THE
CORPORATE ANIMAL SPIRIT CALENDAR
Were you born in the Year of the Ass?
Consult the Corporate Animal Calendar to find out!
Select the number of the year your birthday
end in.
Cock: 0
Maggot: 1
Sheep: 2
Weasel: 3
Cockroach: 4
Hen: 5
Snake: 6
Dung Beetle: 7
Squid: 8
Ass: 9
Blenny: Leap Year
YEAR OF THE COCK: Those
born in this year tend to be the most aggressively abusive denizens of he office. Their
evil crowing is ubiquitous, and they tend to regard all others as born in the year of the
hen, and often become partners in law offices. Watch out for the ones born on the cusp of
the Year of the Ass!
YEAR OF THE MAGGOT: These
specimens usually become the bitterest of bitter clerks, often degenerating into
paralegals in the terminal stages. The maggot yearns to rise up and cast down his masters,
yet he knows he never will.
YEAR OF THE SHEEP: Prime
exponents of the herd mentality. See them demonstrate loyalty. See them worship the
corporate ethic. See them get laid off!
YEAR OF THE WEASEL: These
are the were-rodents. They're stroking you with one hand and stabbing you in the back with
the other. Those who lack the ethics for child molesting often go into human resources.
YEAR OF THE COCKROACH: The
geek of the corporate world. His self-esteem is so nonexistent that he finds the most
humiliating abuse elevating. It takes all kinds to fill out the circle of life, so go
ahead and crap all over him. It's your cosmic duty.
YEAR OF THE HEN: Another
creature that finds the meaning of life in denigration, except this one is often overpaid
and still enjoys stomping the few available lower forms of life, such as the cockroach.
For details, see dictionary under *legal secretary.*
YEAR OF THE SNAKE: Always
eager to feast on the still-twitching corpse of a co-worker, the Snake attempts to slither
over the remains of other middle managers into positions of real power but is often mashed
to jelly by Asses and Cocks.
YEAR OF THE DUNG BEETLE:
This miserable creature actually enjoys and takes pride in meaningless, rote tasks -- the
only things he can do right. He often rants about powerful spreadsheet and databases
programs, but carries an enormous day planner/address book with no entries in it.
YEAR OF THE SQUID: The
multi-talented but oily-textured Squid is usually found in engineering programming areas.
The squid's numerous limbs allow him to accomplish many tasks while still reserving one
arm to jerk off with.
YEAR OF THE ASS: True to
his name, this one usually gravitates towards sales, politics, and other forms of
aggressive parasitism. The braying of the ass fills the halls of power, yet many of this
species never go farther than the corner liquor store. The blade of Karma is razor sharp.
YEAR OF THE SEA CUCUMBER BLENNY:
In nature, this small fish establishes a symbiosis by living in the anus of the sea
cucumber. In the business world, the blenny is usually an executive *assistant,*
maintaining an affinity for the far reaches of the Ass.
 
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