REALTOR
TERMS
When they say and what they really mean...
* SOPHISTICATED CITY LIVING - Next to a
noisy bar.
* OLD WORLD CHARM - Has some woodwork,
needs cleaning.
* CONTEMPORARY FEELING - Has no woodwork,
needs cleaning.
* CLOSE TO LAKES - Impossible to park from
April to October.
* WIDE OPEN FLOOR PLAN - Previous owner
removed supporting walls.
* SECURITY SYSTEM - Neighbor has a dog.
* NEEDS TLC - Major structural damage.
* UPDATED KITCHEN - Sink no longer
overflows.
* MOTIVATED SELLER - Has been on the market
for 14 years.
* CONVENIENT - Located on freeway entrance
ramp.
* MINT - Someone has spilled mouthwash on
the carpet.
* NEUTRAL DECOR - No murals of nudes, or
Elvis, but has brown walls.
* MOVE IN CONDITION - Front door missing.
* COZY - No room larger than 9 x 6.
* LOWER LEVEL FAMILY ROOM - Ping Pong table
over sewer opening.
* LIGHT OPEN SPACES - Many holes in walls
and ceiling.
* OUTSTANDING - Painted purple, sticks out
like a sore thumb.
* A WEALTH OF PERIOD FEATURES - Yourself,
dry rot, rising damp and an electrical circuit best operated in rubber gloves and wellies.
* BOX ROOM - Suitable for accommodating one
or two large cardboard boxes ... folded.
* BY PRIVATE TREATY - If it went to auction
it would never reach the reserve price.
* COMPACT - Tiny.
* COUNTRY GENTLEMAN'S RESIDENCE - No longer
suitable for agricultural tenants.
* DECEPTIVE APPEARANCE - It looks terrible.
* DELIGHTFUL RURAL LOCATION - In flight
path of nuclear bomber base.
* EASILY MAINTAINED - Requires at least two
gardeners and live-in maid.
* EXTENSIVELY MODERNIZED - Former DIY owner
had a breakdown under the strain.
* FOR THE GARDENING ENTHUSIAST - Grounds
like a jungle.
* LOCAL AUTHORITY GRANTS AVAILABLE - About
to be condemned.
* MUCH SOUGHT AFTER - It's been on the
market at least twice before and still no one wants it.
* OWNER EAGER TO SELL - If it goes within a
week the subsidence cracks won't be noticed.
* PARTIAL CENTRAL HEATING - The room above
the boiler can get warm in summer.
* PERIOD RESIDENCE - Built in the last two
years.
* QUIET, SECLUDED SETTING - On site of
proposed dormitory town.
* RARE OPPORTUNITY TO BUY - No one else
want's it.
* SELECT NEIGHBORHOOD - Beside sewage
works.
* SOLD - Unless idiots like you offer a
higher price.
* SUBJECT TO NEW INSTRUCTIONS - They have
just discovered death watch beetle.
* UNSPOILED - Planning permission granted
for field next door.
* UNUSUAL FEATURES - No roof.
* UNUSUAL LOCATION - In the path of a
projected motorway.
* USEFUL OUTBUILDINGS - No inside toilet.
* WELL SITUATED - In full view of the
neighbors.
* WITHIN EASY DISTANCE OF - Next door to a
pub and opposite a sex shop local amenities.
 
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