PARKING
LOT RULES
Rule #1 - When waiting for a parking spot,
stop in the middle of the road, don't signal, and orient your car diagonally to prevent
others from passing.
Rule #2 - Always park on the lines, taking
up as many spots as possible. Diagonal parking is preferred.
Rule #3 - In a crowded parking lot, if you
find a spot and have the opportunity to pull through to an adjacent one, drive up half way
and stop on the line, taking both.
Rule #4 - As you pull into a spot, if you
see that the space ahead of you is empty and you see another driver signaling to take it,
pull though and take it from him.
Rule #5 - Always park close enough to the
adjacent car so that the other driver must grease up with Vaseline to squeeze into his/her
car.
Rule #6 - When getting out of your car, hit
the adjacent vehicle with your door really hard.
Rule #7 - When driving through the parking
lot, ignore the painted lanes and drive diagonally from one end to another at a high rate
of speed.
Rule #8 - When stopped in front of a store
and waiting for a friend/relative to make a purchase, make sure that you are stopped in
the middle of the road. The same rules applies to picking-up and discharging passengers.
Rule #9 - When a vehicle from the opposite
direction is signaling and waiting for a parking space, position your car so that you are
in his way and let the car behind you take it.
Rule #10 - If you have Handicap license
plates, use up a regular parking spot.
Rule #11 - If you hit the adjacent car with
your door and leave a dent, wait for a car, which is painted the same color as yours, to
drive down the aisle looking for a place to park. Then back out, giving up your spot like
"Mr. Good Guy" and park somewhere else.
Rule #12 - If the vehicle in front of you
stops to let a pedestrian cross or another vehicle turn, pull into the lane of opposite
traffic and attempt to pass him.
Rule #13 - deleted...for those who are
superstitious
Rule #14 - When exiting a shopping center
into a busy road, exit through the narrow "ENTER ONLY" driveway, stick the nose
of the car into traffic, and wait.
Rule #15 - When driving through a parking
lot with alternating one-way aisles and angled parking spots, drive the wrong way. Then
when you see a parking space, take 20 minutes to do a 12-point turn to pull into it.
Rule #16 - Always leave your shopping cart
behind or tightly between parked vehicles.
Rule #17 - Empty your ashtrays on the
ground in shopping center parking lots. While your at it, dump out all the garbage too
including that Wendy's or McDonald's bag sitting in the back seat from breakfast.
Rule #18 - If you are forced to change an
infant's diaper in a parking lot, leave the soiled diaper under the car next to you.
Rule #19 - When another vehicle is waiting
for you to pull out of a spot in a crowded parking lot, take your time. Adjust the
mirrors, your seat, and the radio. Roll down your window, light a cigarette, and eat your
lunch. Feel free to go through your shopping bags and look at what you just bought.
Rule #20 - When pulling into a parking
spot, if there is a shopping cart in the way, lightly tap it with your bumper and send it
rolling into an adjacent car. Then, when you step out, if the cart is still too close,
push it down the parking lot aisle and let it go. While the cart is flying solo, turn
around and walk toward the stores.
Rule #21 - When walking back to your car in
a busy shopping center, gesture to other drivers waiting for a spot to make them think
that you are getting in the car and leaving. Then walk between the cars to the next aisle
and do it again.
Rule #22 - When holiday shopping at the
mall, which requires you to load your bags into the car and go back in to do more
shopping, do NOT tell the driver who is sitting patiently watching you load your car and
signaling for your spot.
Rule #23 - When walking back to your car,
if you notice other shoppers walking past your car to get to theirs, press the buttons on
your keychain remote so that your car's alarm makes a sudden loud "BLOOP BLEEP"
that scares the crap out of them.
Rule #24 - If you don't see a speed limit
sign posted in the malls parking lot, there isn't any!
Rule #25 - If you back into a parked car,
and the driver isn't with it, take out a piece of paper & start writing. This is
especially effective if there are 15-20 witnesses. On a piece of paper write, "There
were ___ witnesses when I hit your car. They think I'm writing my name address, phone #,
insurance information, etc., on this paper. But I'm not!"
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