YO MOMMA JOKES
*Yo mamma's so stupid, she stuck a cell
phone up her butt and said she had a bootie call.
*Yo momma so dumb, she installed a peep
hole in her screen door.
*Yo momma's so fat, her belly button's got
an echo.
*Yo momma's so ugly, she turned 3 cannibals
into vegetarians.
*Yo momma's so stupid, she spent 20 minutes
looking at an orange juice box because it said concentrate!
*Yo momma's so fat, the National Weather
Agency has to assign names to her farts!!!
*Yo Momma's so fat, she's got more Chins
than a Hong Kong phone book!
*Yo momma's so fat, I had to take a train
and two buses just to get on the bitch's good side!
*Yo momma's so fat, she uses a mattress for
a tampon!
*Yo momma's so fat, she sat on a quarter
and a booger shot out of George Washington's nose!
*Yo momma's so fat, that when she hauls
ass, she has to make two trips!
*Yo momma's so fat, the horse on her Polo
shirt is real!
*Yo momma's so nice, she'll give you the
hair off her back!
*Yo momma's so fat, when you slap her thigh
you can ride the wave!
*You momma's so stupid, she asked what
letter came after X and I said "Y" and she said, "Because I want to
know."
*Yo momma's so fat, she puts on her
lipstick with a paint-roller!
*Yo momma's so stupid, she got stabbed in a
shoot-out.
*Yo momma's so stupid, she told me to meet
her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK".
*Yo momma's so stupid, she thought TuPac
Shakur was a Jewish holiday.
*Yo momma's so stupid, she tried to put
M&M's in alphabetical order.
*Yo momma's so stupid, she sent me a fax
with a stamp on it.
*Yo momma's so stupid, she tried to drown a
fish.
*Yo momma's so stupid, she got locked in a
grocery store and starved to death.
*Yo momma's so stupid, if you gave her a
penny for intelligence, you'd get change back.
*Yo momma's so stupid, they had to burn the
school down to get her out of third grade.
*Yo momma's so stupid, under
"education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics".
*Yo momma's so stupid, she tripped over a
cordless phone.
*Yo momma's so stupid, at the bottom of the
application where it says "sign here".. she put "Sagittarius".
*Yo momma's so stupid, if she spoke her
mind, she'd probably be speechless.
*Yo momma's so stupid, she went for a blood
TEST...and failed.
*Yo momma's so stupid, she thought Boyz II
Men was a daycare center.
*Yo momma's so stupid, she thought Meow Mix
was a record for cats.
*Yo momma's so stupid, when she heard that
90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
*Yo momma's so stupid, when she missed the
44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.
*Yo momma's so stupid, when she took you to
the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and went
home.
*Yo momma's so fat, when she dances she
makes the band skip.
*Yo momma's so fat, when she was diagnosed
with the flesh eating disease the doctor gave her 13 years to live.
*Yo momma's so fat, she puts mayonnaise on
aspirin.
*Yo momma's so fat, her ass has its own
congressman.
*Yo momma's so fat, her cereal bowl came
with a lifeguard.
*Yo momma's so fat, the back of her neck
looks like a pack of hot dogs.
*Yo momma's so fat, when she ran away, they
had to use all four sides of the milk carton.
*Yo momma's so fat, when she gets in an
elevator, it HAS to go down.
*Yo momma's so fat, she was born with a
silver shovel in her mouth.
*Yo momma's so fat, when she turns around,
people throw her a welcome back party.
*Yo momma's so fat, she can't even jump to
a conclusion.
*Yo momma's so fat, her belly button
doesn't have lint, it has sweaters.
*Yo momma's so ugly, the psychiatrist makes
her lay face-down on the couch!
*Yo momma's so fat, every time she walks in
high heels, she strikes oil!
*Yo momma's so fat, she fell in love and
broke it!
*Yo momma's so fat, she's on both sides of
the family!
*Yo momma's so fat, she fell and made the
Grand Canyon!
*Yo momma's teeth are so yellow, traffic
slows down when she smiles!
*Yo momma's so fat, when she got hit by a
bus, she said, "Who threw that rock?"
*Yo momma's so stupid, she thought a
quarterback was an income tax refund!
*Yo momma's so fat, she's got her own area
code!
*Yo momma's so fat, when she has sex, she
has to give directions!
*Yo momma's so fat, when the bitch goes to
an all you can eat buffet, they have to install speed bumps!
*Yo momma's so fat, she had to go to Sea
World to get baptized!
*Yo momma's so fat, even her clothes have
stretch marks!
*Yo momma's so fat, they tie a rope around
her shoulders and drag her through a tunnel when they want to clean it!
*Yo momma's so fat, she has a run in her
blue-jeans!
*Yo momma's so fat, her legs are like
spoiled milk - white & chunky!
*Yo momma's so fat, she put on some BVD's
and by the time they reached her waist they spelled out boulevard!
*Yo momma's so fat, when she fell over, she
rocked herself asleep trying to get up again!
*Yo momma's so fat, she has to iron her
pants on the driveway!
*Yo momma's so fat, she stands in two time
zones!
*Yo momma's so fat, people jog around her
for exercise!
*Yo momma's so fat, she went to the movies
and sat next to everyone!
*Yo momma's so fat, she was floating in the
ocean and Spain claimed her for the new world!
*Yo momma's so fat, when she is at the
beach, people run around yelling "Free Willy!"
*Yo momma's so fat, she goes to a
restaurant, looks at the menu and says, "Okay!"
*Yo momma's so fat, when she wears a yellow
raincoat, people say "Taxi!"
*Yo momma's so fat, she has to pull down
her pants to get into her pockets!
*Yo momma's so fat, when she bungee jumps,
she brings down the bridge too!
*Yo momma's so fat, when she stepped on a
scale, it read "One at a time, please"!
*Yo momma's so fat, God couldn't light
Earth till she moved!
*Yo momma's so fat, NASA has to orbit a
satellite around her!
*Yo momma's so fat, whenever she goes to
the beach the tide comes in!
*Yo momma's so fat, even Bill Gates
couldn't pay for her liposuction!
*Yo momma's so fat, when she goes to an
amusement park, people try to ride HER!
*Yo momma's so fat, when she lies on the
beach no one else gets sun!
*Yo momma's so fat, that her senior
pictures had to be arial views!
*Yo momma's so fat, they have to grease the
bath tub to get her out!
*Yo momma's so fat, when she gets on the
scale it says to be continued!
*Yo momma's so fat, that when I tried to
drive around her I ran out of gas!
*Yo momma's so fat, the animals at the zoo
feed her!
*Yo momma's so fat, you have to grease the
door frame and hold a Twinkie on the other side just to get her through it!
*Yo momma's so fat, she sets off car alarms
when she runs!
*Yo momma's so fat, when she wears a
Malcolm X T-shirt, helicopters try to land on her back!
*Yo momma's so fat, when she stands in a
left-turn lane it gives her the green arrow!
*Yo momma's so fat, when her beeper goes
off, people think she is backing up!
*Yo momma's armpits are so hairy, she looks
like she's got Buckwheat in a headlock!
*Yo momma's so fat, after sex she smokes a
turkey!
*Yo momma's so fat, her blood type is Ragu!
*Yo momma's so fat, she sat on a rainbow
and made Skittles!
*Yo momma's so fat, she has shocks on her
toilet seat!
*Yo momma's so fat, her nickname is
"DAMN!"
*Yo momma's so fat, she eats Wheat Thicks.
*Yo momma's so fat, she has been declared a
natural habitat for Condors.
*Yo momma's so fat, when you get on top of
her your ears pop!
*Yo momma's so fat, when she tripped over
on 4th Ave., she landed on 12th!
*Yo momma's so fat, when she sits around
the house, she SITS AROUND THE HOUSE!
*Yo momma's so fat, when she sits on my
face I can't hear the stereo.
*Yo momma's so fat, she looks like she's
smuggling a Volvo!
*Yo momma's so fat, when she plays
hopscotch, she goes New York, LA, Chicago...
*Yo momma's so fat, she's got Amtrak
written on her leg.
*Yo momma's so fat, you have to roll her
ass in flour and look for the wet spot to have sex with her.
*Yo momma's so fat, she was mistaken for
God's bowling ball!
*Yo momma's so fat, when she bungee jumps
she goes straight to hell!
*Yo momma's so fat, she has a wooden leg
with a kickstand!
*Yo momma's so fat, she has to use a VCR as
a beeper!
*Yo momma's so fat, she broke her leg and
gravy poured out!
*Yo momma's so fat, when she rides in a hot
air balloon, it looks like she's wearing tights!
*Yo momma's so fat, when they used her
underwear elastic for bungee jumping, they hit the ground.
*Yo momma's so fat, she has to buy two
airline tickets.
*Yo momma's so fat, the Aids quilt wouldn't
cover her
*Yo momma's so fat, she can't tie her own
shoes.
*Yo momma's so fat, she cant reach her back
pocket.
*Yo momma's so fat, she uses redwoods to
pick her teeth
*Yo momma's so fat, that when she sits on
the beach, Greenpeace shows up and tries to tow her back into the ocean.
*Yo momma's so fat, that she would have
been in ET, but when she rode the bike across the moon, she caused an eclipse.
*Yo momma's so fat, she hoola-hooped the
super bowl.
*Yo momma's so fat, that when she was born,
she gave the hospital stretch marks.
*Yo momma's so fat, we went to the drive-in
and didn't have to pay because we dressed her as a Chevrolet.
*Yo momma's so fat, she accidentally got a
747 caught in her teeth!
*Yo momma's so fat, to her "light
food" means under 4 Tons!
*Yo momma's so fat, she went on a date with
high heels on and came back with sandals!
*Yo momma's so fat, she stepped on a
talking scale and it told her to GET OFF!
*Yo momma's so fat and stupid, her waist
size is larger than her IQ!
*Yo momma's so fat, she was zoned for
commercial development.
*Yo momma's so fat, she won "Miss
Bessie the Cow 94".
*Yo momma's so fat, she has her own brand
of jeans: FA - FatAss Jeans!
*Yo momma's so fat, she has more rolls than
a Mary Jane truck!
*Yo momma's so stupid, when she saw the
NC-17 (under 17 not admitted) sign, she went home and got 16 friends.
*Yo momma's so stupid, she bought a
solar-powered flashlight!
*Yo momma's so stupid, she asked "What
is the number for 911?"
*Yo momma's so stupid, when she read on her
job application to not write below the dotted line she put "O.K."
*Yo momma's so stupid, she stole free
bread.
*Yo momma's so stupid, she took a spoon to
the superbowl.
*Yo momma's so stupid, she called Dan
Quayle for a spell check.
*Yo momma's so stupid, she makes Beavis and
Butt-Head look like Nobel Prize winners.
*Yo momma's so stupid, when asked on an
application, "Sex?", she marked, "M, F and sometimes Wednesday too."
*Yo momma's so stupid, she took the Pepsi
challenge and chose Jif.
*Yo momma's so stupid, when you stand next
to her you hear the ocean!
*Yo momma's so stupid, she thinks Fleetwood
Mac is a new hamburger at McDonald's!
*Yo momma's so stupid, she sits on the TV,
and watches the couch!
*Yo momma's so stupid, she bought a video
camera to record cable TV shows at home.
*Yo momma's so stupid, she took a umbrella
to see Purple Rain.
*Yo momma's so stupid, was born on
Independence Day and can't remember her birthday.
*Yo momma's so stupid, she couldn't read an
audio book.
*Yo momma's so stupid, it takes her a month
to get rid of the 7 day itch.
*Yo momma's so stupid, she thought the
Nazis were saying "Hi! Hitler."
*Yo momma's so stupid, it takes her a week
to get rid of a 24hr virus.
*Yo momma's so stupid, it takes her a day
to cook a 3 minute egg.
*Yo momma's so stupid, she asked me what
kind of jeans I had on and I said "Guess" so she said Levi's.
*Yo momma's so ugly, she gets 364 extra
days to dress up for Halloween.
*Yo momma's so ugly, when she walks into a
bank, they turn off the surveillance cameras.
*Yo momma's so ugly, her mom had to tie a
steak around her neck to get the dogs to play with her.
*Yo momma's so ugly, the government moved
Halloween to her birthday.
*Yo momma's so ugly, that if ugly were
bricks she'd have her own projects.
*Yo momma's so ugly, they pay her to put
her clothes on in strip joints.
*Yo momma's so ugly, she made an onion cry.
*Yo momma's so ugly, when they took her to
the beautician it took 12 hours for a quote!
*Yo momma's so ugly, she tried to take a
bath and the water jumped out!
*Yo momma's so ugly, she looks out the
window and gets arrested!
*Yo momma's so ugly, for Halloween she
trick or treats on the phone!
*Yo momma's so ugly, she turned Medusa to
stone!
*Yo momma's so ugly, people go as her for
Halloween.
*Yo momma's so ugly, she scares the roaches
away.
*Yo momma's so ugly, I heard that your dad
first met her at the pound.
*Yo momma's so ugly, that your father takes
her to work with him so that he doesn't have to kiss her goodbye.
*Yo momma's so ugly, your dad's breath
smells like crap because he would rather kiss her ass.
*Yo momma's so ugly, she is very successful
at her job: Being a scarecrow!
*Yo momma's so old, her birth certificate
says expired on it.
*Yo momma's so old, her birth certificate
is in Roman numerals.
*Yo momma's nose is so big, you can go
bowling with her boogers!
*Yo momma's nose is so big, she makes
Pinocchio look like a cat!
*Yo momma's so greasy, Exxon buys Oil from
her.
*Yo momma's teeth are so yellow, I can't
believe its not butter.
*Yo momma's so lazy, she thinks a
two-income family is where yo daddy has two jobs.
*Yo momma's so tall, she did a back-flip
and kicked Jesus in the mouth.
*Yo momma's so tall, she tripped in
Michigan and hit her head in Florida.
*Yo momma's so flat, she makes the wall
jealous!
*Yo momma's glasses are so thick, that when
she looks on a map she can see people waving.
*Yo momma's glasses are so thick, she can
see into the future.
*Yo momma's so short, she can play handball
on the curb.
*Yo momma's so short, she does back-flips
under the bed.
*Yo momma's so short, she models for
trophies.
*Yo momma's so short, she is the original
Q-tip.
*Yo momma's so short, she poll vaults with
a toothpick.
*Yo momma's so nasty, she made speed stick
slow down.
*Yo momma's so nasty, the fishery be paying
her to leave.
*Yo momma's so nasty, that her crap is glad
to escape.
*Yo momma's so nasty, lice consider her a
great vacation place.
*Yo momma's so nasty, she was declared in
quarantine since before she was born.
*Yo momma's so nasty, she joined the four
horseman: war, death, famine, disease and Yo momma!
*Yo momma's so nasty, her teeth look like
she got jumped by the Cavity Creeps!
*Yo momma's like the Pillsbury doughboy -
everyone gets a poke!
*Yo momma's like a doorknob - everyone gets
a turn!
*Yo momma's like a TV set, even a three
year old can turn her on!
*Yo momma's like a bus, fifty cents and
she's ready to ride!
*Yo momma's like a golf course, everyone
GETS a hole in one!
*Yo momma's like the railway system, she
gets laid all over the country!
*Yo momma's like a ketchup bottle, everyone
gets a squeeze out of her!
*Yo momma's like a shotgun, one cock and
she blows!
*Yo momma's like a hardware store: 4 cents
a screw!
*Yo momma's like cake mix, 15 servings per
package!
*Yo momma's like a rifle: four cocks and
she's loaded.
*Yo momma's like a bowling ball. She's
picked up, fingered, and then thrown in the gutter.
*Yo momma's like Chinese food: sweet, sour
and cheap!
*Yo momma's like a vacuum cleaner: a real
good suck.
*Yo momma's like castlebury stew: servings
are family size
*Yo momma's so hairy, Bigfoot is taking her
picture!
*Yo momma's so hairy, she looks like a Chia
Pet with an afro!
*Yo momma's so slutty, she could suck-start
a Harley!
*Yo momma's so slutty, she could suck the
chrome off a trailer hitch ball!
*Yo momma's so slutty, that I could've been
your daddy, but the guy in line behind me had the correct change.
*Yo momma's so slutty, she had her own
"Hands across her ass" charity drive.
*Yo momma's so slutty, that when she heard
Santa Claus say HO HO HO she thought she was getting it three times.
*Yo momma's so slutty, she blind and seeing
another man.
*Yo momma's so slutty, she is known as
Homecoming Disease
*Yo momma's so slutty, she has Trojan
written on her gumline.
*Yo momma's got two wooden legs and one is
on backward.
*Yo momma's got so many teeth missing, it
looks like her tongue is in jail.
*Yo momma's got eyes in her butt talking
about "Damn, did you see that crap?!"
*Yo momma's house is so small, she has to
go outside to eat a large pizza.
*Yo momma's house is so small, you have to
go outside to change your mind.
*Yo momma's house is so dirty, roaches ride
around on dune buggies!
*Yo momma's house is so dirty, she has to
wipe her feet before she goes outside.
*Yo momma's hair is so short, when she
braided it they looked like stitches.
*Yo momma's hair is so short, she curls it
with rice.
*Yo momma's hair is so nappy, she has to
take Tylenol just to comb it.
*Yo momma's head is so big, she has to step
into her shirts.
*Yo momma's head is so small, she uses a
tea-bag as a pillow.
*Yo momma's head is so small, that she got
her ear pierced and died.
*Yo momma's wears knee-pads and yells,
"Curb Service!"
*Yo momma's feet are so big, her shoes have
to have license plates!
*Yo momma's mouth is so big, she speaks in
surround sound.
*Yo momma's hips are so big, people set
their drinks on them.
*Yo momma's so wrinkled, she has to screw
her hat on.
*Yo momma's arms are so short, she has to
tilt her head to scratch her ear.
*Yo momma's in a wheelchair and says,
"You ain't gonna push me 'round no more."
*Yo momma's so grouchy, the McDonald's she
works in doesn't even serve Happy Meals.
*Yo momma's gums are so black, she spits
Yoo-hoo.
*Yo momma's breath smells so bad, when she
yawns her teeth duck.
*Yo momma's in a wheelchair screaming,
"I AIN'T STANDING FOR THIS!"
*Yo momma can wrestle a cow to the ground.
*If my dog had a face as ugly as your
momma's, I'd shave his ass and make him walk backwards.
*Yo momma's so slutty, it took her 10 tries
to get her drivers license: she couldn't get used to the front seat!
*Yo momma's so fat, she uses hula-hoops to
hold up her stockings!
*Yo momma's so fat, she keeps her diaphragm
in a pizza box!
*Yo momma's so fat, she shaves her legs
with a lawnmower!
*Yo momma's so stinky, she made Right Guard
turn left!
*Yo momma's so stupid, it took her 2 hours
to watch 60 minutes!
*Yo momma is like Betty Crocker icing,
always ready to spread!
*Yo momma is like Crazy Eddie's, she's
practically giving it away!
*Yo momma is like a 7-11, on every corner
and always open!
*Yo momma is like a birthday cake,
everybody gets a piece!
*Yo momma is like a bubble-gum machine, 25
cents a blow!
*Yo momma is like a bus, guys climb on and
off her all day!
*Yo momma's so fat, she wakes up in
sections!
*Yo momma's so stupid, she puts lipstick on
her head just to make-up her mind!
*Yo momma's so stupid, she hears it's
chilly outside, so she gets a bowl!
*Yo momma's so stupid, that she sold the
car for gas money!
*Yo momma's so stupid, she took a ruler to
bed to see how long she slept!
*Yo momma's so stupid, she stepped on a
crack and broke her own back!
*Yo momma's so stupid, she thought she
needed a token to get on Soul Train!
*Yo momma's so stupid, she watches
"The Three Stooges" and takes notes!
*Yo momma's so stupid, she thought gangrene
was another golf course!
*Yo momma's so stupid, she thought Taco
Bell was a Mexican phone company!
*Yo momma's so ugly, when she joined an
ugly contest, they said, "Sorry, no professionals!"
*Yo momma's so ugly, she looked out the
window and got arrested for mooning!
*Yo momma's so ugly, just after she was
born, her mother said, "What a treasure!" and her father said, "Yes, let's
go bury it."
*Yo momma's so ugly, they push her face
into dough to make gorilla cookies!
*Yo momma's so ugly, they filmed
"Gorillas in the Mist" in her shower!
*Yo momma's so ugly, they didn't give her a
costume when she tried out for Star Wars!
*Yo momma's so ugly, instead of putting the
bungee cord around her ankle, they put it around her neck!
*Yo momma's so ugly, her mom had to be
drunk to breast feed her!
*Yo momma's so ugly, when she walks down
the street in September, people say, "Damn, is it Halloween already?"
*Yo momma's so ugly, even Rice Krispies
won't talk to her!
*Yo momma's so ugly, when she sits in the
sand on the beach, cats try to bury her!
*Yo momma's so ugly, doctors hire her to
stand outside their offices to make people sick!
*Yo momma's so old, I told her to act her
age, and the bitch died!
*Yo momma's so old, she has Jesus' beeper
number!
*Yo momma's so old, her social security
number is 1!
*Yo momma's so old, that when God said let
there be light, she hit the switch!
*Yo momma's so old, that when she was in
school there was no history class!
*Yo momma's so old, she knew Burger King
while he was still a prince!
*Yo momma's so old, she was a waitress at
the Last Supper!
*Yo momma's so old, she ran track with
dinosaurs!
*Yo momma's so old, her tits give off
powdered milk!
*Yo momma's so poor, when she goes to KFC,
she has to lick other people's fingers!
*Yo momma's so poor, she was in K-Mart with
a box of Hefty bags. I said, "What ya doin'?" She said, "Buying
luggage."
*Yo momma's so dirty, she has to creep up
on bath water!
*Yo momma's so dirty, the soap says NOPE!
*Yo momma's so short, every time she farts,
she blows sand in her shoes!
*Yo momma's so short, you can see her feet
on her drivers license!
*Yo momma's so short, she has to use a
ladder to pick up a dime!
*Yo momma's so short, she has to cuff her
underwear!
*Yo momma's so nasty, she has to put ice
down her drawers to keep the crabs fresh!
*Yo momma's so nasty, she brings crabs to
the beach!
*Yo momma's so nasty, I called her for
phone sex and she gave me an ear infection!
*Yo momma's so nasty, she went swimming and
now we have the dead sea!
*Yo momma's so nasty, she has to wear long
dresses to hide the no pest strip!
*Yo momma's like potato chips, Fri-Too-Lay!
*Yo momma's like a screen door, after a
couple bangs she tends to loosen up!
*Yo momma's like a refrigerator, everyone
likes to put their meat in her!
*Yo momma's so hairy, you almost died of
rug burn at birth!
*Yo momma's so hairy, she's got an afro on
her nipples!
*Yo momma's so hairy, she shaves with a
weedwhacker!
*Yo momma's so hairy, her electric shaver
has three settings: light, medium, and TIMBER!
*Yo momma's so slutty, when she got a new
mini skirt, everyone commented on her nice belt!
*Yo momma's so greasy, she used bacon as a
band-aid!
*Yo momma's so greasy, she sweats Crisco!
*Yo momma's so skinny, she hula hoops with
a cheerio!
*Yo momma's so skinny, she has to wear a
belt with spandex!
*Yo momma's so skinny, she turned sideways
and disappeared!
*Yo momma's so bald, you can see what's on
her mind!
*Yo momma's so bald, that she took a shower
and got brain-washed!
*Yo momma's so bald, she has holes in her
pockets so that she can run her fingers through her hair!
*Yo momma's so tall, she tripped over a
rock and hit her head on the moon!
*Yo momma has so much hair on her upper
lip, she had to braid it!
*Yo momma has an ass so big, she has to
shit in a dumpster!
*Yo momma's head is so big, it shows up on
radar!
*Yo momma's lips are so big, Chap Stick had
to invent a spray!
*Yo momma's teeth are so rotten, when she
smiles they look like dice!
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