THE
BOUNCED CHECK
Dear Bank Manager,
I am writing to thank you for bouncing the
check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some three
nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check, and the arrival in my
account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly
deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has only been in place for
eight years.
You are to be commended for seizing that
brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account with $50 by way of penalty
for the inconvenience I caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in
which this incident has caused me to re-think my errant financial ways. You have set me on
the path of fiscal righteousness.
No more will our relationship be blighted
by these unpleasant incidents, for I am restructuring my affairs in 1999, taking as my
model the procedures, attitudes and conduct of your very bank. I can think of no greater
compliment, and I know you will be excited and proud to hear it.
To this end, please be advised about the
following changes:
First, I have noticed that whereas I
personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you I am
confronted by the impersonal, ever-changing, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank
has become. From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh and blood person.
My mortgage and loan repayments will,
therefore and hereafter, no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check,
addressed personally and confidentially to an employee of your branch, whom you must
nominate. You will be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other
person to open such an envelope.
Please find attached an Application Contact
Status which I require our chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages,
but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no
alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be
countersigned by a Justice of the Peace, and that the mandatory details of his/her
financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by
documented proof.
In due course I will issue your employee
with a PIN number which he/she must quote in all dealings with me. I regret that it cannot
be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses
required to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation
is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further
by introducing you to my new telephone system, which you will notice, is very much like
yours. My authorized contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will have any
dealings, may call me at any time and will be answered by an automated voice. By pressing
Buttons on the phone, he/she will be guided thorough an extensive set of menus:
1. To make an appointment to see me
2. To query a missing repayment
3. To make a general complaint or inquiry
4. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there; Extension of living room to
be communicated at the time the call is received
5. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am still sleeping. Extension of bedroom to
be communicated at the time the call is received
6. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature. Extension of toilet
to be communicated at the time the call is received
7. To transfer the call to my mobile phone in case I am not at home.
8. To leave a message on my computer. To leave a message a password to access my computer
is required. Password will be communicated at a later date to the contact
9. To return to the main menu and listen carefully to options 1 through 8.
The contact will then be put on hold,
pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may on occasion
involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration. This month I've chosen
a refrain from The Best Of Woody Guthrie:
"Oh, the banks are made of marble
With a guard at every door
And the vaults are filled with silver
That the miners sweated for"
After twenty minutes of that, our mutual
contact will probably know it by heart. On a more serious note, we come to the matter of
cost.
As your bank has often pointed out, the
ongoing drive for greater efficiency comes at a cost. A cost which you have always been
quick to pass on to me. Let me repay your kindness by passing some costs back.
First, there is the matter of advertising
material you send me. This I will read for a fee of $20 per page. Inquiries from your
nominated contact will be billed at $5 per minute of my time spent in response. Any debits
to my account, as, for example, in the matter of the penalty for the dishonored check,
will be passed back to you.
My new phone service runs at 75 cents a
minute (even Woody Guthrie doesn't come for free), so you would be well advised to keep
your inquiries brief and to the point. Regrettably, but again following your example, I
must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly
less prosperous, New Year.
Your Humble Client
 
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