U.S. BOMBING CAMPAIGN
U.S. TO BEGIN BOMBING ENGLAND UNLESS PEACE
ACCORD IS RATIFIED BY ENGLAND AND BREAKAWAY PROVINCE OF N. IRELAND
The White House -- President Clinton
announced today that an all out bombing offensive against England will begin in two weeks,
unless a peace accord is ratified by England and its breakaway province of Northern
Ireland. Along with liberating Northern Ireland, the President said that all British
culinary institutes would be fair game for bombing. After the attack, NATO peace keeping
troops will be sent in to ensure that all dentists can operate safely and without the
threat of attack.
"Using the fine logic we crafted in
the Kosovo intervention, we have decided to add, incrementally, to the list of peace
initiatives around the world," he said in a prepared statement.
A background briefing indicated that on a
weekly schedule, the Clinton administration would intervene in the following areas:
Week one -- Bombing of England to free
Northern Ireland, and to destroy the legendarily bad cuisine fabrication facilities.
Week two -- Bombing of Ankara, Baghdad and
Teheran to free the Kurds. Oh yeah, let us not forget all of the oil reserves we would
gain.
Week three -- Bombing of several random
African countries to stop the Hutus from killing Tutsis.
Week four -- Bombing of both Istanbul and
Athens to solve the Cyprus problem, and end the argument over whether Socrates was
actually homosexual or not.
Week five -- Bombing of Madrid to free the
Basque Country, also to shut up the people at PETA because one target would be the bull
fighting rings.
Week six -- Bombing of Ottawa to free the
Quebecois.
Week seven -- Bombing of Jakarta to free
the Timor Islands.
Week eight -- Bombing of Switzerland
because it is due time that they were bullied.
Week nine -- Bombing of Paris to free
Corsica, and those wishing to use deodorant and razors.
Week ten -- Bombing of Washington, DC to
free the Confederate of Southern States, held captive for 139 years, and to free up more
Senate seats for Hillary to possibly run for.
Week eleven -- Bombing of North Dakota so
that South Dakota might finally be recognized as a "real" state.
"This schedule will do until we can
come up with others," said Madeline Albright, Secretary of State. When asked whether
or not the US would bomb Beijing in order to free Tibet she responded, "Something
that practical would never be on a military agenda."
 
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