THE NEW BARBIE DOLLS
* White Trash Barbie:
She's larger and meaner than them other prissy, stuck-up, think-thur-better'n-you Barbies!
Now every girl can live the fantasy of ignorance and poverty with her special trailer-park
friend. Every White Trash Barbie comes complete with: two packs of Marlboro Lights for
Barbie's smoking pleasure, a six-pack of cheap beer to refresh Barbie during her busy day
of bitching and watching TV, stylish, every occasion Spandex pants*, halter top and
sandals (*Hot pants or blue jean cutoffs may be substituted on dolls shipped to Arkansas).
* Abusive Boyfriend Ken:
With asskickn' leg action and pimpslap backhand. With cowboy boots and MD 20/20 bottle.
Curses, mumbles when string is pulled.
* Married Life Ken: With
Beer-bustin' expanding waist*. Molded to recliner. With TV remote, beer, chips. Says
"Shut up woman," and "Git me a beer." (*Waist cannot be reduced once
expanded).
* Aussie Barbie: This
Barbie can run-down a 'roo, cook it for dinner, pick-up the kids, pull the leeches off the
kids, change a tire on the Land Rover, wrestle a croc', make her own clothes, repair the
roof, toss-out all the poisonous snakes from the house, and all before Ken comes stumbling
home drunk.
* Bisexual Barbie: Comes
in a package with Skipper and Ken.
* Melrose Place Barbie:
Comes with her own Barbie Dream Apartment, where Skipper and the rest of the gang live
together. Other accessories include a bottle of vodka, silk sheets, and an arrest warrant.
* Dr. Barbie, Medicine Woman:
This helpful doll offers other homesteaders important tips like what conditioner to use on
the Plains, and how to take care of one's nails while shoeing a horse.
* America's Most Wanted Barbie:
She's on the run after 30 years of crimes against feminism!
* Oprah Barbie: Push a
button on her back and she actually speaks! Hold your very own talk show with topics like
how tough math class really is, Ballerina barbie's struggle with bulimia, Kens who wear
Barbie's clothes.
* My So-Called Barbie: She
faces the same troubling issues as teens who don't have huge wardrobes, perfect bods,
pools, ponies and boyfriends.
* Roseanne Barbie: The
dark side of the American Dream is explored with this doll, which shows what happens after
Barbie graduated from high school, married too young and ate too much.
* Murder, Barbie Wrote:
Whenever this elder states woman of the Barbie set (she's 27!) arrives in the playhouse,
all the other dolls mysteriously disappear.
* Bifocals Barbie: Comes
with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors (half-frames too!),
neck chain and large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.
* Hot Flash Barbie: Press
Barbie's bellybutton and watch her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration
appear on her forehead! With hand-held fan and tiny tissues.
* Facial Hair Barbie: As
Barbie's hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow! Available with teensy tweezers and
Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.
* Cook's Arms Barbie:
Hide Barbie's droopy triceps with these new, roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy
front, too: muu-muus are back! Cellulite cream and loofah sponge optional.
* Bunion Barbie: Years of
disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbie's dainty arched
feet. Soothe her sores with this pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules.
Colors: pink, rose, blush.
* No More Wrinkles Barbie:
Erase those pesky crow's-feet and lip lines with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from
Barbie's own line of exclusive age-blasting cosmetics.
* Soccer Mom Barbie: All
that experience as a cheerleader is really paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high
school megaphone to root for Babs and Ken Jr. With minivan in robin's egg blue or white,
and cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch.
* Midlife Crisis Barbie:
It's time to ditch Ken. Barbie needs a change, and Bruce (her personal trainer) is just
what the doctor ordered, along with Prozac. They're hopping in her new red Miata and
heading for the Napa Valley to open a B&B. Comes with real tape of "Breaking Up
Is Hard to Do."
* Single Mother Barbie:
There's not much time for primping anymore! Ken's shacked up with the Swedish au pair in
the Dream House and Barbie's across town with Babs and Ken Jr. in a fourth-floor walk-up.
Barbie's selling off her old gowns and accessories to raise rent money. Complete garage
sale kit included.
* Recovery Barbie: Too
many parties have finally caught up with the ultimate party girl. Now she does 12 steps
instead of dance steps! Clean and sober, she's going to meetings religiously. Comes with
little copy of The Big Book and six-pack of Diet Coke.
* Sister Mary Barbie: This
spiritual Barbie comes with jointed knees and neck for genuflecting and praying, mini
rosary beads, a mini bible and a black sequined nun's habit (after all, she's still
Barbie). Pull the string on her back and she says nothing because she has taken a vow of
silence.
* Admin Barbie: Works
twenty hour days for little pay (80% of Admin Ken's salary), and is the lowest on the
totem pole despite being the one that actually runs the group. Comes with mini laptop.
Pull the string on her back and she'll schedule a meeting with your other dolls, replace
the toner cartridge in the laser printer, co-ordinate a re-org and a move and order
airline tickets for Admin Ken.
* Ripped-Off-In-The-Divorce-Settlement
Barbie: Pull the string on her back and she unloads a torrent of insults and
death threats for her ex's new wife. Comes with a hatred for all men, and a Malibu Barbie
tan (except for a white band on the ring finger of her left hand).
* Twelve-Step Barbie: Pull
the string on her back and she says, "Hi, I'm Barbie and I'm an alcoholic."
Comes with a "One Day at a Time" bumper sticker, a 30-day chip and a pack of
smokes.
* Birkenstock Barbie:
Finally, a Barbie doll with horizontal feet and comfortable, if ugly, sandals. Made from
recycled materials.
* Bite-The-Bullet Barbie:
An anthropologist Barbie with pith helmet, camera, detachable limbs, fake blood and the
ability to perform surgery on her-self in the Outback.
* Blue Collar Barbie:
Comes with overalls, protective goggles, lunch pail, UAW membership, pamphlet on
union-organizing and pay scales for women as compared to men. Waitressing outfits and
cashier's aprons may be purchased separately for Barbies who are holding down second jobs
in order to make ends meet.
* Homegirl Barbie: Truly a
fly Barbie in midriff-bearing shirt and baggy jeans. Comes with gold jewelry, hip-hop
accessories and plenty of attitude. Pull cord and says things like "I don't think
so," "Dang, get outta my face," and "You go, girl." Teaches girls
not to take crap from men.
* Transgender Barbie:
Formerly known as G.I. Joe.
* Robotic Barbie: Hey,
kids, experiment with an autonomous two-legged walking machine! After falling over she
says "Control theory is hard. Damn these spike heels anyway!"
* Dinner Roll Barbie: A
Barbie with multiple love handles, double chin, a real curvy belly, and voluminous thighs
to show girls that voluptuousness is also beautiful. Comes with a miniature basket of
dinner rolls, bucket o' fried chicken, tiny Entenmann's walnut ring, a brick of Dreyer's
ice cream, three bags of potato chips, a T-shirt reading "Only the Weak Don't
Eat" and, of course, an appetite.
 
|
