up and
announced that he was quite experienced at this sort of thing. He stepped over with almost
no look of concern at all, wrapped his arms around the boy, and squeezed. Out popped the
quarter. The man then went back to his table as though nothing had happened.
"Thank you! Thank you!" the
father cried. "Are you a paramedic?"
"No," replied the man. "I
work for the IRS."
Late one night a mugger wearing a ski mask
jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. "Give me your
money," he demanded.
Indignant, the affluent man replied,
"You can't do this - I'm a US Congressman!"
"In that case," replied the
robber, "Give me MY money!"
PAYING THE IRS WHAT
THEY ARE DUE
There was a man who computed his taxes for
1997 & found that he owed $3407. He packaged up his payment and included this letter:
Dear IRS:
Enclosed is my 1997 Tax Return &
payment. Please take note of the attached article from the USA Today newspaper. In the
article, you will see that the Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid
$600.00 for a toilet seat.
Please find enclosed four toilet seats
(value $2400) and six hammers (value $1029).
This brings my total payment to $3429.00.
Please note the overpayment of $22.00 and apply it to the "Presidential Election
Fund," as noted on my return. Might I suggest you the send the above mentioned fund a
"1.5 inch screw." (See attached article...HUD paid $22.00 for a 1.5 inch
Phillips Head Screw.)
It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill
this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year. I just saw an article about
the Pentagon and "screwdrivers."
Sincerely,
I. Gettook Everyear
A nervous taxpayer was unhappily conversing
with the IRS Tax auditor who had come to review his records. At one point the auditor
exclaimed, "Mr. Carr, we feel it is a great privilege to be allowed to live and work
in the USA. As a citizen you have an obligation to pay taxes, and we expect you to eagerly
pay them with a smile."
"Thank goodness," returned Mr.
Carr, with a giant grin on his face from ear to ear. "I thought you were going to
want me to pay with cash."
In order to simplify tax collections in the
near future, the IRS will issue a new easier to use tax form. They call it the 1040 Xtra
EZ. After your name, address, and Social Security number, it has only four lines on two
pages:
1040 Xtra EZ To Do Tax Form
US Government. Form Scru-u-R
Page I.
1. How much money did you make this year?
$________
2. SEND IT IN. $________
Page II
1. Take out a loan for more.
2. Send it all to us. $________
HOW TO ANNOY THE IRS
(Without Getting In Trouble!)
Well, it's tax time again, boys and girls.
So cough it up if you haven't already! But no one says you have to go gentle into that
dark night. Here are some hints on how to annoy the IRS if you owe them money...
1. Always put staples in the right hand
corner. Go ahead and put them down the whole right side. The extractors who remove the
mail from the envelopes have to take out any staples on the right side.
2. Never arrange paperwork in the right
order, or even facing the right way. Put a few upside down and backwards. That way they
have to remove all your staples, rearrange your paperwork and re-staple it (on the left
side).
3. Line the bottom of your envelope with
Elmer's glue and let it dry before you put in you forms, so that the automated opener
doesn't open it and the extractor has to open it by hand.
4. If you're very unfortunate and have to
pay taxes, use a two or three party check. On top of paying with a third party check, pay
one of the dollars you owe in cash. When an extractor receives cash, no matter how small
an amount, s/he has to take it to a special desk and fill out of few nasty forms.
5. Write a little letter of appreciation.
Any letter received has to be read and stamped regardless of what it is or what it's on.
6. Write your letter on something misshapen
and unconventional. Like on the back of a Kroger sack.
7. When you mail it, mail it in a big
envelope (even if its just a single EZ form). Big envelopes have to be torn and sorted
differently than regular business size ones. An added bonus to the big envelope is that
they take priority over other mail, so the workers can hurry up and deal with your mess.
8. If you send two checks, they'll have to
staple your unsightly envelope to your half destroyed form.
9. Always put extra paper clips on your
forms. Any foreign fasteners or the like have to be removed and put away.
10. Sign your name in ink on every page.
Any signature has to be verified and then date stamped.
These are just a few of the fun and
exciting things you can do with the IRS. These methods are *only* recommended when you owe
money.
THE IRS INSPECTOR
An IRS official has come to a rural
synagogue for an inspection. The rabbi is accompanying him.
"So rabbi, tell me, please, after you
have distributed all your unleavened bread, what do you do with the crumbs?"
"Why, we gather them carefully and
send them to the city and then they make bread of them again and send it to us."
"Ah. So what about candles after they
are burnt? What do you do with the ends?"
"We send them to the city as well, and
they make new candles from them and send them to us."
"And what about circumcision? What do
you do with those leftover pieces?"
The rabbi, wearily, replies, "We send
them to the city as well."
"To the city!? And what do they send
to you?"
"Today they have sent you to us."
|
