SHORT
PROFESSION JOKES
A woman rushed into the supermarket to pick
up a few items. She headed for the express line where the clerk was talking on the phone
with his back turned to her.
"Excuse me," she said, "I'm
in a hurry. Could you check me out, please?"
The clerk turned, stared at her for a
second, looked her up and down, smiled and said, "Not bad."
I went into this department store and was
greeted by a female salesgirl who said, "Good afternoon sir, and what is it you
desire?"
I replied, "What I desire is to whisk
ya outta here, take you to my secret hide-away, mix up a big pitcher of drinks, put on
some soft music, and then make mad passionate love to ya all afternoon. However, what I
need is some underwear and socks."
My son is proof that anyone can be
successful enough to drive a BMW or Mercedes. And besides, he looks so cute in his valet
parking attendant uniform.
A father is asked by his friend, "Has
your son decided what he wants to be when he grows up?"
"Yes, he wants to be a garbage
collector," he replies
To this his friend responds, "Strange
ambition to have for a career."
"Well, he thinks that garbage
collectors only work on Tuesdays!"
A psychologist is a man who watches
everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.
A professor is one who talks in someone
else's sleep.
A school teacher is a disillusioned woman
who used to think she liked children.
A consultant is someone who takes the watch
off your wrist and tells you the time.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to
go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
A factory owner said to a store owner,
"Thank you, Mr. Smith, for your patronage. I wish I had twenty customers like
you."
"Gosh, it's nice to hear that, but I'm
kind of surprised," admitted Smith. "You know that I argue every bill and always
pay late."
The factory owner said, "I'd still
like twenty customers like you. The problem is, I have two hundred."
In a small town in the US, there is a
rather sizable factory that hires only married men. Concerned about this, a local woman
called on the manager and asked him, "Why is it you limit your employees to married
men? Is it because you think women are weak, dumb, cantankerous...or what?"
"Not at all, Ma'am," the manager
replied. "It is because our employees are used to obeying orders, are accustomed to
being shoved around, know how to keep their mouths shut, and don't pout when I yell at
them."
To the optimist, the glass is half full. To
the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it
needs to be.
I finally figured out why everyone's having
such a hard time with this Y2K problem. They've got engineers working on it. The Y2K
problem involves finding a date ... something that no engineer has ever had much luck
with.
The whole neighborhood shook from the
explosion. As shopkeepers ran outside to see what happened, they spotted the pharmacist
staggering out of his smoldering building.
His white uniform was now scorched black.
He went up to a woman standing nearby.
"Lady!" he said, "Would you
please ask your doctor to write that prescription again. And this time, PRINT IT!"
A out-of-towner in New York at the height
of the tourist season decided to revisit an uptown restaurant he'd enjoyed on a previous
trip to the city. Finally catching the eye of an overworked waiter, he said, "You
know, it's been over five years since I first came in here."
"You'll have to wait your turn,
sir," replied the harried and now irritated waiter, "I can only serve one table
at a time."
The headwaiter of the five-star, elegant
restaurant recoiled in disgust as a man in muddy hipwader boots, frayed and torn jeans,
dirty leather jacket, long, stringy dirty hair, and a beard with flecks of long ago food
marched right towards him. The man said, "Yo, bucko, where's your shitter?"
The headwaiter calmly replied, "Go
down the hall and turn left. When you see the sign marked 'Gentlemen', pay absolutely no
attention to it and go right inside."
Advice for office managers: If you
keep the sexual harassment complaint forms in the bottom drawer, then when a woman get one
out you'll get a great view of her butt.
Approaching the counter at a local post
office, I said to the stern-faced woman on the other side, "Are you the
Postmistress?"
"No!" she replied testily.
"I'm the Postmaster. Uncle Sam doesn't pay me enough to be anyone's mistress."
They have a new organization called
Workaholics Anonymous. When you get the urge to put in an eight-hour day, you call them up
and they send over two government workers to talk to you.
A small company was on the edge of
bankruptcy. The owner summoned his two-man sales force into his office.
"Things aren't going too well,
guys," he announced grimly. "So to perk up sales I'm announcing a contest. The
guy with the most sales gets a blow job."
"What does the loser get?" asked
one of the salesmen.
The owner looked at both men and said,
"The loser gets to give it."
A rookie milkman had just started a new
milk run when he happened upon a house that when he delivered the milk a beautiful woman
answered the door with a see through nightie on. This happened every morning from Monday
to Thursday.
On Friday the milkman couldn't take it
anymore, so zipped down his fly and took out his fully erect penis and rang the doorbell
to deliver the milk. To his surprise a six foot 200 pound hairy chested man answered the
door.
The quick thinking milkman said, "If
you don't pay for your milk today I'll piss all over you!"
There was once an aspiring veterinarian who
put himself through veterinary school working nights as a taxidermist. Upon graduation, he
decided he could combine his two vocations to better serve the needs of his patients and
their owners, while doubling his practice and, therefore, his income.
He opened his own offices with a shingle on
the door saying, "Dr. Jones, Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy -- Either way, you get
your dog back!"
After her small son fell into the pond and
came home dripping, the exasperated mother sent him to his room while she washed and dried
his clothes. A little later, she heard a commotion in the back yard.
She called out, "Are you out there
wetting your pants again?"
There was dead silence for a moment. Then a
deep masculine voice answered meekly, "No, ma'am, I'm just reading the meter."
The stockbroker was nervous about being in
prison because his cellmate looked like a real thug. "Don't worry," the gruff
looking fellow said, "I'm in here for a white collar crime too."
"Well, that's a relief." sighed
the stockbroker. "I was sent to prison for fraud and insider trading."
"Oh nothing fancy like that for
me," grinned the convict. "I just killed a couple of priests."
Gayle and Karen were comparing notes on the
difficulties of running a small business.
"I started a new practice last
year," Gayle said. "I insist that each of my employees take at least a week off
every three months."
"Why in the world would you do
that?" Karen asked.
Gayle answered, "It's the best way I
know of to learn which ones I can do without."
"Stewardess"
"Yes, Sir?"
"I want to complain about this
airline. Every time I fly, I get the same seat, I can't see the in-flight movie and there
are no windows blinds so I can't sleep."
"Captain, shut up and land the
plane."
A realty salesman had just closed his first
deal, only to discover that the piece of land he had sold was completely under water.
"That customer's going to come back
here pretty mad," he said to his boss. "Should I give him his money back?"
"Money back?" roared the boss.
"What kind of salesman are you? Get out there and sell him a houseboat."
My Uncle Joe got fired from his
construction job. I asked him what happened.
"You know what a foreman is?" he
asked. "The one who stands around and watches the other men work."
"What's that got to do with it?"
I asked.
"Well, he just got jealous of
me," Uncle Joe explained. "Everyone thought I was the foreman."
In a long line of people waiting for a bank
teller, one guy suddenly started massaging the back of the person in front of him.
Surprised, the man in front turned and snarled, "Just what the hell you are
doing?"
"Well," said the guy, "You
see, I'm a chiropractor and I could see that you were tense, so I had to massage your
back. Sometimes I just can't help practicing my art!"
"That's the stupidest thing I've ever
heard!" the guy replied. "I work for the IRS. Do you see me screwing the guy in
front of me?"
A local florist just went out of business,
but it was his own fault. He kept getting his orders mixed up. One woman received flowers
sent by her husband, who was at a business meeting in Florida. She was perplexed by the
message on her card: "Our deepest sympathy."
But she was not nearly as surprised as the
woman whose husband had just passed away. Her card read, "Hotter here than I
expected. Too bad you didn't come too."
"Waiter!" shouted the furious
diner, "How dare you serve me this! There's a damn TWIG in my soup!"
"My apologies," said the waiter.
"I'll inform the branch manager."
What is the difference between Mechanical
Engineers and Civil Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.
How do you drive an engineer completely
insane?
Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him, and fold up a road map the wrong way.
Did you hear the one about the man who
opened a dry-cleaning business next door to the convent?
He knocked on the door and asked the Mother Superior if she had any dirty habits.
What does an accountant do for birth
control?
He talks about his business.
What's an extroverted accountant?
One who looks at your shoes while he's talking to you instead of his own.
What's an insolvency practitioner?
Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.
Why did the auditor cross the road?
Because he looked in the file and that's what they did last year.
What do accountants suffer from that
ordinary people don't?
Depreciation.
What does it mean when the Post Office
flies the American Flag half mast?
They're hiring!
What is the definition of an engineer?
Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had, in a way you don't understand.
When does a person decide to become an
engineer?
When he realizes he doesn't have the charisma to be an undertaker.
What do engineers use for birth control?
Their personalities.
How can you tell an extroverted engineer?
When he talks to you, he looks at your shoes instead of his own.
Why did the engineers cross the road?
Because they looked in the file and that's what they did last year.
What do you call an Amish guy with his hand
up a horses ass?
Mechanic.
Since her return to the UK, Louise Woodward
has secured herself a job at McDonalds. All children get a free shake!
Why did the furniture salesman take six
backless chairs to the doctor's office?
Because the doctor wanted to get a stool sample.
A woman walked up to the manager of a
department store. "Are you hiring any help?" she asked.
"No," he said. "We already
have all the staff we need."
"Then would you mind getting someone
to wait on me?" she asked.
A guy goes into a restaurant/lounge wearing
a shirt open at the collar and is met by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a necktie to
gain admission. So the guy goes out to his car and he looks around for a necktie and
discovers that he just doesn't have one. He sees a set of jumper cables in his trunk. In
desperation he ties these around his neck, manages to fashion a fairly acceptable looking
knot and lets the ends dangle free.
He goes back to the restaurant and the
bouncer carefully looks him over for a few minutes and then says, "Well, OK, I guess
you can come in - just don't start anything."
A woman walks into a drug store to buy
tampons. She notices a group of tampons stacked on a table in the corner with a sign on
them saying "5 boxes for a dollar." Well, the woman just could not believe this
price so she asks the clerk if it was correct.
He said, "Oh yes, 5 for a
dollar."
She said, "That can't be right !"
The clerk says, "Oh yes, it's right! 5
boxes for a dollar, no strings attached."
"Do you believe in life after
death?" the boss asked one of his employees.
"Yes, Sir," the new employee
replied.
"Well, then, that makes everything
just fine," the boss went on. "After you left early yesterday to go to your
grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you."
A chap went up to the counter in the
library and said, "Have you got any books about committing suicide?"
The librarian said, "Yes. Take a look
over there, somewhere on the middle shelf."
The chap came back a few moments later and
said, "I can't find any at all."
The librarian replied, "Yes, it's
awful. The swines never bring 'em back!"
ALWAYS GIVE 100% AT WORK:
12% Monday
23% Tuesday
40% Wednesday
20% Thursday
5% Friday
Two postal workers had just gotten off
their routes for the day when one of the postal workers saw the other step on a snail.
"Why did you step on that snail,
Tom?" asked his perplexed co-worker.
"Cause that darn snail's been
following me around work all day!"
A rather dense woman got a new job working
in a sperm bank. We ran into her about a week after she started her new job and asked her
what she did.
She said, "Well, I just sit in the
reception area and great all the men who come in. It's mainly men. Women never come in
there. And I act cordial. And I point out to the men where they should go. And when they
come out, I say, 'Thank you for coming.’"
A door-to-door vacuum salesman knocks, and
an old lady opens the door, and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside
and empties a bucket of horse poop over her hall carpet.
He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner
don't clean up every last speck of that, I'll eat it."
"Do you want a spoon?" she asks,
"We've only moved in this morning and the electricity's not on yet."
A secretary, out with appendicitis, was
being visited by a co-worker in the hospital. "How are things at the office going,
Claudia?" she asked.
"Well, they're all sharing your work.
Jody is making the coffee, Louise is reading all your magazines, and Sharon is making it
with the Boss."
While the US stock market is at an all time
high, the ups and downs frighten a lot of small investors like me. I went to my financial
adviser at the bank and ask if he were worried. He replied that he slept like a baby.
I was amazed and asked, "Really? Even
with all the fluctuations?"
He said, "Yes. I sleep for a couple of
hours, then wake up and cry for a couple of hours."
OFFICE PRAYER
"Grant me the serenity to accept the
things I cannot change. The courage to change the things I cannot accept, and the wisdom
to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today because they pissed me off and
also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today, as they may be connected to the
ass that I may have to kiss tomorrow."
Amen
A saleslady from a major condom company was
required to travel cross-country to meet a perspective buyer. Her boss asked her to take
about 100 condoms of various types with her.
As she was running late for her flight, she
simply stuffed them all into her briefcase. The cab ride to the airport was delayed by
traffic and she had just enough time to throw her ticket at the counter and run onto the
plane. As she jumped into the airplane, she dropped her briefcase and all the condoms flew
out all over the floor in front of all the passengers and crew. They all stared amazed at
the display and then looked to the woman who said sheepishly, "I'm meeting a new
client."
Some of the most tactful people on Earth
are English. One office supervisor called a secretary in to give her the bad news that she
was being fired. He started the conversation with: "Miss Symthe, I really don't know
how we're going to get along without you, but starting Monday, we're going to try.
I guess some things will never change. I
hired a temp while my secretary was on maternity leave. Trying to arrive at an agreeable
wage, I asked what she expected to earn.
She said, "Well... the minimum I could
work for is four hundred a week."
I told her I'd give her that much with
pleasure.
She shook her head and replied, "With
pleasure, it'll be $600 a week."
A man went to apply for a job. After
filling out all of his applications he waited anxiously for the outcome. The employer read
all his applications and said, "We have an opening for people like you."
"Oh, great," the man said,
"What is it?"
"It's called the door!"
The secretary came in late for work the
third day in a row. The boss called her into his office and said, "Now look Sharon, I
know we had a wild fling for a while, but that's over. I expect you to conduct yourself
like any other employee around here. Who told you you could come and go as you please
around here?"
Sharon simply smiled, lit up a cigarette,
and while exhaling said, "My lawyer."
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