SHORT OLD AGE JOKES
A reporter was interviewing a 104 year-old
woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter
asked.
She simply replied, "No peer
pressure."
An accident really uncanny,
Befell an unfortunate granny.
She sat down in a chair
While her false teeth were there,
And bit herself right in the fanny!
What is the best birth control method for
really-old seniors?
Nudity.
What's the most useless thing in Grandma's
house?
Grandpa's thing.
The nice thing about being senile is you
can hide your own Easter eggs.
Two old women were sitting on the bench
talking, when one asked the other, "How's your Paddy holding up in bed these
days?"
The second old lady replied, "He makes
me feel like an exercise bike."
"How's that?"
"He climbs on and starts pumping away
but we never get anywhere!"
Just before the funeral services, the
undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your
husband?"
"98," she replied. "Two
years older than me."
"So you're 96," the undertaker
commented. "Hardly worth going home, isn't it?"
The Senate is investigating deceptive
sweepstakes practices. These companies target the elderly and make them think they will
receive a bunch of money, but in reality they never see any of it.
The most popular of these scams is called
Social Security.
I've sure gotten old. I've had 2 By-pass
surgeries. A hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer, and diabetes. I'm half
blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that
make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor
circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have
lost all my friends.
But.....Thank God, I still have my Florida
driver's license!
The doctor tells his patient: "Well I
have good news and bad news..."
The patient says, "Lay it on me Doc.
What's the bad news?"
"You have Alzheimer's disease."
"Good heavens! What's the good
news?"
"You can go home and forget about
it!"
A husband a wife were celebrating their
90th wedding anniversary, and the media was there to document the occasion. One of the
reporters asked the secret to their successful marriage and longevity. The wife replied
that they had never been sick.
The young reporter was astonished and to
confirm said, "So, you've never been bedridden."
And the wife quickly replied, "Oh,
1000's of times, and twice in a buggy."
A family was supposed to stay the night at
a hotel, but there was a screw-up with the rooms, so Grandpa had to sleep in the same bed
as the 15-year old Grandson. In the middle of the night Grandpa woke up and shouted:
"Quick! Get me a woman! Fast!!"
The grandson moaned: "Please, Grandpa,
calm down. First, its three o'clock in the morning, and you'll never find a woman at this
hour. Second, you're 82 years old, and third, that's MY dick you're holding... not
yours."
When you are young, you want to be the
master of your fate and the captain of your soul. When you are older, you will settle for
being the master of your weight and the captain of your bowling team.
A 97 year old man goes into his doctor's
office.
"Doc, I want my sex drive
lowered."
"Sir", replied the doctor,
"You're 97. Don't you think you're 'sex drive' is all in your head?"
"You're damned right it is!"
replied the old man. "That's why I want it lowered!"
God, grant me the Senility
To forget the people
I never liked anyway,
The good fortune
To run into the ones I do,
And the eyesight
To tell the difference.
An old man goes to the doctor to ask him an
important question.
"Doctor, when I was in my 20's, it
took both of my hands to push down my hard-on. When I was in my 30's, it took one hand to
push down my hard-on. When I was in my 50's, it took three fingers to push down my
hard-on. Now that I'm in my 60's, it only takes one finger to push down on my hard-on! So
what I'm basically trying to ask you is? How strong am I going to get?"
Three ladies were discussing the travails
of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my
hand, while standing in front of the refrigerator, and I can't remember whether I need to
put it away, or start making a sandwich."
The second lady chimed in with, "Yes,
sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on
my way up or on my way down."
The third one responded, " Well,
ladies, I'm glad I don't have that problem. Knock on wood," as she rapped her
knuckles on the table, and then said, "That must be the door, I'll get it!"
Three old men were talking about how much
their hands shook. The first old guy said, "My hands shake so bad, that when I shaved
his morning, I cut my face."
The second old fogey one-upped him and
said, "My hands shake so bad, that when I trimmed my garden yesterday, I sliced all
my flowers."
The third old man laughed and said,
"That's nothing. My hands shake so bad that when I took a piss yesterday, I came
three times!"
A 90-year old man announces his intention
to marry a woman of 30. He is persuaded to have a medical exam first.
"Everyone tells me I need a checkup to
see if I'm sexually fit," he says to the doctor.
"O.K,." says the medic, "Let
me see your sex organs."
So the old guy sticks out his tongue and
his middle finger.
As a senior citizen was driving down the
freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him,
"Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280.
Please be careful!"
"Hell," said Herman, "It's
not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
An elderly woman from Brooklyn decided to
prepare her will and make her final requests. She told her rabbi she had two final
requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered
over Bloomingdales.
"Bloomingdales!" the rabbi
exclaimed. "Why Bloomingdales?"
"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit
me twice a week."
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