MAN'S
BEGINNING
In the beginning God created the heaven and
the Earth. And the Earth was without form, and void, and darkness was upon the face of the
deep.
And the Devil said, "It doesn't get
any better than this."
And God said, "Let there be
light," and there was light. And God said, "Let the earth bring forth grass, the
herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit," and God saw that it was good.
And the Devil said, "There goes the
neighborhood."
And God said, "Let us make Man in our
image, after our likeness, and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over
the fowl of the air and over the cattle, and over all the Earth, and over every creeping
thing that creepeth upon the Earth." And so God created Man in his own image; male
and female created he them. And God looked upon Man and Woman and saw that they were lean
and fit.
And the Devil said, "I know how I can
get back in this game."
And God populated the earth with broccoli
and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman
would live long and healthy lives.
And the Devil created McDonald's. And
McDonald's brought forth the 99-cent double cheeseburger. And the Devil said to Man,
"You want fries with that?" And Man said, "Supersize them." And Man
gained 5 pounds.
And God created the healthful yogurt, that
woman might keep her figure that man found so fair. And the Devil brought forth chocolate.
And Woman gained 5 pounds.
And God said, "Try my crispy fresh
salad." And the Devil brought forth Ben and Jerry's. And Woman gained 10 pounds.
And God said, "I have sent thee
heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them." And the Devil
brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained 10
pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.
And God brought forth running shoes and Man
resolved to lose those extra pounds. And the Devil brought forth cable TV with remote
control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And Man
gained another 20 pounds.
And God said, "You're running up the
score, Devil." And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and
brimming with nutrition. And the Devil peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the
starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And the Devil created sour cream dip.
And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol. And
the Devil saw and said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.
And God sighed and created quadruple bypass
surgery. And the Devil canceled Man's health insurance.
Then God showed Woman how to peel the skin
off chicken and cook the nourishing whole grain brown rice. And the Devil created light
beer so Man could poison his body with alcohol while feeling righteous because he had to
drink twice as much of the now-insipid brew to get the same buzz. And Man gained another
ten pounds.
And God created the life-giving tofu. And
Woman ventured forth into the land of Godiva Chocolate and upon returning asked Man,
"Do I look fat?"
And the Devil said, "Always tell the
truth." And Man did. And Woman went out from the presence of Man and dwelt in the
land of the divorce lawyer, East of the marriage counselor. And Woman put aside the seeds
of the earth and took unto herself comfort food.
And God brought forth Weight Watchers. It
didn't help. And God created exercise machines with easy payments. And man brought forth
his Visa at 21 percent. And the exercise machine went to dwell in the closet of Nod, east
of the polyester leisure suit.
And in the fullness of time, Woman received
the exercise machine from Man in the property settlement. It didn't help her, either.
And God created the computer and the
Internet so man and woman could invest in stocks, read the news, write emails to family
and friends from around the world to keep in touch and God saw that it was good.
Thus the Devil invented computer games, and
Internet chat rooms so that man and woman would stay plugged into the computer, meet some
of his weirdest acolytes, and not exercise for hours, days, weeks on end. And the man and
woman gained 25 pounds. And the Devil was happy.
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