RULES
OF THE ROAD
(Stuff they didn't teach you in Drivers Ed)
* If, at any time, you have witnessed a
green light, it is okay to proceed through the intersection, regardless of the current
state of the light.
* The shoulder becomes a lane if you are
driving a Porsche.
* If you paid more than $60,000 for your
car, you automatically have the right of way, regardless of the situation. This is
especially applicable in parking lots.
* Drive as quickly as possible through
parking structures. Pass any open spot by at least four car lengths before backing up to
claim it. Disregard the angry mob that has formed behind you.
* While driving on the freeway and talking
on your cell phone, alternate between 45 and 100 MPH. This is especially effective if
driving in the fast lane.
* Every lane is the suicide lane.
* Always set the alarm to its most
sensitive setting before leaving your parked car.
* If you miss your exit, no worries. Just
cut across six lanes of traffic and drive over the divider. If you really weren't supposed
to cross it, they would make it out of concrete instead of painted lines.
* For parking purposes, all SUV's are
compact cars. Honest!
* To calculate the proper speed limit on
the freeway, subtract your age from 100. Double this number if your car has dual exhaust.
Conversely, add your age to 100 if you are suffering from (or past) your midlife crisis.
* If you hear sirens, DO NOT pull over.
Slow down exactly where you are and start looking for carnage.
* If a cop attempts to pull you over, give
chase. You won't get away, but it's guaranteed you'll make live TV. Toward the end of the
chase, be sure to throw random items out of your window. It will give the reporters
something to talk about on the late news.
* Never use your turn signal, unless of
course you are on the freeway with no intention of merging.
* If there are already three cars stopped
at a four way stop, accelerate immediately. Otherwise, one of those cars might go ahead of
you!
* Take full advantage of your right to
U-turn. Laugh aloud at people from other states who turn around in driveways.
* In case of rain, pull over immediately!
You cannot drive in any sort of precipitation.
* While driving uphill, do not downshift.
While driving downhill, ride your brakes.
* On narrow canyon roads, feel free to use
the center divider as a passing lane.
 
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