WAYS
TO ANNOY A YANKEE
* Take your own sweet time when doing
ANYTHING.
* Pronounce all one syllable words with
two.
* When giving directions, finish with
"it's right down yonder on the left."
* Talk REAL slow, and ask them to speak
more slowly so you can understand what they're saying.
* When they talk nostalgically about the
North, tell 'em "Delta's ready when you are!"
* Talk loudly and often about SEC football
or ACC basketball.
* Refer to every soft drink as a Coke.
* Always order sweet tea and/or grits. When
they don't have it, raise a ruckus.
* Offer to send 'em a bottle of fresh air.
* Insist on being addressed by your first
AND middle names. (e.g. Lisa Marie -- John Michael -- Jim Bob. . .)
* Frequently bring up "The War of
Northern Aggression" in conversation. If anyone ever says the words "Civil
War", always interject that "there was nothing civil about it."
* Address all males as "son" and
females as "little lady".
* Correct their pronunciation of certain
words. For example: It's "pee-can."
* Put Tabasco on everything.
* For New York Yankees: Act as if the whole
state of New York is New York City. In other words, if they say "Yo, I'm from upstate
New Yoik!" say , "Well I'll be, my wife has always wanted to see a Broadway
show!"
* When invited to dinner, offer to bring
dessert. Show up with a box of Moon Pies. . . banana ones.
* Name all of your children
"Bubba."
* Use the word "reckon" in a
sentence.
* "Mash" buttons. "Cut"
off lights. "Carry" the kids to school. "Fetch" something.
* Never simply "do" something. Be
"fixin to do" something.
* Tell them you don't have an accent, they
do.
* Be sure to include "yes/no
ma'am/sir" in all conversations..
* Only use landmarks and ramble on when
giving directions. "Now go down Jeff Davis Highway and turn left at where the Chevron
station used to be. I think they turned it into a Amoco. Or maybe a BP. Anyway, turn right
there. . ." "You said left." "Did I? Well, turn left there and follow
it until you see a big fish on your left. I remember when that fish used to be on the
other side of town.."
* Ask them if it's still snowing up North.
Then tell 'em you went driving around in your convertible this weekend.
* Call 'em a yankee. Works every time.
 
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