HOW
TO BE A GOOD REPUBLICAN
1. You have to believe that the nation's
current 8-year prosperity was due to the work of Ronald Reagan and George Bush, but
yesterday's gasoline prices are all Clinton's fault.
2. You have to believe that those
privileged from birth achieve success all on their own.
3. You have to be against all government
programs, but expect Social Security checks on time.
4. You have to believe that AIDS victims
deserve their disease, but smokers with lung cancer and overweight individuals with heart
disease don't deserve theirs.
5. You have to appreciate the power rush
that comes with sporting a gun.
6. You have to believe everything Rush
Limbaugh says.
7. You have to believe that the
agricultural, restaurant, housing and hotel industries can survive without immigrant
labor.
8. You have to believe God hates
homosexuality, but loves the death penalty.
9. You have to believe society is
color-blind and growing up black in America doesn't diminish your opportunities, but you
still won't vote for Alan Keyes.
10. You have to believe that pollution is
OK as long as it makes a profit.
11. You have to believe in prayer in
schools, as long as you don't pray to Allah or Buddha.
12. You have to believe Newt Gingrich and
Henry Hyde were really faithful husbands.
13. You have to believe speaking a few
Spanish phrases makes you instantly popular in the barrio.
14. You have to believe that only your own
teenagers are still virgins.
15. You have to be against government
interference in business, until your oil company, corporation or Savings and Loan is about
to go broke and you beg for a government bail out.
16. You love Jesus and Jesus loves you and,
by the way, Jesus shares your hatred for AIDS victims, homosexuals, and President Clinton.
17. You have to believe government has
nothing to do with providing police protection, national defense, and building roads.
18. You have to believe a poor, minority
student with a disciplinary history and failing grades will be admitted into an elite
private school with a $1,000 voucher.
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