LAW & ORDER
SHORT JOKES
One day there was a woman who lost her cat
named "LOVE." It was pretty dark outside and she lived in New York. So, thinking
that he might be down the street, she put on her house-coat and went looking for him.
When a police officer stopped to ask what
she was doing, she said very honestly, "I'm looking for LOVE."
The policeman arrested her on the spot.
The cops raided the local brothel and had
all the girls standing in line waiting to enter the paddy wagon.
A little old lady walked up and asked one
of the girls what the line was for. She indicated they were giving out lollipops. The
little old lady liked lollipops so she got in line too.
When she got up to the paddy wagon door, a
cop said, "Hey grandma, aren't you a little old to be doing this?"
She replied, "As long as they keep
making them, I'll keep sucking them."
The cop got out of his car and the kid,
that was stopped for speeding, rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all
day," the cop said.
The guy replied, "Yeah, well I got
here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he
sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
The Judge said to the defendant. "I
thought I told you I never wanted to see you in here again."
"Your Honor," the criminal said,
"that's what I tried to tell the police, but they wouldn't listen."
A truck driver was driving along on the
freeway. A sign comes up that reads "low bridge ahead." Before he knows it the
bridge is right a head of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for
miles.
Finally, a police car comes up. The cop
gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and
says, "Got stuck, huh?"
The truck driver says, "No, I was
delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."
All the toilet seats at the police station
were stolen. The thief is still at large. The police are having a time figuring it out,
and they have nothing to go on.
A hole has appeared in the ladies changing
rooms at the sports club. Police are looking into it.
A van-load of wigs were stolen yesterday.
Police are combing the area for clues.
How does the LAPD play poker?
Four clubs beat a king.
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car
speeding through an automated radar. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he
sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed
photo -- of handcuffs.
A young woman was pulled over for speeding.
As the motorcycle officer walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she
said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolmen's Ball."
He replied, "Highway patrolmen don't
have balls."
There was a moment of silence while she
smiled, and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back on his
motorcycle and left.
The cops raided the local brothel and had
all the girls standing in line waiting to enter the paddy wagon. A little old lady walked
up and asked one of the girls what the line was for. She indicated they were giving out
lollipops. The little old lady liked lollipops so she got in line too.
When she got up to the paddy wagon door, a
cop said, "Hey grandma, aren't you a little old to be doing this?"
She replied, "As long as they keep
making them, I'll keep sucking them."
A cop pulls a car over on the highway for
speeding. When he asks for the driver's license, the driver argued, "Speeding? But
officer, I was only trying to keep a safe distance between my car the the car behind
me."
Warning to shoplifters: Anyone caught
shoplifting will be beaten, gagged, whipped and tortured. Any survivors will be prosecuted
to the full extent of the law.
A jury commissioner received a reply in
response to a jury summons. It said: I would be most happy to serve, but first you will
have to make arrangements for my release from jail.
A policeman stops a lady and asks for her
license. He says, "Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses."
The woman answered, "Well, I have
contacts."
The policeman replied, "I don't care
who you know! You're getting a ticket!"
A man was caught for speeding and went
before the judge. The judge said, "What will you take....30 days or $30."
The man replied, "I think I'll take
the money."
A murderer, sitting in the electric chair,
was about to be executed. "Have you any last requests? asked the chaplain.
"Yes," replied the murderer.
"Will you hold my hand?"
Two men on death row were scheduled for
back to back executions. On the appointed day, the warden asked each if he had a last
request. "Yes, sir," the first man said. "I'd really like to hear some rap
music one last time."
"And you?" the warden asked the
other.
"Please," the second man pleaded,
"Kill me first!"
This hillbilly is traveling across Texas
when a state policeman pulls him over. "You got any I.D.?" the patrolman
asked."
"'Bout what?" the hillbilly
replied.
Two robbers were robbing a hotel. The first
one said, "I hear sirens. Jump!"
The second one said, "But we're on the
13th floor!"
The first one screamed back, "This is
no time to be superstitious."
A policeman spots a woman driving and
knitting at the same time. Driving up beside her, he shouts out the window... "Pull
over!"
"No," she shouts back, "a
pair of socks!"
After they had finished making love, the
cowboy was telling the lady who'd picked him up about his days on the range. "It's
the only life for me. In fact, I wanna die with my boots on."
As they both heard a car pull in the
driveway, she said, "Well...you better get 'em on Slick, that's the Sheriff, my
husband."
A man driving on the highway is pulled up
by a police officer on a bike. The officer says, "Pull over", and the driver
pulls over to the side of the road.
He says, "I'm sorry, officer, was I
speeding?".
The police officer says, "No, mate,
but your wife fell out of the car a mile back."
The man replies, "Oh, that explains
it. I thought I was going deaf."
"Mr. Quinn, I have reviewed this case
very carefully," the divorce court judge said, "and I've decided to give your
wife $775 a week."
"That's very fair, your honor,"
the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks
myself."
A policeman pulls a man over for speeding
and asks him to get out of the car. After looking the man over he says, "Sir, I
couldn't help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?"
The man gets really indignant and says,
"Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating
doughnuts?"
Police Chief: As a recruit, you'll be faced
with some difficult issues. What would you do if you had to arrest your mother?
New Recruit: Call for backup!
  
|
