SURVIVAL
GUIDE FOR TAKING A DUMP AT WORK
Memorize these definitions and pooping at
work will become a pure pleasure.
ESCAPEE
Definition: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing poop in a
stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic/embarrassment. This is
similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If
you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are
standing next to the farter at the urinal, pretend that you did not hear it. No one likes
an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both
parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK (Used in
conjunction with escapee)
Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine guns pace. This is
usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen do not panic,
remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the
awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH
Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits
the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount
of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught
doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME
Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk-up
the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in. As with all
farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER
Definition: A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an
Out of the Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm.
Always look around the office for the Out of the Closet pooper before entering the
bathroom.
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK
(PFN)
Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off
without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of OUT OF THE CLOSET
POOPERS and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVEN
Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect
visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds
of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR
Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the
door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that occur when work
taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the TURD BURG leaves.
This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH
Definition: A phony cough which alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in
a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON or to alert potential TURD BURGLARS.
Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE
Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential TURD BURGLARS that you are
occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an
ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
WATERMELON
Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also
an embarrassing incident. If you feel a WATERMELON coming on, create a diversion. See
CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANA OMELET
Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water.
Often accompanied by an escapee. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE.
UNCLE TED
Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended
lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An UNCLE TED makes it
difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when
the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.
FLY BY
Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in, check for other
poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to
become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going
into the bathroom.
CRACK WHORE
Definition: A crapper that has seen more ass than a Greyhound Bus. Tell tale signs of a
CRACK WHORE include pubes, piss stains and shit streaks. Avoid CRACK WHORES at all cost.
Try finding out when the janitor cleans each particular bathroom. Don't forget, a CRACK
WHORE can become a SAFEHAVEN.
 
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