SCORPIO: Scorpio
condoms outsell all others. That's probably because people try to impress each other with
their sexual prowess by pretending that they're a Scorpio. The truth is that no right
thinking Scorpio would get caught dead wearing a condom. But then death doesn't scare a
Scorpio. And a Scorpio doesn't get caught. Scorpio condoms come in two editions, basic
black and the stealthy invisible model. Both leather and studs are optional. Also, because
propriety concerns Scorpio, each package of Scorpio condoms comes with a pre-printed,
pre-coital agreement. Symbolized by the venomous Scorpion, when you really want to sting
your lover, you want a Scorpio condom.
SAGITTARIUS:
Sagittarians are known for their worldly pursuits, gamesmanship, cosmopolitan attitude and
knack for doing things in a big way. Sagittarian condoms are the sportier models. They
come equipped with travel cases. Sagittarian condoms are the ones that go with you and
grow with you. They promise a lot and they are extra thick to protect against fluids of a
dubious nature. The archer symbolizes Sagittarius. When you want to be on target with
Cupid's arrows, you want a Sagittarius condom.
CAPRICORN:
Capricorns are known for their longevity, wisdom, practicality, ambition and earthy
sensuality. Capricorns tend to be on the conservative side. Capricorn condoms are the most
durable, having the longest shelf life. Capricorn condoms are extra strong to last extra
long. With Capricorn condoms, wing tips, pin stripes and brief cases are optional. Be sure
to shake them out from time to time, otherwise they go stale. Capricorn is the sign of the
mountain goat. When you're horny enough to climb the mountains of love, you want a
Capricorn condom.
AQUARIUS: Aquarians
are gregarious, yet aloof. Aquarius is a high energy sign, and one that is usually
politically correct. Aquarian condoms are just a little bit kinky. They come colored hot
pink and electric blue, and they come with a battery pack to light up in the dark and
French ticklers for extra stimulation. With Aquarius condoms, the packaging features
political slogans such as the MiXXe Maxim, "Things can change overnight; it depends
upon how late you stay up and with whom doing what." Since Aquarius is a social sign,
Aquarian condoms come in multi-packs and are detachable to share with your friends.
Aquarius is the sign of the water bearer. When your love juices really get to flowing, you
want an Aquarius condom.
PISCES: Pisces is
known for their deep feelings that somewhat border on mysticism. Pisces are idealistic,
sometimes to the point of ecstatic bliss. Pisces condoms are truly extra sensitive and
translucent. Little spikes are optional on the inside. Pisces condoms contain special
instructions for erotic fantasy games. Pisces is the sign of the fishes. When it smells
like love and you're on a seafood diet, you want a Pisces condom.
ARIES: Aries is the
first sign of the zodiac. Aries are action oriented people. Aries is symbolized by the
ram, so naturally Aries condoms are made from the finest lambskin. Because Aries often
exhibits a "get up and go" attitude, Aries condoms are steel belted, feature
racing stripes, and every fully equipped sports car dispenses them. Onyx packaging is
optional for the black sheep. Aries prides themselves on being first and best. Aries
condoms are perfect for quickies. When you want what you want when you want it, you want
an Aries condom.
TAURUS: Taurus is
perhaps the most sensual and economy minded of the astrological signs. Taurus condoms are
made from the most luxurious materials with special models available in silk and velvet.
Taurus condoms give you quality at an affordable price, and they're frequently on sale.
Taurians may be slow to make their minds, but once they've made a decision, they're almost
impossible to stop. When your love is a sure thing, you want a Taurus condom. The bull
symbolizes Taurus. Taurus condoms are the ones you want when you're really horny.
GEMINI: Gemini's
are known for their versatility, intellect and communications skills. Accordingly, Gemini
condoms accommodate a variety sexual positions and combinations. Gemini condoms are
sold in multi-packs and come with a special audio chip. Naturally, they're available
through mail order. Frequently, Gemini condoms sell two for the price of one. They always
come in special pop up dispensers so that you don't have to work too hard. Gemini is the
sign of the twins and Gemini condoms come in twin packs and are the preferred model for
double headers. When you need to do it more than once, you need Gemini condoms.
CANCER: Cancer is a
water sign and as such is very much interested in safety and tradition. Therefore, Cancer
condoms are waterproof and heat treated for hot tubs and natural springs. Cancer condoms
make you feel secure. Cancer is also the sign of motherhood. With Cancer condoms, if you
decide to become a parent, you can always return the unused portion for a partial refund.
Cancer condoms are clingy. Never has history known a time when Cancer condoms were not
available. Fine antique specimens grace many collections. Astrologically speaking, Cancer
is associated with the breasts. The makers of Cancer condoms are happy to sponsor the
annual spring "Breast Worship Rituals." Cancer condoms are freely dispensed to
beautiful, large breasted women. Cancer is symbolized by the crab. When you're not getting
enough love and are starting to feel crabby, reach for a Cancer condom.
LEO: Leos are known
for their passion, pride, and (pro)creative urges. Leos tend to be a bit flashy, showy and
original in and out of bed. Leo condoms come in gold foil packaging with custom
monogramming. Leo condoms come in one size: extra, extra large. Leo is symbolized by the
lion. When you're ready to meet your mate and make wild jungle noises, you're ready for a
Leo condom.
VIRGO: Virgos are
fussy and particular. Virgo condoms feature perfection of fit and they keep you neat and
clean. Virgos tend to be environmentally sound consumer types. Naturally, Virgo condoms
have the lowest failure rate, the highest performance rating and come equipped with a
detailed, all purpose instruction manual. Virgo is symbolized by the virgin. When you're
ready for some ritualized defloweration activities, you're ready for a Virgo condom.
LIBRA: Libras are
suave and anxious to please others. Libra condoms are the fancy European models and come
in fashionable hand-painted designer packaging. Libra condoms make for an elegant
accessory on the best dates. Libra condoms are aesthetically pleasing to both partners.
They are reversible and can turn into a diaphragm thus sharing the responsibilities. Libra
is symbolized by the scales. When sex weighs heavily on your mind, you want a Libra
condom.
