THE
POOPIE LIST
THE CROWD PLEASER: This is
so intriguing in size and/or appearance that you have to show it to someone before
flushing.
THE MOOD ENHANCER: This
occurs after a lengthy period of constipation, thereby allowing you to be your old self
again.
THE RITUAL: This occurs at
the same time each day and is accomplished with the aid of a newspaper.
THE GUINNESS BOOK OF RECORDS
POOPIE: So noteworthy it should be recorded for future generations.
THE AFTERSHOCK: This has
an odor so powerful than anyone entering the vicinity within the next 7 hours is affected.
THE HONEYMOON'S OVER: This
is any shit created in the presence of another person.
THE GROANER: A shit so
huge it cannot exit without vocal assistance.
THE FLOATER: Characterized
by its floatability, this shit has been known to resurface after many flushings.
THE RANGER: A dump which
refuses to let go. It is usually necessary to engage in a rocking or bouncing motion, but
quite often the only solution is to push it away with a small piece of toilet paper.
THE PHANTOM: This appears
in the toilet mysteriously and no one will admit to putting it there.
THE PEEK-A-BOO: Now you
see it, now you don't. This shit is playing games with you. Requires patience and muscle
control.
THE BOMBSHELL: A shit that
comes as a complete surprise at a time that is either inappropriate to shit (i.e., during
lovemaking or a root canal) or you are nowhere near shitting facilities.
THE SNAKE CHARMER: A long
skinny shit which has managed to coil itself into a frightening position -- usually
harmless.
THE OLYMPIC POOPIE: This
occurs exactly one hour prior to the start of any competitive event in which you are
entered and bears a close resemblance to the Drinker's Shit.
THE BACK-TO-NATURE POOPIE:
This may be of any variety but is always deposited either in the woods or while hiding
behind the passenger side of your car.
THE PEBBLES-FROM-HEAVEN POOPIE:
An adorable collection of small turds in a cluster, often a gift from God when you
actually CAN'T shit.
PREMEDITATED POOPIE:
Laxative induced. Doesn't count.
SHITZOPHERENIA: Fear of
shitting -- can be fatal!
ENERGIZER vs DURACELL:
Also known as a "Still Going" shit.
THE POWER DUMP: The kind
that comes out so fast, you barely get your pants down when you're done.
THE LIQUID PLUMBER: This
kind of shit is so big it plugs up the toilet and it overflows all over the floor (You
should have followed the advice from the Lincoln Log Shit).
THE "I THINK I'M GIVING BIRTH
THROUGH MY ASSHOLE" POOPIE: Similar to the Lincoln Log and The Spinal Tap
Shits. The shape and size of the turd resembles a tall boy beer can. Vacuous air space
remains in the rectum for some time afterwards.
THE PORRIDGE POOPIE: The
type that comes out like toothpaste, and just keeps on coming. You have two choices: (a)
flush and keep gong, or (b) risk it piling up to your butt while you sit there helpless.
THE "I'M GOING TO CHEW MY FOOD
BETTER" POOPIE: When the bag of Dorritos you ate last night lacerates the
insides of your rectum on the way out in the morning.
THE "I THINK I'M TURNING INTO
A BUNNY" POOPIE: When you drop lots of cute, little round ones that look
like marbles and make tiny splashing sounds when they hit the water.
THE "WHAT THE HELL DIED IN
HERE?" POOPIE: Also sometimes referred to as The Toxic Dump. Of course you
don't warn anyone of the poisonous bathroom odor. Instead, you stand innocently near the
door and enjoy the show as they run out gagging and gasping for air.
THE "I JUST KNOW THERE'S A
TURD STILL DANGLING THERE" POOPIE: Where you just sit there patiently and
wait for the last cling-on to drop off because if you wipe now, it's going to smear all
over the place.
THE PERFECT POOPIE: Every
once in a while, each of us experiences a perfect dump, it's rare, but a thing of beauty
in all respects. You sit down expecting the worst, but what you get is a smooth sliding,
fartless masterpiece that breaks the water with the splashless grace of an expert diver.
But that's not the end of it. You use some toilet tissue only to find that it was totally
unnecessary. It makes you feel that all is right with the world and you are in perfect
harmony with it.
THE BEER POOPIE: Talk
about nasty dumps. Depending on the dumper's tolerance, the beer dump is the end result of
too many beers. It could have been 2 or 22, it doesn't matter. What you get is a sinister,
lengthy, noisy dump accompanied by a malevolent fog that could close a bathroom for days.
THE CHILI POOPIE: Hot when
it goes in, and rocket fuel when it leaves. The chili poopie stays with you all day,
making your tush feel like a heat shield.
THE CABLE POOPIE: Long,
curly and perfectly formed like 2 feet of E13 telephone CO-axial cable. It loops lazily
around the bowl, like a friendly serpent. You wonder admiringly, "DID I DO THAT?
Where did it come from?" you leave the bathroom pleased with yourself.
THE LATRINE POOPIE: In
case you didn't know, a latrine is a hole in the ground with a tent around it where
soldiers, boy scouts and flies go to dump.Tip: Don't ever, ever look in the hole.
THE MONA LISA POOPIE: This
is the masterpiece of dumps. It's as perfectly formed as it can be. Delicate and slender
with intricacies that would make da Vinci weep. And just think, you made it yourself. You
may even want to break out the Polaroid, but maybe that's going a bit too far.
THE EMPTY ROLL POOPIE:
You're done...you reach for the toilet paper only to discover that empty cardboard
cylinder. A mild panic begins coldly in your throat. You could use the curtains...no,
someone would say "Where are the curtains?" Then what would you say? The
rug?...too cumbersome.Then you must come to the same conclusion that every "empty
roll dumper" must face...Pull up your slacks, tighten your tush and wriggle yourself
to the nearest full roll.
THE SPLASH BACK POOPIE:
You send the dump on its way, it drops like a depth charge into the bowl creating a column
of cold bowl water that washes your bottom with a startlingly unpleasant shock. Now you're
wet and embarrassed. Tip: Blot instead of wiping.
THE ABORTED POOPIE: You
are in mid-dump when the phone rings. What do you do? ABORT! Pinch it off, go for the
phone, and save the rest for later. It isn't pretty, but you've gotta do what you gotta
do.
THE ALFRESCO POOPIE:
Everyone has had to go outdoors from time to time. This can be a rather pleasant
experience really. The open air, the nature, and a good bush all contribute to the
peaceful ambiance that our primitive forefathers must have enjoyed. What can screw up this
harmonious interlude is a troop of brownies or a patch of poison ivy.
THE CHILDBIRTH POOPIE:
This is a dump that is simply too big to go through the aperture provided by nature for
the purpose. You sit there, thinking over your dilemma. First it hurts, and it isn't going
to get any better. You wonder if you'll ever see your loved ones again. You imagine the
newspaper headlines screaming "Man dies trying to hatch monster loaf". You
realize you'll have to resolve the crisis before you can leave the bathroom. Basically
there are only three things you can do:
1. Scream
2. Call an Obstetrician
3. Hope like hell have enough Vaseline to get you through it.
THE TIJUANA TROT POOPIE:
The phrase "Shit Happens" really applies here in a big way. When the ice in your
tainted margarita makes contact with your lower intestinal tract, the fun begins. For the
next 72 hours you'd be better off if you carried your own portable toilet with you because
you will spend most of that time on the pot and the rest of the time in a fetal position.
Now you realize why Mexico never had a navy.
THE MACHINE GUN POOPIE:
You're just sitting there in a state of sublime peace when all of a sudden you emit a
group of noisy gassy bursts that break the silence like machine gun fire. The guy in the
next stall hits the floor like a combat veteran cradling his umbrella like an M16...damn
commies.
THE SOUND EFFECT POOPIE:
You feel a noisy one coming on. Relatives, friends or work mates are within earshot, so
you must employ some clever techniques to cover the disgusting sounds you are about to
emit. Timing is obviously very important here. At the precise moment of release, try the
following sound effects:
1. Flush the toilet
2. Sing the first two stanzas of your national anthem
3. Drop a handful of quarters on the floor
THE SECURITY POOPIE: You
have enough on your mind when you're in the bathroom without worrying about a lockless
door and someone bursting in to find you in mid-dump mode. So how can you prevent this
embarrassing spectacle from taking place? One way is to strategically place your foot
against the door. If you can't reach to do this... hum loudly.
THE CLING-ON POOPIE: For
the most part you've completed your dump, but there's one little morsel that refuses to
drop off. You're getting impatient. Someone else wants to use your stall. So, you grip the
seat with both hands and wriggle, twist and pump but that last little stubborn piece just
hangs there, suspended, clinging like a canned peach between you and the bowl water. Maybe
the person pounding impatiently on the door has scissors.
THE HOUDINI POOPIE: You
go, then you stand up to flush, and the darn thing has disappeared. Where'd it go? Did it
creep down the pipe? Did you dream the whole thing? Is it lurking out of sight? Should you
wipe...maybe you should just to make sure you went. Should you flush? you'd better,
because if you don't, you know it will reappear and smile at the next person who comes in.
THE FLUE POOPIE: You feel
so bad that you don't know which end of you to put down first. You have roaring cramps, so
you sit down. Then a wave of nausea rolls over you like a cold fog, so you stand up and
cramps squeeze your intestines like a vice so you sit down again...up down up down. Don't
you wish Mom were close by?
THE PORTA-POTTIE POOPIE:
Construction workers and outdoor concert goers will tell you about going in a portable
toilet. My best description would be, "Its like taking a shit in an upright
coffin". It's claustrophobic and it smells bad...best advice: Go in a paper
cup.
THE PROCTOLOGIST POOPIE:
In the beginning, the lord created the earth, the sky and the firmament, but I hope
he didn't create this dump, because there is nothing biblical about it, you run out of
gas. That's right, you run out of propulsion. The dump is right there at the end of your
barrel and refuses to go any further. You grunt, you squeeze, you wriggle but it just
stays there like a lump of lead. You've only got two choices here. One is to squeeze the
damn thing back up your intestine and wait until next time. The other is to pretend you're
a proctologist and go after it yourself. Not a pretty picture is it??
THE WHOLE ROLL POOPIE:
No matter how much you wipe, it doesn't seem to be enough. You blow the whole roll
and you have to flush 25 times too. The whole episode is consumer waste.
THE GRAFFITI POOPIE:
You flush the dump and the swirling motion of the receding bowl water forces the
dump to the porcelain sides, scraping a creative squiggle on its way down. You flush again
but the curly-Q hangs there...love it or leave it. It's your choice.
THE ENCORE POOPIE:
Ahhhh, you're done, so you wipe, put yourself together, wash your hands and are about to
vacate the bathroom when you feel another dump coming. You have to return for a curtain
call. The world's record is seven encores.
THE BORN AGAIN POOPIE:
This is a dump that's going so badly, you say "Lord, if I live through this,
I'll take up religion" you always get through it, but seldom keep the promise you
made in desperation, because a born again dump is like childbirth ...you forget the pain
quickly.
GHOST POOPIE: The kind
where you feel the poopie come out, but there is no poopie in the toilet.
CLEAN POOPIE: The kind
where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.
WET POOPIE: The kind where
you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet
paper between your butt and your underwear so you won't ruin them with stains.
SECOND WAVE POOPIE: This
happens when you're done poopie-ing and you've pulled your pants up to your knees, and you
realize that you have to poopie some more.
POP-A-VEIN-IN-YOUR-FOREHEAD POOPIE:
The kind where you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke.
LINCOLN LOG POOPIE: The
kind of poopie that is so huge you're afraid to flush without first breaking it into
little pieces with the toilet brush.
GASSY POOPIE: It's so
noisy, that everyone within earshot is giggling.
DRINKER'S POOPIE: The kind
of poopie you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait
is the skid marks on the bottom of the toilet.
CORN POOPIE: Self
explanatory.
GEE-I-WISH-I-COULD-POOPIE POOPIE:
The kind where you want to poopie but all you do is sit on the toilet and fart a few
times.
SPINAL TAP POOPIE: That's
where it hurts so badly coming out, you'd swear it was leaving you sideways.
WET CHEEKS POOPIE (The
Power Dump): The kind that comes out so fast, your butt cheeks get splashed with water.
THE DANGLING POOPIE: This
poopie refuses to drop in the toilet even though you are done poopie-ing it. You just hope
that a shake or two will cut it loose.
THE SURPRISE POOPIE:
You're not even at the toilet because you are sure you are about to fart, but *oops* --- a
poopie!
 
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