YOU'RE
GETTING OLDER WHEN...
- When your friends compliment you on your
new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
- When your doctor doesn't give you x-rays
anymore but just holds you up to the light.
- When a sexy babe catches your fancy and
your pacemaker opens the garage door nearest you.
- When you remember when the Dead Sea was
only sick.
- When your wife says, "Let's go
upstairs and make love" and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!"
- Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out
of your face.
- When you don't care where your spouse
goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
- You know you're getting old when your
semi-annual erection becomes an annual semi-erection!
- You and your teeth don't sleep together.
- Your back goes out, but you stay home.
- You wake up, looking like your driver's
license picture.
- It takes two tries to get up from the
couch.
- Your idea of a night out is sitting on
the patio.
- Happy hour is a nap.
- When you step off a curb and look down
one more time to make sure that the street is still there.
- Your idea of weight lifting is standing
up.
- It takes longer to rest than it did to
get tired.
- Your memory is shorter and your
complaining is longer.
- The pharmacist has become you new best
friend.
- It takes twice as long to look half as
good.
- The twinkle in your eye is only the
reflection of the sun on your bifocals.
- You look for your glasses for a half an
hour, and then find that they were on your head all the time.
- You get two invitations to go out on the
same night, and you pick the one that gets you home the earliest.
- You give up all your bad habits and you
still don't feel good.
- You have more patience; but actually,
it's just that you don't care any more.
- You sit in a rocking chair and can't get
it going.
- You confuse having a clear conscience
with having a bad memory.
- You wonder how you could be over the hill
when you don't even remember being on top of it.
- You don't know real embarrassment until
your hip sets off a metal detector.
- Let's face it, traveling just isn't as
much fun when all the historical sites are younger than you are.
- Every time you suck in your gut, your
ankles swell.
- You're suffering from Mallzheimer's
disease. You go to the mall and forget where I parked my car.
- Age always corresponds inversely to the
size of your multi-vitamin.
- Your investment in health insurance is
finally beginning to pay off.
- It's harder and harder for sexual
harassment charges to stick.
- If you've never smoked, you can start now
and it won't have time to hurt you.
- People no longer view you as a
hypochondriac.
- Your secrets are safe with your friends
because they can't remember them either.
- Your supply of brain cells is finally
down to a manageable size.
- Your eyes won't get much worse.
- Adult diapers are actually kind of
convenient.
- Things you buy now won't wear out.
- No one expects you to run into a burning
building.
- There's nothing left to learn the hard
way.
- Your joints are more accurate than the
National Weather Service.
- In a hostage situation you are likely to
be released first.
- You're sitting on a park bench, and a Boy
Scout comes up and helps you cross your legs.
- You light the candles on your birthday
cake, and a group of campers form a circle and start singing "Kumbaya."
- Someone compliments you on your layered
look.... and you're wearing a bikini.
- You start video taping daytime game
shows.
- You wonder why you waited so long to take
up macramé.
- At cafeterias, you complain that the
gelatin is too tough.
- Your new easy chair has more options than
your car.
- Conversations with people your own age
often turn into "dueling ailments."
- It takes a couple of tries to get over a
speed bump.
- You're on a TV game show and you decide
to risk it all and go for the rocker.
- You find yourself beginning to like
accordion music.
- You begin every other sentence with,
"Nowadays..."
- You run out of breath walking DOWN a
flight of stairs.
- You look both ways before crossing a
room.
- You come to the conclusion that your
worst enemy is gravity.
- You frequently find yourself telling
people what a loaf of bread USED to cost.
- You realize that a stamp today costs more
than a picture show did when you were growing up.
- Your childhood toys are now in a museum.
- Many of your co-workers were born the
same year that you got your last promotion.
- The clothes you've put away until they
come back in style... come back in style.
- All of your favorite movies are now
re-released in color.
- The car that you bought brand new becomes
an antique.
- You're asleep, but others worry that
you're dead.
- Your back goes out more than you do.
- You quit trying to hold your stomach in,
no matter who walks into the room.
- You buy a compass for the dash of your
car.
- You are proud of your lawn mower.
- Your best friend is dating someone half
their age and isn't breaking any laws.
- Your arms are almost too short to read
the newspaper.
- You sing along with the elevator music.
- You would rather go to work than stay
home sick.
- You constantly talk about the price of
gasoline.
- You enjoy hearing about other people's
operations.
- You consider coffee one of the most
important things in life.
- You no longer think of speed limits as a
challenge.
- Neighbors borrow your tools.
- People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did
I wake you?"
- You have a dream about prunes.
- You send money to PBS.
- The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere
near the top of your pants.
- You take a metal detector to the beach.
- You wear black socks with sandals.
- You know what the word "equity"
means.
- You can't remember the last time you laid
on the floor to watch television.
- Your ears are hairier than your head.
- You talk about "good grass" and
you're referring to someone's lawn.
- You get into a heated argument about
pension plans.
- You got cable for the weather channel.
- You can go bowling without drinking.
- You have a party and the neighbors don't
even realize it.
- Everything that works hurts, and what
doesn't hurt doesn't work.
- You feel like the morning after, and you
haven't been anywhere.
- Your little black book only contains
names ending in M.D.
- Your children are beginning to look
middle-aged.
- Your mind makes contracts your body can't
keep.
- You look forward to a dull evening.
- Your knees buckle and your belt won't.
- You sink your teeth into a steak, and
they stay there.
- You know all the answers, but nobody asks
the questions.
- You don't remember when your wild oats
turned to prunes and all bran.
- You finally got your head together, now
your body is falling apart.
- You don't remember being absent minded.
- "Getting a little action" means
you don't need to take a laxative.
- Getting lucky means you find your car in
the parking lot.
- Tying one on means fastening your Medic
Alert bracelet.
|
