HOW
TO HANDLE TELEMARKETERS
1. If they want to loan you money,
tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.
2. If they start out with, "How
are you today?" say, "Why do you want to know?" Alternately, you can tell
them, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all
these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my car won't
start..." When they try to get to the sell, just keep talking about your problems.
3. If they say they're John Doe from
XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then
ask them where it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about
their company for as long as necessary.
4. This works great if you are male:
Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company..." You: (Wait for a
second) With a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"
5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy!
Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a
few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.
6. Say "No" over and over.
Be sure to vary the sound of each one and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying
to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.
7. If MCI calls trying to get you to
sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I
don't have any friends...would YOU be my friend?"
8. If the company cleans rugs,
respond: "Can you get blood out? Can you get out GOAT blood? How about HUMAN
blood?"
9. Ask him/her to marry you. When
they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to
a complete stranger.
10. Tell the telemarketer that you
work for the same company, they often can't sell to their fellow employees.
11. Answer the phone. As soon as you
realize it is a telemarketer, set the receiver down, shout or scream "Oh my
God!!!" and then hang-up.
12. Tell the telemarketer you are
busy at the moment and ask them if they will give you their HOME phone number, you will
call them back. When the telemarketer explains that they cannot give out their HOME
number, you say "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?"
The telemarketer will agree and you say, "Now you know how I feel!" Hang up.
13. Ask them to repeat everything
they say, several times.
14. Tell them it is dinner time, BUT
ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at
your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.
15. Tell the telemarketer you are on
"home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you some beer.
16. Tell the telemarketer, "Okay, I
will listen to you. But I should probably tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes."
17. Insist that the caller is really
your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's
your momma?"
18. Tell them you are hard of hearing
and that they need to speak up... louder...louder...louder...
19. Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY,
because you want to write DOWN EVERY WORD.
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