TALK FROM THE MEN'S
RESTROOM
A Man Responds To A Woman Who Entered
"Please don't feel bad. It wasn't you
entering the men's washroom that caused that guy to pee on the guy next to him. Hell, we
do that all the time. It's rare us guys ever hit what were aiming for. Sometimes I go into
the washroom, start to pee, and then just start spinning around; just so I'll make sure I
hit something.
You see, something you ladies should
understand by now is that men's penises have a mind of their own. A guy can go into a
bathroom stall because all the urinals are being used, take perfect aim at the toilet, and
his penis will still manage to piss all over the roll of toilet paper, down his left pant
leg, and onto his shoe. I'm telling 'ya those little buggers can't be trusted.
After being married 28 years my wife has me
trained. I'm no longer allowed to pee like a man - standing up. I am required to sit down
and pee. She has convinced me that this is a small price to pay. Otherwise, if she had
gone to the toilet one more time at night and either sat on a pee soaked toilet seat, or
fell right into the toilet because I forgot to put the seat down, she was going to kill me
in my sleep.
Now another thing us guys don't usually
like to talk about, but because you and I have become such good friends and you think I'm
such a classy guy, I might as well be candid with you because it's a real problem, and you
ladies need to be understanding about it. It's the dreaded "morning wood."
Most mornings us guys wake up with two
things. A tremendous desire to pee, and a penis so hard you could cut diamonds with it.
Well, no matter how hard you try, you can't get that thing to bend, and if it won't bend
you can't aim, well hell, if you can't aim you have no choice but to piss all over the
wall paper and that damn fuzzy toilet seat cover you women insist on putting on the
toilet.
And by the way, when you use those damn
fuzzy toilet seat covers, the friggin' toilet seat won't stay up by itself. So that means
we have to use one hand to hold up the toilet seat and the other hand to try to control
our less than perfect aim. Now sometimes, when you're newly married, (and I know the guys
in here will back me up on this) you think you can get the toilet seat with that damn
fuzzy thing to stay up. You jam it back and compress that fuzzy thing until the seat stays
there. OK, so you start to pee, but then that compressed fuzzy starts to decompress and
without warning that damn toilet seat comes flying down and tries to whack off your
weenie. So us guys will not lift a toilet seat with a fuzzy, it's just not safe.
I tried to delicately explain this morning
situation to my wife. I told her... look, it won't bend. She said, "So sit down like
I told you to do all the rest of the time."
OK. I tried sitting down on the toilet with
"morning wood." Well it's is very hard to get it bent under the toilet seat, and
before I could manage it, I had pissed all over the bath towels hanging on the wall across
the room. Now, even if you are sitting down and you can get it forced down under the
toilet seat, when you start to pee the pee shoots out from the crack between the bottom of
the toilet seat and the top of the bowl. You piss all over the back of your knees and it
runs down the back of our legs on to that matching fuzzy horseshoe rug you keep putting on
the floor in front of the toilet.
I have found the only effective maneuver to
deal with this morning urinary dilemma is to assume the flying Superman position laying
over the toilet seat. This takes a great deal of practice, perfect balance, and split time
precision but it's the only sure way to get all the pee in the bowl during the first
morning pee. So you ladies have to understand that us men are not totally to blame. We are
sensitive to your concerns about hygiene and bathroom cleanliness, but there are times
when things just get beyond our control. It's not our fault, it's just Mother
Nature."
