REDNECK LETTERS
Dear Redneck Son,
I'm writing this letter slow because I know
you can't read fast.
We don't live where we did when you left
home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your
home, so we moved.
I won't be able to send you the address
because the last Alabama family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so
that they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is really nice. It even has a
washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well though. Last week I put a load in and
pulled the chain and haven't seen them since.
The weather isn't bad here. It only rained
twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.
About that coat you wanted me to send you,
your Uncle Stanley said it would be to heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so
we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
John locked his keys in the car yesterday.
We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.
Your sister had a baby this morning; but I
haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if your an aunt or an uncle. The baby
looks just like your brother....
Uncle Ted fell in a whiskey vat last week.
Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off playfully and drowned. We had him
cremated and he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in
a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your
other two friends were in back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.
There isn't much more news at this time.
Nothing much has happened.
Love, Mom
P.S. I was going to send you some money but
the envelope was already sealed.
Dear Son:
Your Paw has a job. It's the first one he
had in forty-eight years since we have been married. We are a little better off now,
because we have so much money now we don't know what to do with it. Paw gets $17.15 every
Thursday, so we thought we ought to do something about fixing up the house.
We sent to Sears & Roebuck for one of
those bathrooms you hear people having in houses. It took a plumber to put it in shape.
On one side of the bathroom is a great long
thing something like a pig trough, only you get in it and wash all over. Over on the other
side is a little white thing they call a sink where you wash your face and hands. But over
in the corner we really got something. This thing, you put one foot in, wash it clean,
then you pull the chain and get fresh water for the other foot.
Two lids come with the thing. We got no use
for them in the bathroom so I'm using one for the bread board. The other lid has a hole in
it so we use it for a frame for grandfather's picture.
Sears & Roebuck are real nice people to
deal with. They sent us a roll of paper with the outfit. We can't write on it very well,
so I'm using it to wrap Paw's lunch. Take care of yourself.
Maw
 
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