ASSORTED SHORT JOKES
"That smoker's toothpaste you bought
me isn't any good!" the husband complained.
"C'mon, dear, just give it a try.
It'll get those nicotine stains off of your teeth in no time," his wife replied.
"I don't know how you can say that! I
can't even light the damn stuff!" he shouted.
I was commuting from Brooklyn to my job in
Manhattan. I'd finished reading the morning paper and was saving it to bring to my friends
at work. How do you save a newspaper on the subway? You sit on it.
A new commuter came in, saw the newspaper
under my rear and asked, "Are you reading that paper?"
I stood up, turned the page, sat down on
the paper and answered, "Yes."
A Kiwi was hoping to immigrate to
Australia. Upon arriving in Australia, he was questioned by a customs officer, "What
is your business in Australia?"
"I wish to immigrate," was the
Kiwi's reply.
The customs officer then asked, "Do
you have a conviction record?"
Confused, the Kiwi then replied, "I
didn't think you still needed one."
They think they can make fuel from horse
manure ... Now I don't know if your car will be able to get thirty miles to the gallon,
but it's sure gonna put a stop to siphoning.
What would you call it when an Italian has
one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.
Do you know how you can spot Ronald
McDonald on the beach?
He is the only one with sesame seed buns.
What do you call a Nazi tampon?
A twatztika.
What's the difference between Marv Albert
and Sharon Stone?
Sharon Stone doesn't wear panties.
What do you call a musician without a
girlfriend?
Homeless.
Have you heard of the new Ken Doll. It's
called the "Child Support Ken"?
It can't be found.
What do you call a funeral where you smell
your own flowers?
A wedding.
What kind of coffee was served on the
Titanic?
Sanka.
How do you get five hundred cows in a barn?
Put up a "Bingo" sign.
What does a bulimic have for dessert?
Two fingers.
How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.
"Waiter! This coffee tastes like
mud."
"Yes sir," came the reply, "it's fresh ground."
How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?
He looks through a catalog in the plastic surgeon's office.
How can you recognize a burned-out hippie?
He used to take acid, now he takes antacid.
Did you hear about the all midget porno
flick?
It's the first to feature full runtal nudity.
Did you hear they found another dead
Heavens Gate member?
He was under the sink behind the Comet!
What has three teeth and sixty feet?
The front row at a Willy Nelson concert.
What is the new O.J. web site address?
slash.slash.backslash.escape
What's the difference between a bagpipe and
an onion?
No one cries when you chop up a bagpipe.
What's the difference between a bagpipe and
a trampoline?
You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.
How can you tell a bagpiper with perfect
pitch?
He can throw a set into the middle of a pond and not hit any of the ducks.
How is playing a bagpipe like throwing a
javelin blindfolded?
You don't have to be very good to get people's attention.
What's the difference between a lawn mower
and a bagpipe?
You can tune the lawn mower.
What's the range of a bagpipe?
Twenty yards if you have a good arm.
Why are bagpipers fingers like lightning?
They rarely strike the same spot twice.
How can you tell if a bagpipe is out of
tune?
Someone is blowing into it.
Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
To get away from the sound.
What's the definition of
"optimism?"
A bagpiper with a beeper.
What is the difference between Michael
Jackson and a grocery bag?
One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with....the other is used to
carry groceries.
What is the difference between a peeping
tom and a robber?
A robber snatches watches.
Have you heard about the new sub sandwich
being sold at a national food chain?
It's called the O.J. It's full of bologna, tough to swallow and the stupid people are
still buying it!
What's six inches long, two inches wide,
and drives women wild?
Money.
What does Dr. Spock and Michael Jackson
have in common?
They both know how to rear a child.
A building contractor was being paid by the
week for a job that was likely to stretch over several months. He approached the owner of
the property and held up the check he'd been given. "This is two hundred dollars less
than we agreed on," he said.
"I know," the owner said,
"But last week I overpaid you two hundred dollars, and you never complained."
The contractor said, "Well, I don't
mind an occasional mistake. But when it gets to be a habit, I feel I have to call it to
your attention."
Adolph Hitler was having terrible
nightmares, and so he decided to go to a fortune teller hoping that the woman could find
the source of his problem.
"I am sorry but I am unable to help
you solve your dreams," said the fortune teller, "but I do know that you will
die on a Jewish holiday."
"And which holiday will this be?"
he asked.
"It does not matter," she
replied. "Any day that you die will be a Jewish holiday."
Two men are approaching each other on a
sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as the walk. As they meet, one man looks at
the other knowingly, points at his foot and says, "Vietnam, 1969."
The other hooks his thumb behind him says,
"Dog shit, 20 feet back."
One day there were three people. Their
names were Manners, Trouble and Shut up. One day they were playing hide and seek. Manners
got a tummy ache so he went to the toilet. Trouble was hiding. Shut up was finding Trouble
when he met a policeman.
The policeman said, "What is your
name?"
"Shut up!"
The policeman replied, "Are you
looking for trouble?"
"Yes!"
The policeman fumed, "Where are your
manners?"
"In the toilet."
Fu, Bu and Chu immigrated to the USA from
China. They decided to become American citizens, and "Americanize" their names.
Bu, called himself "Buck"
Chu called himself "Chuck"
Fu decided to return to China.
This just in from the CNN News Room:
Poland's Worst Air Disaster occurred today
when a small two-seater Cessna 152 plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in
central Poland.
Polish search and rescue workers have
recovered 300 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the
evening.
A journalist had done a story on gender
roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War, and she noted then that women
customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands. She returned to Kuwait recently
and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives.
She approached one of the women for an
explanation. "This is marvelous," said the journalist. "What enabled women
here to achieve this reversal of roles?"
Replied the Kuwaiti woman: "Land
mines."
Recently, our town received a grant to
build housing for midgets. According to our demographics, they figured that we should have
six midgets living here. They sent enough money so that we could finance the building of
homes and let the "little people" pay less than the going rate for rent.
Since we have only one "little
person" living here it turns out that he won't have to pay anything for the only
house we built, the subsidy covers everything. We call it a Stay Free Mini Pad.
When we were looking to buy property I had
this over zealous Realtor show us what can only be described as a totally worn-out old
farm. I mean the land had just been worked to death. The weeds were hardly even growing.
The smiling super salesman said, "Now
really, all this land needs is a little water, a nice cool breeze and some good
people."
I replied, "Yeah, I agree, but
couldn't the same be said of Hell?"
At a holiday banquet, a handsome young
gentleman sits next to a very attractive but quite provocatively dressed young woman. In a
moment of self-consciousness, she asks if he thinks that her dress is cut too deeply.
Being a gentleman, he ponders how to confirm that without insulting the busty lady. He
leans over and says, "Do you have hair on your chest?"
"No," she answers in surprise.
He thinks again and says, "Well, in
that case it IS too deeply cut."
A group of young men were sitting around
the coffee shop complaining about how hard it was to get by in this day and age.
Bob, an old timer, was listening to them
and finally spoke. "You kids don't know what hard times are. Why, when I was your age
we were so poor we couldn't afford electricity. Why, we even had to watch television by
candle light."
Hal says to Robert, "Would you believe
I just burned a thousand-dollar bill?"
"Jeez," says Robert, "I envy
your success."
"What success? It was easier to burn
it than to pay it."
"My husband's always playing
around," Liz complained to Debbie as they pedaled their exercise bicycles one
morning. "It's made me so anxious I can't even eat."
"Then why don't you leave him?"
Debbie asked.
"Oh, I will," replied Liz,
"just as soon as I hit 105."
So O.J.'s in court the other day, and he's
getting kind of cold. He can't take it anymore, so he stands up and says to Judge Ito,
"Judge, it's freezing in here - how about turning up the air condition?"
Ito replies, "Mr. Simpson, this is my
courtroom and I'll keep it any temperature I like."
So O.J. says, "Well, okay, but can I
have my hat and gloves back?"
One afternoon, a man was riding in the back
of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver
to stop and he got out to investigate. "Why are you eating grass?" he asked one
man.
"We don't have any money for
food," the poor man replied.
"Oh, come along with me then."
"But sir, I have a wife with two
children!"
"Bring them along! And you, come with
too!" he said to the other man.
"But sir, I have a wife with six
children!" the second man answered.
"Bring them as well!"
They all climbed into the car, which was no
easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows
says, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The rich man replied "No, you don't
understand, the grass at my home is about six inches high!"
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