PONDERINGS
* If aliens are smart enough to travel
through space, why do they keep abducting the dumbest people on Earth?
* Why do tourists go to the tops of tall
buildings and then put money into telescopes so they can see things on the ground
close-up?
* If Superman is so smart, then why does he
wear his underpants on the outside of his trousers?
* Why do some schools view suspending a
student from school, as an adequate punishment for skipping school?
* Aren't senior citizen discounts just
reverse age discrimination?
* To all the corporations putting us on
hold when we call customer service: If your product is so successful that you can't handle
the call volume, then why can't you afford to hire more customer reps?
* If blind people wear sunglasses, why
don't deaf people wear earmuffs?
* Could someone ever get addicted to
counseling? If so, how could you treat them?
* If there was a bisexual pride parade,
would it go both ways?
* Why do you have a hot water heater?
Shouldn't it be a cold water heater?
* How can a NASCAR pit crew change 4 tires,
fill the gas tank, and give the driver a drink in 17 seconds and it takes the local oil
change shop 45 minutes to change the oil?
* Do you think that when they asked George
Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
* If all is not lost, where is it?
* How is it one careless match can start a
forest fire, but you can't start a camp fire with a whole BOOK of matches?
* Why do you get hangnails on your fingers
but never on your toes?
* How did people describe a tornado before
freight trains were invented?
* Where could a man buy a cap for his knee
or a key to lock of his hair?
* Could your eyes be called an academy
because there are pupils there?
* In the crown of your head, what jewels
are found? And who travels the bridge of your nose?
* Could you use the nails on the end of
your toes to shingle the roof of your mouth?
* If the crook of your elbow be sent to
jail, just what did he do?
* How can you sharpen your shoulder blades?
* Could you sit in the shade of the palm of
your hand or beat on the drum of your ear?
* Can the calves on your legs eat the corn
on your toes? If so, why grow corn on the ear?
* When an agnostic dies, does he go to the
"great perhaps?"
* Why is the time of day with the slowest
traffic called rush hour?
* Do you think Houdini ever locked his keys
in his car?
* Can atheists get insurance for acts of
God?
* If procrastinators had a club would they
ever have a meeting?
* Have you ever wondered why just one
letter makes all the difference between here and there?
* If money is the root of all evil, why do
churches want it so badly?
* Why is an orange the only fruit named
after it's color or was the color named after the fruit?
* If matter and anti-matter come in contact
with each other and there is a huge explosion, what are they going to store anti-matter
in?
* If it's true that we are here to help
others, then what exactly are the OTHERS here for?
* So what's the speed of dark?
* If all those physics know all the lottery
numbers, why are they still working?
* If you jogged backward, would you gain
weight?
* What do you call a pocket calculator in a
nudist camp?
* If you put instant coffee in a microwave,
would you go back in time?
* How come if you blow in a dog's face he
gets mad at you, but if you take him in the car, he sticks his head out the window?
* Is "RAM disk" an installation
procedure?
* Why use a big word, when a diminutive one
will suffice?
* Isn't depression just unenthusiastic
anger?
* If Barbie is so popular, why do you have
to buy her friends?
* Isn't dancing just a perpendicular
expression of a horizontal desire?
* What happens if you get scared half to
death twice?
* How come stealing ideas from one person
is plagiarism; but stealing from many is research?
* Why do bills travel through the mail at
twice the speed of checks?
* Why do people who know the least know it
the loudest?
* Can a blind person feel blue?
* Since women have PMS, isn't it only fair
that men should have ESPN?
* What's the point in being pessimistic? It
probably won't work, anyway.
* What if there were no hypothetical
situations?
* How does the guy who drives the snowplow
get to work in the mornings?
* How can the weather be hot as hell one
day and cold as hell another?
* How is it that a house can burn up as it
burns down?
* Why do we say an alarm clock goes off
when it really goes on?
* Do they have reserved parking for regular
people at the Special Olympics?
* If white wine goes with fish, do white
grapes go with sushi?
* If you have a bunch of odds and ends and
get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
* Did you ever wonder where people in hell
tell people to go?
* Are you telling the truth when you lie in
bed?
* If your vacuum cleaner really sucks, is
that good?
* Why do hot dogs come ten in a package and
the buns only eight?
*Why is the third hand on the watch called
the second hand?
* Is a computer virus covered by Medicare?
* How do you know when a Smurf suffocates?
* If the shortest distance between two
points is a line, why does waiting in one take so long?
* Are part-time band leaders
semi-conductors?
* Can a stupid person be a smart-ass?
* Can you get cavities in your dentures if
you use too much artificial sweetener?
* If you are floating in space and you do
half a somersault, are you upside down?
* Despite the high cost of living, have you
noticed how it remains so popular?
* Why do they call them STANDARD options
when you have to pay extra for them?
* Do wet hens really get mad?
* If a word is misspelled in a dictionary,
how would we ever know?
* If two mouses are mice and two louses are
lice, why aren't two houses hice?
* If Webster wrote the first dictionary,
where did he find the words?
* In Chinese, why are the words for crisis
and opportunity the same?
* Where do swear words come from?
* Why can't you make another word using all
the letters in "anagram"?
* Why do people use the word
"irregardless"?
* Why do we say something is out of whack?
What is a whack?
* Why do we say something's out of order
when its broken but we never say in of order when it works?
* Why does "slow down" and
"slow up" mean the same thing?
* Why does X stand for a kiss and O stand
for a hug?
* Why is it that we recite at a play and
play at a recital?
* Why is it that writers write but fingers
don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
* Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it
because of that song?
* Why is the plural of goose-geese, and not
the plural of moose-meese?
* How does skating on thin ice get you into
hot water?
* Why do they have signs at Burger King
that say, "Picture menus available for those who need them"? If you can't read,
how can you ask for a picture menu?
* If a case of the clap spreads is it
called applause?
* Why do fat chance and slim chance mean
the same thing?
* Why does "cleave" mean both
split apart and stick together?
* Why does flammable and inflammable mean
the same thing?
* Why do 'tug' boats push their barges?
* Why do we sing 'Take me out to the ball
game', when we are already there?
* Why are they called 'stands' when they're
made for sitting?
* Why is it called 'after dark', when it is
really after light?
* Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the
unexpected become the expected?
* You can't have everything ... where would
you put it?
* When someone asks you, "A penny for
your thoughts," and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
* Why is the man who invests all your money
called a broker?
* Why do croutons come in airtight
packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.
* When cheese gets it's picture taken, what
does it say?
* Why is a person who plays the piano
called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
* Why are a wise man and a wise guy
opposites?
* Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite
things?
* If horrific means to make horrible, does
terrific mean to make terrible?
* Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?
* If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen
defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted,
cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?
* If people from Poland are called
"Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes?"
* Why is phonics not spelled the way it
sounds?
* If work is so terrific, how come they
have to pay you to do it?
* If you're born again, do you have two
bellybuttons?
* If FedEx and UPS were to merge, would
they call it FedUp?
* If mothers feed their babies with little
tiny spoons and forks, what do Chinese mothers use. Toothpicks?
* If two voyeurs work together, are they
"peers"?
* Should crematoriums give discounts for
burn victims?
* Is it possible to have a civil war?
* If all the world is a stage, where is the
audience sitting?
* If God dropped acid, would he see people?
* If love is blind, why is lingerie so
popular?
* If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why
is it still #2?
* If work is so terrific, how come they
have to pay you to do it?
* If you're born again, do you have two
bellybuttons?
* If you try to fail, and succeed, which
have you done?
* Is a castrated pig disgruntled?
* If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you
still be hungry?
* Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee
breaks?
* What hair color do they put on the
driver's licenses of bald men?
* Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
* Why, in a country of free speech, are
there phone bills?
* When your pet bird sees you reading the
newspaper, does he wonder why you're sitting there, staring at carpeting?
* If someone has a mid-life crises while
playing hide and seek, does he automatically lose because he can't find himself?
* Instead of talking to your plants, if you
yelled at them, would they still grow, but only to be troubled and insecure?
* Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
* Is it possible to be totally partial?
* If a book about failures doesn't sell, is
it a success?
* If a funeral procession is at night, do
folks drive with their lights off?
* When companies ship Styrofoam, what do
they pack it in?
* If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia,
can you read all right?
* Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard
shift?
* What do you do when you see an endangered
animal that eats only endangered plants?
* Why is it that we recite at a play and
play at a recital?
* Why don't tomb, comb, and bomb sound
alike?
* If the singular of GEESE is GOOSE,
shouldn't a Portuguese person be called a Portugoose?
* Why is bra singular and panties plural?
* When you open a bag of cotton balls, is
the top one meant to be thrown away?
* Why do they report power outages on TV?
* If a man overdoses on Viagra, how do they
get the casket lid shut?
* If the insurance companies are going to
set guidelines before approving Viagra coverage, what are they going to use? A growth
chart?
* If a light-sleeper sleeps with a light
on, what does a hard-sleeper sleep with?
* Why are hemorrhoids called
"hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?
* If swimming is so good for your figure,
how do you explain whales?
* Why is it that when you're driving and
looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
* You know that little indestructible black
box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
* If you're in a vehicle going the speed of
light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
* Do you need a silencer if you are going
to shoot a mime?
* Why are there flotation devices under
plane seats instead of parachutes?
* Why do banks charge you a
"non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?
* Why do you press harder on a remote
control when you know the battery is dead?
* Since light travels faster than sound,
isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
* If it's zero degrees outside today and
it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
* Isn't Disney World a people trap operated
by a mouse?
* Why are they called buildings, when
they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?
* Why is the alphabet in that order?
* If the universe is everything, and
scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
* If you got into a taxi and the driver
started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?
* Why is a carrot more orange than an
orange?
* Why are there 5 syllables in the word
"monosyllabic"?
* Why do scientists call it research when
looking for something new?
* If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do
humanitarians eat?
* When I erase a word with a pencil, where
does it go?
* Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar,
but when a jar is open, it's not a door?
* Why do we put suits in a garment bag and
put garments in a suitcase?
* Why are they called apartments, when
they're all stuck together?
* Why does sour cream have an
expiration date?
* Who is General failure and why is he
reading my disk?
* The light went out, but where to?
* Does the reverse side also have a reverse
side?
* What would a chair look like if your
knees bent the other way?
* If a tree falls in the forest and no one
is around to see it do the other trees make fun of it?
* When two airplanes almost collide why do
they call it a near miss?? It sounds like a near hit to me!!
* Do fish get cramps after eating?
* How come abbreviated is such a long word?
* Why do they call it the Department of
Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
* Tell a man that there are 400 billion
stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
* How come Superman could stop bullets with
his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
* Do infants have as much fun in their
infancy as adults do in adultery?
* If "con" is the opposite of
"pro," then what is the opposite of progress?
* Why is lemon juice mostly artificial
ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
* How much deeper would the ocean be if
sponges didn't grow in it?
* Why buy a product that it takes 2000
flushes to get rid of?
* Why do we wait until a pig is dead to
"cure" it?
* Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we
clean when we use them?
* Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of
the bottle?
* Whose cruel idea was it for the word
"lisp" to have an "s" in it?
* What do little birdies see when they get
knocked unconscious?
* Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
* If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why
do we still have monkeys and apes?
* Should you trust a stockbroker who's
married to a travel agent?
* Is boneless chicken considered to be an
invertebrate?
* Do married people live longer than single
people or does it just SEEM longer?
* I went to a bookstore and asked the
saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would
defeat the purpose.
* If all those psychics know the winning
lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
* Sooner or later, doesn't EVERYONE stop
smoking?
* Isn't the best way to save face to keep
the lower part shut?
* War doesn't determine who's right, just
who's left.
* If a man is standing in the middle of the
forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
* If a deaf person swears, does his mother
wash his hands with soap?
* If someone with multiple personalities
threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
* Is there another word for synonym?
* Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors
call what they do "practice?"
* When sign makers go on strike, is
anything written on their signs?
* Where do forest rangers go to "get
away from it all?"
* Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
* If a parsley farmer is sued, can they
garnish his wages?
* Would a fly without wings be called a
walk?
* Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?
Are they afraid someone will clean them?
* If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he
homeless or naked?
* Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
* Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
* If the police arrest a mime, do they tell
him he has the right to remain silent?
* Why do they put Braille on the
drive-through bank machines?
* How do they get the deer to cross at that
yellow road sign?
* Why do they sterilize the needles for
lethal injections?
* Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
* Why do they call it a TV set when you
only get one?
* If a cow laughs, does milk come out of
its nose?
* Why do you need a driver's license to buy
liquor when you can't drink and drive?
* Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations
when smoking is prohibited there?
* How does the guy who drives the snowplow
get to work in the mornings?
* If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days
a year, why are there locks on the doors
* Why do we drive on parkways and park on
driveways?
* Why is it that when you transport
something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's
called cargo?
* Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
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