MEN
VS. WOMEN: BATHROOM STRATEGIES
The Man's Strategy
for Going to the Bathroom:
1) Walk slowly and proudly up to the
bathroom, make sure everyone knows that is where you are headed.
2) Enter the bathroom, and quickly check
out the whole room
3) Look for the right urinal. This is how
to pick your urinal: There must be at least one urinal between you and the next closest
person (on either side) to you, if this is not available, take the urinal next to the
wall, beside a 'safe looking' male. If this is also not available, glance at stalls, or
leave bathroom, and return later, to get the right spot.
4) If proper urinal is available, approach
urinal swiftly, looking straight ahead, never turning eyes or head. Another approach is to
look at the floor, feet are always good as well.
5) Undo pants, relieve yourself as quickly
as possible, keep head looking down (or eyes closed and head held looking up) this way no
one will think you are trying to check them out.
6) Shake it off, put it back in your pants.
** Note Steps 7 and 8 are optional, but recommended in 45 of the 50 states.
7) Wash hands.
8) Attempt to dry hands. Look to see if a
blow dryer or paper towel dispenser is close by. If not, your clothes will do just fine as
a towel.
9) Exit bathroom, do NOT look back, you
didn't forget anything.
10) Check to see if your female companion
has exited the bathroom before you, although highly unlikely, you must check anyway.
11) Wait patiently for her return, remember
to NOT say things like, "Wow, what took you so long."
A Women's Strategy
for Going to the Bathroom:
1) Enter bathroom, and start checking each
stall, but do NOT check the first one, first one is bad luck, even if tests prove that
it's always the cleanest. Look to see what stall is the nicest looking, deciding only
after checking every available stall.
2) Decide which is the cleanest stall, and
try to get to it before that other bitch who entered when you did.
3) Mutter "Slut" under breath,
when she grabs the stall you wanted, and make a run for the one you wanted, or that skank
who entered after you will get it.
4) Hang jacket and purse on hooks on door.
5) Take some toilet paper and wipe the
seat, pretending you can wipe off all germs.
6) Line toilet seat with toilet paper!
Germs are bad!
7) Start to take off all layers of required
clothing, be sure nothing rests on the ground! Use all other hooks available if needed.
8) Sit down on toilet seat very lightly, as
not to disturb layer of paper between you and the seat. Germs are bad!
9) Relax and let the flow go, but make sure
your still sitting lightly, because the paper on the seat can't move, or you'll get germs!
10) Start to dispense the required amount
of toilet paper from the roll. Fold into neat rectangle, and wipe all drips, very careful
to not get germs from the seat!
11) Toss soiled toilet paper into toilet
while standing up, watch out for the germs!
12) Start to put back on the 27 layers of
clothing you were wearing, make sure it looks exactly like it did when you entered
bathroom.
13) Put all toilet paper lining seat into
toilet.
14) Flush.
15) Grab jacket and purse while unlocking
door.
16) Walk to sink, and turn on tap.
17) Put hands under running water for at
least 10 seconds.
18) Lather up with lots of soap, and be
sure to get anywhere on hands that was exposed to germs!
19) Rinse soap off hands under water for
another 10 seconds.
20) Look for paper towel, if there is none,
mumble under breath, and stick hands under blow dryer for 4 minutes. NEVER WIPE HANDS ON
CLOTHING! Make your move to counter/mirror section.
21) Put jacket to side, blocking that skank
who was trying to get your stall from coming next to you, and make sure your as far away
as possible from that bitch who took your stall.
22) Scoff at the way the bitch who took
your stall looks. Her make-up is all wrong!
23) Spread out contents of purse on
counter.
24) Touch up already perfect make-up, for
no reason, be sure to take at least 2 minutes doing this.
25) Organize objects when putting back in
purse, a messy purse is bad!
26) Put on jacket, laugh to self at that
skank who wanted your stall her clothes are gross.
27) Walk out of bathroom, tossing head at
the skank who is still putting make-up on, and make sure you gasp when the bitch who took
your stall scoffs at you.
28) Find boyfriend outside, wonder how he
gets done so fast ... You were really quick this time!
 
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