NO ARMS AND NO LEGS
JOKES
A man was standing on the railing of a high
bridge getting ready to jump off, when he happened to look down and see a little man with
no arms dancing all around on the river bank. He thought to himself, 'life isn't so bad
after all', and got off the railing.
He then walked down to the river bank to
thank the little man for saving his life. "Thank you," he said. "I was
going to jump off that bridge and kill myself, but when I saw you dancing even though you
have no arms, I changed my mind."
"I am not dancing," the armless
man replied bitterly. "My asshole itches, and I can't scratch it!"
Joe goes to pick up his blind date at her
house and when he gets there he finds out she has no arms and no legs. He's a good sport,
so he picks her up, puts her in his car, and takes her to a movie. When the movie's over,
he picks her up again and puts her back in the car.
She says, "Do you have any rope in the
car?"
He says, "Rope? Why yes, I have some
rope."
She says, "Do you know that big old
oak with the real low limb down the dark corner of the park?"
Joe says, "Yeah."
She says, "Why don't you take us
there?"
When they get there, she has Joe get out
the rope, undress her, and then she gives him explicit instructions how to use the rope to
suspend her from the limb. And then, they proceed to have the wildest sex that Joe has
ever had. When they're done, Joe drives her home, carries her inside, and puts her on the
living room couch.
As he's leaving, her father grabs him by
the arm and says, "Here, son," and goes to hand Joe a hundred dollars.
Joe says, "I can't take that,
sir."
Her father says, "Please, son, take
the money."
Joe says, "I can't, sir. You see ... I
had sex with your daughter."
Her father says, "Of course you did.
But at least you didn't leave her hanging from that damn tree!"
A man with no arms and no legs is out lying
on the beach one day, enjoying his chance to get some sun. All of a sudden, a beautiful
woman walks by and stops. "You poor man," she says. "I bet you've never
been kissed have you?"
The man has to admit, no, he never has, so
she bends down and plants a good one right on the mouth.
A few minutes later, another gorgeous babe
walks up. "You look like you need a hug," she says.
He agrees that would be nice, she gives him
a great one, and walks away.
A few minutes later, a drop-dead gorgeous
girl walks by. She stops, a sultry smile on her face and looks down at him.
"Mister," she says, "Have
you ever been screwed?"
"No," he says with a hopeful
grin.
"Well, you are now. The tide's coming
in."
What happened when the man with no arms
tried to masturbate?
He was stumped.
What do you call a guy with no arms and no
legs in a gully?
Rocky
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a field of marijuana?
Bud
What do you call an electrician with no
arms and no legs?
Sparky
What do you call a plumber with no arms and
no legs?
Wet
What do you call a cat with no legs?
Dogfood
What do you call a dog with no legs?
It doesn't matter. He won't come when you call him anyway.
What do you call two guys with no arms or
legs hanging over your window?
Curt n' Rod
What was the name of the limbless guy that
fell in the fire?
Bernie
What do you call a guy with no arms and no
legs burried 6 feet under?
Doug
What do you call a guy with no arms and no
legs burried 3 feet under?
Douglas
What do you call a man with no arms, no
legs and no torso?
Dick
What do you call a legless and armless boy
on a baseball team?
First base
What was the name of the limbless guy that
was boiled by cannibals?
Stu
What was the name of the limbless girl who
was stuck on a femce?
Barb
What was the name of the limbless guy that
worked at the soda plant?
Tab
What do you call a guy with no arms and no
legs that sits on top of a podium?
Mike
What do you call a man with no arms and no
legs under your car?
Jack
What do you call a guy with no arms and no
legs hanging on your wall?
Art
What do you call a guy with no arms and no
legs in front of your door?
Matt
What do you call a guy with no arms and no
legs in your mail box?
Bill
What do you call a guy with no arms and no
legs water-skiing?
Skip
What do you call a girl with no arms and no
legs rolling around on the beach?
Sandy
What do you call a guy with no arms and no
legs in a hole in the ground?
Phil
What do you call a guy with no arms and no
legs trying to hold-up a bank?
Rob
What do you call a girl with one leg
shorter than the other?
Eileen
What do you call a woman with one leg
shorter than the other, married to a politician?
Tipper
What do you call a girl with no arms and no
legs on a dirt road?
Dusty
What do you call a guy with no arms and no
legs who left a smudge on your floor?
Mark
What do you call a fly with no wings?
A walk
What do you call a guy with no arms and no
legs that just fell out of a boat?
Bob
What do you call a man with no arms and no
legs flying over a fence?
Homer
What do you call a man with no arms and no
legs sitting on a grill?
Frank
What do you call a woman with no arms and
no legs sitting on a grill?
Patty
What do you call a man with no arms and no
legs sitting in a pile of leaves?
Russell
Three guys enter a disabled swimming
contest. The first has no arms. The second no legs and the third has no body, just a head.
They all line up, the whistle blows and "splash" they're all in the pool.
The guy with no arms takes the lead
instantly but the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head of course sank straight to
the bottom. Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. He can still see
bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool, so he decides he had better dive down to
rescue him.
He picks up the head, swims back up to the
surface and places the head at the side of the pool, whereupon the head starts coughing
and spluttering.
Eventually the head catches his breath and
shouts: "Three years I've spent learning to swim with my damn ears, then two minutes
before the whistle, some asshole puts a swimming cap on me!"
 
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