SHORT
RELIGIOUS JOKES
A minister who was very
fond of pure, hot horseradish always kept a bottle of it on his dining
room table. He offered some to a guest, who took a big spoonful.
When the guest finally
was able to speak, he gasped, "I've heard many ministers preach
hellfire, but you are the first one I've met who passed out a sample
of it."
A little boy came home
eating a big candy bar. His mother (remembering he had already spent
all his allowance) asked him where he got it.
"I bought it at the
store with the dollar you gave me," he said.
"But that dollar was
for Sunday School," his mother replied.
"I know, Mom,"
he said, "but the Pastor met me at the door and got me in for free!"
A minister was opening
his mail one morning. Drawing a single sheet of paper from an envelope
he found written on it only one word: "FOOL."
The next Sunday he announced,
"I have known many people who have written letters and forgot to
sign their name. But this week I received a letter from someone who
signed his name and had forgotten to write a letter."
"Now, how many of
you would like to go to heaven?" asked the Sunday school teacher.
All the eager three-year-olds raised their hands except Cassie.
"I'm sorry, I can't.
My Mommy told me to come right home after Sunday school."
A passenger jet was suffering
through a severe thunderstorm. As the passengers were being bounced
around by the turbulence a young woman turned to a minister sitting
next to her and with a nervous laugh asks, "Reverend, you're a
man of God, can't you do something about this storm?"
To which he replies, "Lady,
I'm in sales, not management."
The youth director had
been trying for months to get the little boy down the street to come
to church to be with his third grade Sunday school class. Finally after
talking to the boy and his mother for what seemed to be the hundredth
time the boy finally agreed to go this next Sunday, which he did and
seemed to enjoy all of the proceedings except as the baptismal service
began he ran out the back door and ran all the way home.
His mother asked him why
did he run home instead of riding with the youth minister.
The little boy answered,
"It's all a racket! They get you there and let you make all those
nice things and tell you great stories just to get you relaxed so they
can drown you at the end of one of the services!"
A young girl, dressed in
her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could to Sunday school.
As she ran, she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!
Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!" at which moment she tripped
on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress.
She got up, brushed herself
off, and started running again, praying, "Dear Lord, please don't
let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! But don't SHOVE
me."
"I hope you didn't
take it personally, Reverend," an embarrassed woman said after
a church service, "when my husband walked out during your sermon."
"I did find it rather
disconcerting," the preacher replied.
"It's not a reflection
on you, sir," insisted the church goer. "Ralph has been walking
in his sleep ever since he was a child."
Thanksgiving day was approaching
and the family had received a Thanksgiving card with a painting of a
pilgrim family on their way to church. Grandma showed the card to her
small grandchildren, observing: "The Pilgrim children liked to
go to church with their mothers and fathers."
"Oh yeah?" her
young grandson replied, "So why is their dad carrying that rifle?"
A Sunday school teacher
asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service,
"And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
One bright little girl
replied, "Because people are sleeping."
A man's son was about four
years old when one day he got home from Sunday School. When asked him
what he'd learned that day. The boy was quiet for a moment and then
said, "Dad, have any of the men in our family had their penises
criticized?"
The wife cracked up and
told him the term was "circumcised" -- but the answer was
still "yes."
There was this lady who
was visiting a church one Sunday. The sermon seemed to go on forever,
and many in the congregation fell asleep.
After the service, to be
social, she walked up to a very sleepy looking gentleman, extended her
hand in greeting, and said, "Hello, I'm Gladys Dunn."
And the gentleman replied,
"You're not the only one ma'am, I'm glad it's done too!"
An elderly woman had just
returned to her home from an evening of religious service when she was
startled by an intruder. As she caught the man in the act of robbing
her home of its valuables, she yelled, "Stop! Acts 2:38!"
(..turn from your sin...)
The burglar stopped dead
in his tracks. Then the woman calmly called the police and explained
what she had done.
As the officer cuffed the
man to take him in, he asked the burglar,"Why did you just stand
there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture at you."
"Scripture?"
replied the burglar, "She said she had an AX and two 38s!"
A mother was watching her
four-year-old child playing outside in a small plastic pool half filled
with water. He was happily walking back and forth across the pool, making
big splashes. Suddenly, he stopped, stepped out of the pool, and began
to scoop water out of the pool with a pail.
"Why are you pouring
the water out, Johnny?" the mother asked.
"'Cause my teacher
said Jesus walked on water, and this water won't work," the boy
replied.
A Sunday School teacher
began her lesson with a question. "Boys and girls, what do we know
about God?"
A hand shot up in the air.
"He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy.
"Really?! How do you
know?" the teacher asked.
"You know - 'Our Father,
who does art in Heaven. . ."
A little girl became restless
as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally she leaned over
to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now,
will he let us go?"
A Sunday School teacher
asked a little boy, "Bobby, do you believe in the devil?"
"No," said the
little boy. "He's just like Santa Claus. I think it's my daddy."
A boy was watching his
father, a pastor, write a sermon. "How do you know what to say?"
he asked.
"Why, God tells me."
"Oh, then why do you
keep crossing things out?"
A six year old boy was
overheard reciting the Lord's Prayer at church service: "And forgive
us our trash passes as we forgive those who passed trash against us."
After a church service
on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom,
I've decided to become a minister when I grow up."
"That's okay with
us, but what made you decide that?"
"Well, I'll have to
go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand
up and yell than to sit down and listen."
A Sunday School teacher
challenged her children to take some time on Sunday afternoon to write
a letter to God. They were to bring back their letter the following
Sunday. One little boy wrote, "Dear God, We had a good time at
church today. Wish you could have been there."
A minister was forced to
stop by a traffic cop to pull over for speeding. As the cop was about
to write the ticket, the minister said to him, "Blessed are the
merciful, for they shall obtain mercy."
The cop handed the minister
the ticket and said, "Go thou and sin no more."
A 4-year-old named Susan
was conducting the baptismal service. She held a cat over a barrel of
water. Trying to be as solemn as the pastor, she repeated the phrase
she had heard many times: "I baptize you in the name of the Father,
the Son, and in the hole you go!"
A minister gave a talk
to the Lion's Club on sex. When he got home he couldn't tell his wife
that he had spoken on sex, so he said he had discussed horseback riding
with the members.
A few days later, she ran
into some men at the shopping center and they complimented her on the
speech her husband had made.
She said, "Yes, I
heard. I was surprised about the subject matter, as he's only tried
it twice. The first time he got so sore he could hardly walk, and the
second time he fell off."
Dear God,
I think you'd be proud
of me! So far today I've done all right. I haven't gossiped, lusted,
lost my temper, haven't been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish or overindulgent.
I'm very thankful for that.
In a few minutes, though,
I'm going to get out of bed. From then on I'm probably going to need
a LOT of help.
Amen.
Discovering too late that
a watermelon spiked with vodka had accidentally been served to a luncheon
meeting of local ministers, the restaurant's owner waited nervously
for the clerics' reaction.
"Quick, man,"
he whispered to the waiter, "What did they say?"
"Nothing," replied
the waiter. "They were all too busy slipping the seeds into their
pockets."
Several years ago, the
Catholic Church required women to wear a head covering in order to enter
the sanctuary. One Sunday a lady arrived without her head covering.
The priest informs her that she cannot enter without it.
A few moments later, the
lady re-appears wearing her blouse tied to her head. The shocked priest
says, "Madam, I cannot allow you to enter this holy place without
your wearing a blouse."
"But Father, I have
a divine right," she informs.
"Yes, I see that....
and your left one isn't bad either, but you still must wear a blouse
to enter this church!" he insists.
The preacher came to call
on me the other day. He said that at my age I should be thinking about
the hereafter. I told him I do - all the time. No matter where I am
- in the parlor, upstairs in the kitchen, or down in the basement -
I ask myself, "Now, what am I here after?"
God: "Whew! I just
created a 24 hour period of alternating light and darkness of Earth."
Angel: "What are you going to do now?"
God: "Call it a day."
If someone accused you
of being a Christian, would there be enough evidence to prove it?
If absense makes the heart
grow fonder, some people must really love church.
My home church welcomes
all denominations, but mainly they prefer tens and twenties.
Who was the greatest financier
in the Bible?
Noah--he was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.
Who was the greatest female
financier in the Bible?
Pharaoh's daughter--she went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out
a little prophet.
What kind of man was Boaz
before he got married?
Ruth-less.
Who was the first drug
addict in the Bible?
Nebuchadnezzar--he was on grass for seven years.
What kind of motor vehicles
are in the Bible?
Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury.
David's Triumph was heard
throughout the land.
Honda... because the apostles were all in one Accord.
Who was the greatest comedian
in the Bible?
Samson--he brought the house down.
Where is the first baseball
game in the Bible?
In the big inning, Eve stole first, Adam stole second. Cain struck out
Abel, and the Prodigal Son came home. The Giants and the Angels were
rained out.
How did Adam and Eve feel
when expelled from the Garden of Eden?
They were really put out.
What is one of the first
things that Adam and Eve did after they were kicked out?
They really raised Cain.
The ark was built in 3
stories, and the top story had a window to let light in, but how did
they get light to the bottom 2 stories?
They used floodlights.
Who is the greatest babysitter
mentioned in the Bible?
David--he rocked Goliath to sleep.
Why was Goliath so surprised
when David hit him with a slingshot?
The thought had never entered his head before.
What do they call pastors
in Germany?
German Shepherds.
What is the best way to
get to Paradise?
Turn right and go straight.
Which servant of Jehovah
was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
Moses, because he broke all 10 commandments at once.
Which area of Palestine
was especially wealthy?
The area around the Jordan--the banks were always overflowing.
Where is the first tennis
match mentioned in the Bible?
When Joseph served in Pharaoh's court.
What is the first recorded
case of constipation in the Bible?
It's in Kings, where it says that David sat on the Throne for forty
years.
Which bible character had
no parents?
Joshua, son of Nun.
Why didn't Noah go fishing?
He only had two worms!
How do we know that they
played cards in the ark?
Because Noah sat on the deck.
A drunken man staggers
in to a Catholic church and sits down in a confession box and says nothing.
The bewildered priest coughs
to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing. The priest
then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man
to speak.
Finally, the drunk replies,
"No use knockin' man, there's no paper in this one either."
A missionary was walking
in Africa when he heard the ominous padding of a lion behind him. "Oh
Lord," prayed the missionary, "Grant in Thy goodness that
the lion walking behind me is a good Christian lion."
And then, in the silence
that followed, the missionary heard the lion praying too: "Oh Lord,"
he prayed, "We thank Thee for the food which we are about to receive."
What do a Christmas tree
and priest have in common?
Their balls are just for decoration.
What do you call a nun
after a sex-change operation?
A trans-sister.
Why don't Southern Baptists
ever have sex while standing up?
It could lead to dancing.
What did Jesus do when
he walked into the Holiday Inn?"
He threw some nails down on the counter and said, "Can you
put me up for the night?"
Jimmy Swaggart is coming
out with a new men's magazine, but he can't decide whether to call it
'Prayboy' or 'Repenthouse'.
A cardinal ran into the
Pope's office and said, "Your Holiness, Jesus just rode into
the Vatican on a donkey. What do we do?"
The Pope looked up from
his work and replied, "Look busy."
"Father Reilly,"
the mother superior reported, "I just thought you should
know that there's a case of syphilis in the convent."
"Oh, good,"
the priest replied. "I was really getting tired of the Chablis."
After the church service
a little boy told the pastor, "When I grow up, I'm going to give
you some money."
"Well, thank you,"
the pastor replied, "But why?"
"Because my daddy
says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had."
ZZZZZ
|
