SHOTGUN
RULES
Ever have the problem of catching a ride
with someone whose car doesn't have much of a back seat? At times like these, it is
important to know the rules of calling shotgun. Never again will you let someone take
advantage of you because you don't know the rules.
Section I General
Rules
1.) The first person to yell
"SHOTGUN" gets to ride in the front seat.
2.) The remaining back seats may be divvied
up in the same manner by being the first to call "back right seat", etc..
3.) The word "shotgun" must be
loud enough to be heard by at least one witness. If no witness is to be found, or in case
of a tie, the driver has the final word. After all, it is most likely his car. (note: if
it isn't his car, and the owner is present, the owner's decision is final. Owner must be
sober, however, or he will defer his judgment to the driver.)
4.) Everyone must be outside of the
building (including the driver) before shotgun may be called. Under no circumstances may a
person call shotgun inside a building. For sake of simplicity, the garage is considered to
be outside.
5.) A person may only call shotgun for one
way of a trip. There is to be no calling front seat for both ways at the same time.
6.) Being as how everyone is created equal,
men have the same right as women to the front seat of the car. I.e. women don't own the
front seat.
7.) One is allowed to ride shotgun as many
times as he can call it, but for himself only. No one can call shotgun for their slower
friend, unless the friend has a speech or mental handicap that prevents them from calling
it for themselves.
Section II Special
Cases
1.) These special exceptions to the rules
above should be considered in the order presented; the case listed first will take
precedence over any of the cases beneath it, when applicable.
2.) In the instance that the normal driver
of a vehicle is drunk or otherwise unable to perform their duties as driver, then he/she
is automatically given Shotgun.
3.) If the instance that the person who
actually owns the vehicle is not driving, then he/she is automatically given Shotgun,
unless they decline.
4.) In the instance the driver's spouse,
lover, partner, or hired prostitute for the evening is going to accompany the group,
he/she is automatically given Shotgun, unless they decline.
5.) In the instance that one of the
passengers may become so ill during the course of the journey that the other occupants
feel he/she will toss their cookies, then the ill person should be given Shotgun to make
appropriate use of the window.
6.) In the instance that only one person
knows how to get to a given location and this person is not the driver, then as the
designated navigator for the group they automatically get Shotgun, unless they decline.
7.) In the instance that one of the
occupants is too wide or tall to fit comfortably in the back seat, then the driver may
show mercy and award Shotgun to the genetic misfit. Alternatively, the driver and other
passengers may continually taunt the poor fellow as they make a three hour trip with him
crammed in the back.
Section III The
Survival Of The Fittest Rules
If the driver so wishes, he/she may
institute the Survival Of The Fittest Rules on the process of calling Shotgun. In this
case all rules, excepting 1.4, are suspended and the passenger seat is occupied by whoever
can take it by force.
The driver must announce the institution of
the Survival Of The Fittest Rules with reasonable warning to all passengers. This clause
reduces the amount of blood lost by passengers and the damage done to the vehicle.
Please follow the above rules to the best
of your ability. If there are any arguments or exceptions not covered in these rules,
please refer to rule 1.4.
 
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