YOU MIGHT BE A REPUBLICAN IF...
You've tried to argue that poverty could be
abolished if people were allowed to keep more of their minimum wage.
You've ever referred to someone as "my
(insert racial or ethnic minority here) friend."
You're a pro-lifer, but support the death
penalty.
You've ever referred to the moral fiber of
something.
You've ever uttered the phrase, "Why
don't we just bomb the sons of bitches."
You've ever called a secretary or waitress
"Honey."
You don't think "The Simpsons" is
all that funny, but you watch it because that Flanders fellow makes a lot of sense.
You don't let your kids watch Sesame Street
because you accuse Bert and Ernie of "sexual deviance."
You use any of these terms to describe your
wife: Old ball and chain, little woman, old lady, tax credit...
You scream "Dit-dit-ditto" while
making love.
You've argued that art has a "moral
foundation set in Western values."
You think Birkenstock was that radical rock
concert in 1969.
You argue that you need 300 handguns, in
case a bear ever attacks your home.
Vietnam makes a lot of sense to you.
You point to Hootie and the Blowfish as
evidence of the end of racism in America.
You've ever said, "Clean air? Looks
clean to me."
You've ever referred to Anita Hill as a
"lying bitch" while attending a Bob Packwood fund-raiser.
You spent MLK Day reading "The Bell
Curve."
You've ever called education a luxury.
You look down through a glass ceiling and
chuckle.
You wonder if donations to the Pentagon are
tax-deductable.
You own a vehicle with an "Ollie
North: American Hero" sticker.
You're afraid of the "liberal
media."
You ever based an argument on the phrase,
"Well, tradition dictates...."
You've ever called the National Endowment
for the Arts a bunch of pornographers.
You think all artists are gay.
You ever told a child that Oscar the Grouch
"lives in a trash can because he is lazy and doesn't want to contribute to
society."
You've ever urged someone to pull
themselves up by their bootstraps, when they don't even have shoes.
 
|
