GEORGE
W. BUSH'S FIRST 100 DAYS IN OFFICE
January 20: Take oath to uphold the honor
and dignity of the office of President of the United States. Nudge Rehnquist, ask what
he's wearing under that dress.
January 23: Award Presidential Medal of
Freedom to Ralph Nader.
January 24: Help Alec Baldwin pack.
January 30: Memo to Jeb: in your face,
Poindexter!
January 31: Get people working on stuff.
February 3: Bring Democrats and Republicans
together.
February 4: Bring peanut butter and
chocolate together.
February 5: Unite North, South Dakota;
North, South Carolina; New, Old Mexico.
February 7: Get loaded, fail to name
designated driver, don't tell anyone for 25 years, usher in an era of personal
responsibility.
February 9: Change pitch and tone of
Washington to something that will only annoy dogs.
February 12: Replace Affirmative Action
with Affirmative Access. Replace Medicare with Medicool. Replace Department of
Transportation with Department of Fantabulation.
February 18: Offer Jeb important cabinet
position, possibly Secretary of My Asshole.
February 20: Invite NRA executives into
Oval Office to write legislation, play Madden NFL 2001.
March 1-March 31: Halftime!
April 1: Plant flowers in Rose Garden:
daisies?
April 7: Give younger workers the
opportunity to responsibly invest a portion of their payroll taxes in eBay bids.
April 9: Open up Yellowstone National Park,
the Appalachian Trail and Chappaqua, NY for oil exploration.
April 12: State dinner for Emperor Akihito
of Japan. Do "Samurai Dry Cleaner" sketch.
April 15: Replace soft bigotry of low
expectations with hard nougat of candy.
April 18: Try Oval Office fellatio (once or
twice; what's the harm?).
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