WAYS TO REPEL PEOPLE
A list of phrases to use when you want to
be left alone on long flights, at parties, bus rides, at the polo grounds, etc...
* Yeah, I really miss my wife (husband)...
but at least I have her skin to remember her by.
* Have you ever tried cat meat?
* I just got out of prison. I'll bet the
kids at the playground really miss me.
* Check out this infected canker sore in my
mouth!
* I don't know why I ate it - liver and
onions always gives me gas.
* I just had a proctological exam - wow,
worth every penny!
* The last time my head rang like this I
woke up with a dead man next to me!
* (man to woman) Hey, could I borrow a
tampon?
* I puked on the last person who flew next
to me.
* My butt reeeally itches!
* Would you look at the size of the hair I
just yanked out of my nose!
* My psychiatrist says that flying helps
offset my desire to mutilate small, defenseless, woodland creatures.
* The last guy who ignored me is still on a
respirator.
* Would you hold this messy Kleenex for me?
* I stepped in dog shit AGAIN?!
* I haven't changed my underwear in over
two weeks! How about you?
* My mother just told me we can't sleep
together anymore.
* Can you believe they only gave me three
years for killing my own sister?!
* Hey, does your urine ever turn blue?
* This cramped fuselage reminds me of
solitary.
* Oh damn, my diaper's wet again!
* If I go unconscious just stick your
finger down my throat - that'll wake me up.
* Boy, that business at Waco was a mess - I
got outa there just in time!
* Ya know, since I moved to West Hollywood
my gerbil business has really taken off.
* I've just been treated for tapeworms.
* Did I tell you Charles Manson's my uncle?
* I collect aluminum foil.
* Ya know, these days a man can't hang out
with a seven year old boy without being ridiculed by his peers!
* I work in a landfill.
* I remember, not too long ago, when a man
could work hard clubbing baby seals all day long and then go home and have a tall, cold
one with a clear conscience.
 
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