LAYOFFS
To: All Employees
From: Human Resources
RE: Layoffs
As a result of the reduction of money for
department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel. Under this plan,
older employees will be asked to go on early retirement, thus permitting the retention of
the younger people who represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase out older
personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into
effect immediately.
This program will be known as SLAP (Sever
Late-Aged Personnel). Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for
jobs outside the company. SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment
records before actual retirement takes place.
This phase of the program is called SCREW
(Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers). All employees who have been SLAPPED or
SCREWED may file an appeal with the upper management.
This is called SHAFT (Study by Higher
Authority Following Termination). Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be
SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems
appropriate.
If an employee follows the above
procedures, he/she will be entitled to get HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's
Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment) unless he/she already has
AIDS (Additional Income From Dependents or Spouse). After getting HERPES or CLAP
employee's will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.
Management wishes to assure the younger
employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training
employees through our Special High Intensity Training (SHIT). This company takes pride in
the amount of SHIT our employees receive. We have given our employees more SHIT than any
company in this area.
If any employee feels they do not receive
enough SHIT on the job, see your immediate supervisor.
YOUR SUPERVISOR IS SPECIALLY TRAINED TO
MAKE SURE YOU RECEIVE ALL THE SHIT YOU CAN STAND.
H. R. Department
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