YOU MIGHT BE A
REDNECK IF...
* You have a complete set of salad bowls
and they all say Cool Whip on the side.
* The biggest city you've ever been to is
Walmart.
* Your working TV sits on top of your
non-working TV.
* You thought the Unibomber was a wrestler.
* You've ever used your ironing board as a
buffet table.
* You think a quarter horse is that ride in
front of K-Mart.
* Your neighbors think you're a detective
because a Deputy always brings you home.
* A tornado hits your neighborhood and does
a $100,000 dollars worth of improvement.
* You've ever used a toilet brush as a back
scratcher.
* You've ever asked the preacher,
"How's it hangin?"
* You missed 5th grade graduation because
you had jury duty.
* You think fast food is hitting a deer at
80mph.
* Somebody tells you that you've got
something in your teeth and you take them out to see what it is.
* Breakfast consists of boiled eggs, can of
Beenie Weenies, a couple saltine crackers and a 6 pack of Budweiser, because you like the
smell it creates after completing the digestive cycle.
* There are 13 dogs under the front porch
and you have papers for one.
* A museum curator tries to buy 7 of the
vehicles on blocks in your yard.
* Your Momma knows how to make Roadkill
stew.
* Your truck has more colors than Jeff
Gordons race car!
* You have ever been shot at by the law.
* You have ever been to drunk to walk, and
drove home.
* Your bathroom deodorizer is a box of
kitchen matches.
* You think genitalia is an Italian
airline.
* You let your twelve-year-old daughter
smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
* Last year you hid Easter eggs under cow
pies.
* You keep empty beer cans in your fridge
for your friends that don't drink.
* You think a woman who is "out of
your league" bowls on a different night.
* The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch
has more teeth than your wife.
* You think taking a bubble bath starts
with eating beans for dinner.
* You think icing is what you do to your
front steps before your mother in law comes over.
* You drink gas because you found out you
can run two and a half miles per hour faster.
* You buy your jewelry at the hardware
store.
* You wonder why there isn't a hairstyle
called "The Hat Line."
* You send a request to a major fragrance
designer to try to recreate the smell of a dead skunk.
* Your wife howls at the moon more than
your huntin' dogs.
* The same pair of boots have been in your
family for five generations and they're only twenty years old.
* You go swimming in the drainage ditch
behind your house.
* You think that Australia is ruled by the
south because their flags are similar.
* You think the Franklin Mint is a breath
freshener.
* Your only tie is made of leather, silver
and turquoise.
* You think doctorin' involves mamma's
sewing kit and a jug.
* You've ever taken reading material into
an airplane restroom.
* You've ever paid for a 6-pack of beer
with pennies.
* You have a Bud Light pool table light
hanging over your dining room table.
* The strongest smell in your house is
butane.
* Your dog passes gas and you claim it.
* You think paprika is a Third World
country.
* You ask the preacher, "How's it
hanging?"
* You refer to the time you won a free case
of oil as the "day my ship came in."
* None of your shirts cover your stomach.
* You think "loading the
dishwasher" means getting your wife drunk.
* Your wife has ever said, "Come move
this transmission so I can take a bath."
*Your wedding reception included a beer
brunch.
* Rather than drinking the sacramental wine
at church you "bring your own."
* You judge a trips' drive time solely by
the number of beers you need to take.
* Your home has more miles on it than your
car.
* You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper
high-quality entertainment.
* You think the stock market has a fence
around it.
* Your stereo speakers used to belong to
the Moonlight Drive-in Theater.
* You've ever lost a loved one to kudzu.
* You own a homemade fur coat.
* Chiggers are included on your list of top
5 hygiene concerns.
* You read the Auto Trader with a highlight
pen.
* The Salvation Army declines your
mattress.
* Your entire family has ever sat around
waiting for a call from the Governor to spare a loved one.
* Your grandmother has ever been asked to
leave the bingo hall because of her language.
* Your wife's job requires her to wear an
orange vest.
* You were shooting pool when any of your
kids were born.
* You have the local taxidermist's number
on speed dial.
* Your school fight song was "Dueling
Banjos."
* You think a chain saw is a musical
instrument.
* You've ever given rat traps as gifts.
* You clean your fingernails with a stick.
* Your coffee table used to be a cable
spool.
* You keep a can of RAID on the kitchen
table.
* Your wife can climb a tree faster than
your cat.
* Your mother has "ammo" on her
Christmas list.
* Every socket in your house breaks a fire
code.
* You've totaled every car you've ever
owned.
* There has ever been crime-scene tape on
your bathroom door.
* You've ever been kicked out of the zoo
for heckling the monkeys.
* The taillight covers of your car are made
of red tape.
* You think a subdivision is part of a math
problem.
* You've ever bathed with flea and tick
soap.
* You think "taking out the
trash" means taking your in-laws to a movie.
* You have every episode of Hee-Haw on
tape.
* You've ever been involved in a custody
fight over a hunting dog.
* Your kids take a siphon hose to
"Show and Tell."
* The dog catcher calls for a backup unit
when visiting your house.
* You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom
fixture.
* The gas pedal on your car is shaped like
a bare foot.
* You prefer car keys to Q-tips.
* You take a fishing pole into Sea World.
* You think a turtleneck is key ingredient
for soup.
* You've ever stood in line to have your
picture taken with a freak of nature.
* You think the French Riviera is foreign
car.
* Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
* You own more than three shirts with the
sleeves cut off.
* You've ever spray painted your
girlfriend's name on an overpass.
* Your pocket knife often doubles as a
toothpick.
* You own a denim leisure suit.
* Your dog has a litter of puppies on the
living room floor and nobody notices.
* The dog can't watch you eat without
gagging.
* You have a Hefty Bag for a passenger-side
window.
* You ever hit on somebody in a VD clinic.
* You bought a VCR because wrestling is on
while you're at work.
* Your father executes the "pull my
finger" trick during Christmas dinner.
* You cut your toenails in front of
company.
* You've ever heard a sheep bleat and had
romantic thoughts.
* You consider "Outdoor Life"
deep reading.
* You call your boss "dude."
* You have grease under your toenails.
* You've ever cleaned fish in your living
room.
* You think Campho-Phenique is a miracle
drug.
* The primary color of your car is
"bondo."
* You have refused to watch the Academy
Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.
* The rear tires on your car are at least
twice as wide as the front ones.
* The diploma hanging in your den contains
the words "Trucking Institute."
* Your mother keeps a spit cup on the
ironing board.
* You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
* You think that Dom Perignon is a mafia
leader.
* The most commonly heard phrase at your
family reunion is "What the hell are you looking at, Shithead?"
* You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies
are two of the major food groups.
* You think a Volvo is part of a woman's
anatomy.
* You think that the styrofoam cooler is
the greatest invention of all time.
* You've been too drunk to fish.
* You've had to remove a toothpick for
wedding pictures.
* You ever used a weedeater indoors.
* You have a rag for a gas cap (on a car
that does run).
* You look upon a family reunion as a
chance to meet "Ms. Right."
* You have to go outside to get something
out of the 'fridge.
* Your idea of a 7 course meal is a bucket
of KFC and a sixpack.
* Someone asks to see your ID and you show
them your belt buckle.
* You have lost at least one tooth opening
a beer bottle.
* Jack Daniel's makes your list of
"most admired people."
* You won't stop at a rest area if you have
an empty beer can in the car.
* Your wife has a beer belly and you find
it attractive.
* Your house doesn't have curtains, but
your truck does.
* You consider your license plate
personalized because your dad made it in prison.
* You have been fired from a construction
job because of your appearance.
* You need an estimate from your barber
before you get a haircut.
* You have flowers planted in a bathroom
appliance in your front yard.
* Your mother comes outta the bathroom and
says, "Y'all come look at this before I flush it!"
* You mow your lawn and find a car.
* If going to the bathroom in the middle of
the night involves putting on shoes (if you have them) a jacket and grabbing a flashlight.
* You go Christmas shopping for your mom,
sister, and girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift.
* You consider pork and beans to be a
gourmet food.
* You participate in the "who can spit
tobacco the farthest contest."
* You roll you hair with soup cans and wash
it once a year.
* You consider a three piece suit to be: a
pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear.
* The fifth grade is referred to as
"your senior year."
* When you leave your house, you are
followed by federal agents of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms, and the only
thing you worry about is if you can lose them or not.
* You have 5 cars that are immobile and a
house that is!
* Your gene pool doesn't have a "deep
end."
* Your huntin' dawg' cost more than the
truck you drive him around in.
* Your belt buckle weighs more than three
pounds.
* You think that safe sex is a padded
headboard on the waterbed.
* It's Easier to spray weed killer on your
lawn than mow it.
* You think that John Deere Green, Ford
Blue, and Primer Gray are the three primary colors.
* Your idea of talking during sex is
"Ain't no cars coming, baby!"
* The tobacco chewers in your family aren't
just the men.
* When you see a sign that says, "Say
No To Crack!" it reminds you to pull up your jeans.
* Your beer can collection is considered a
tourist attraction in your home town.
* The most serious loss from the earthquake
was your Conway Twitty record collection.
* You have spent more on your pickup truck
than on your education.
* You ever hit a deer with your car... on
purpose!
* You can tell your age by the number of
rings in the bathtub.
* Exxon and Conoco have offered you
royalties for your hair.
* You're a lite beer drinker, because you
start drinking when it gets light.
* In tough situations you ask yourself,
"What would Curly do?"
* Taking your wife on a cruise means
circling the Dairy Queen.
* You think the last words to the Star
Spangled Banner are "Gentlemen, start your engines" or "Play Ball..."
* Your child's first words are
"Attention K-Mart shoppers!"
* You can belch and say your name at the
same time.
* You sit up all night with a sick dog, but
make your wife stay up with a sick kid.
* You can fart the first six notes of the
Star Spangled Banner.
* You can talk for more than 20 minutes on
the difference between squirrel and rabbit stew.
* You have scars on the back of your hand
where Uncle Jeb stabbed you while you were reaching for the last piece of fried chicken.
* Your bike has a gun rack on it.
* The UFO hotline limits you to one call a
day.
* Your grandmother has ever stopped by the
side of a highway to take a leak.
* You ever had sex in a satellite dish.
* You hit a bump in the road and lose half
of your worldly possessions.
* You ever had to turn your pickup truck
around because of bridge clearance restrictions.
* Thanksgiving dinner was ruined because
you ran out of ketchup.
* After removing the empty beer cans from
your car, you find that it gets fifteen more miles to the gallon.
* You know which leaves make the best
substitute for toilet paper.
* Anyone in your family died right after
saying "Hey, Y'all watch this!"
* Your two year old has more teeth than you
do.
* You refer to the duct tape on your car as
"chrome."
* Your truck stalled on the expressway. And
you never went back for it.
* You wish your outhouse were as nice as
those at the state park.
* The family business needs a lookout.
* You've painted a car with house paint.
* You think the stock market is a place to
buy hogs.
* Your mama can back down a biker.
* You ever named a child after a dog.
* Your truck has a new sunroof because the
shotgun fell off the rack when you slammed the door.
* Your sister's education goal is to get
out of high school before she gets pregnant.
* You walk your dog and you both use the
same tree down on the corner.
* A family feud arises Sunday morning
between family members who want to watch Jimmy Swaggart and those who want to watch WWF.
* A fancy night out for your family is a
jaunt through the drive thru window at Hardee's.
* All of your four letter words are two
syllables.
* Birds are attracted to your beard.
* Dressing up is wearing the flannel shirt
without any rips in it.
* Fifth grade was the best six years of
your life.
* Hitchhikers won't get in the car with
you.
* Your idea of foreplay is, "Get in
the truck, bitch!"
* Motel 6 turns off the lights when they
see you coming.
* People hear your car a long time before
they see it.
* The cockroaches left you a note saying,
"Clean this place up!"
* Your girl wears a dress that is strapless
and a bra that is not.
* You have to wash your hands before going
to the bathroom.
* Your mom french kisses better than your
sister.
* On Sunday's people stop by to ask if
you're having a yard sale and you're not.
* When you take your trash to the dump and
you return home with more stuff than you left with.
* Your family tree doesn't fork.
* Your hairdo has ever been ruined by a
ceiling fan.
* Your mother has gotten into a fist fight
at a high school sports event.
* Your parakeet knows the phrase "Open
up, Police!"
* You ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
* You think the best way to keep things
cold is to leave 'em in the shade.
* The neighbors started a petition over
your Christmas lights.
* Your brother-in-law is your uncle.
* Your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro
from her lips before telling the State Trooper to kiss her ass.
* You think the play The King and I is
about Elvis.
* You ever listed fuzzy dice on an
insurance claim.
* Your trolling motor used to be a fan in a
barber shop.
* You list tick removal as a skill on your
resume.
* You use an ironing board as a knick-knack
shelf.
* You think the Battle of the Bulge is an
argument between your wife and your mother.
* You've ever driven around looking for
your porch roof after a bad storm.
* Your nicest towels say, "Property of
Motel 6."
* You get your daily requirement of fiber
from toothpicks.
* The photo on your driver's license
includes your dog.
 
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