SEX
LIMERICKS 2
Contravening the guidelines on health,
Butcher George likes exposing himself,
But he hides it away
In the sausage display
When young ladies come up to the shelf.
There was a young woman named Croft
Who played with herself in a loft,
Having reasoned that candles
Could never cause scandals,
Besides which they never went soft.
There was a young lady named Mandel
Who caused quite a neighborhood scandal
By coming out bare
On the main village square
And massaging herself with a candle.
A virgin with eyes that were blue,
Was told that it's sinful to screw.
So she rubbed on her clit,
But swore that she'd quit,
At least in the next year or two.
I know a young blonde lass called Flossy
Who some say is remarkably Saucy
Once, on meetin' John Wayne
Says she "Hey - I'm for layin'"
"How 'bout you - and the rest of your posse!"
There was a young man from Peru
Who fell asleep in his canoe
While dreaming of Venus
He whipped out his penis
And woke up with a handfull of goo!
There once was a man with a member,
That would only stand up in December,
He said, "It's too cold,
For a hard-on so bold,
I wish it would work in September!"
There was a young lady from China,
Who had an enormous vagina,
And when she was dead,
They painted it red,
And used it for docking a liner.
There was a young fellow named Biddle,
Was seldom hard up for a diddle,
For according to rumor,
His tool had a tumor,
And a fine row of warts down the middle.
His brother, a bastard named Ben,
Could rotate his pecker, and then
He would shoot through his rear,
Which made him the dear
Of the girls, and the envy of men.
His other young brother, named Saul,
Was able to bounce either ball,
He could stretch them and snap them,
And juggle and clap them,
Which earned him the plaudits of all.
They all had a friend, name of Lee,
Whose pecker hung down to his knee,
If he hadn't a' tied it,
The girls they'd all ride it,
And he never could use it to pee.
Said a swinging young lady named Lyth,
Whose virtue was largely a myth,
"Try as hard as I can,
I can't find a man,
That it's fun to be virtuous with."
An agreeable girl named Miss Doves,
Likes to jack off the young men she loves,
She will use her bare fist,
If the fellows insist,
But she really prefers to wear gloves.
A comely young widow named Ransom
Was ravished three times in a hansom:
When she cried out for more,
A voice from the floor
Cried: 'Lady, I'm Simpson, not Samson!'
There was a young man from Savannah,
Who met his end in a curious manner.
He whittled a hole
In a telephone pole
And electrified his banana.
A thrifty old man named McEwing
Inquired, "Why be bothered with screwing?
It's safer and cleaner
To finger your wiener,
And besides you can see what you're doing."
There was a young fellow named Skinner
Who took a young lady to dinner.
At a quarter to nine
They sat down to dine;
And at a quarter to ten it was in her.
There was a young lady of Clewer
Who was riding a bike, and it threw her.
A man saw her there
With her legs in the air,
And seized the occasion to screw her.
We all know that tampons are
spongy
And often times get rather grungy
But why they have strings
Among other things
Is so that the crabs can all bungee.
"You, choirboy!"
ordered the pastor
"Bend over the pew for your Master!"
He said with a moan
As he slipped him a bone.
"Now just wag your tail a bit faster!"
Goldilocks has lots of guys
Pinnochio's one, I'm advised!
She sits on the puppet
And sticks his nose right up it
And makes the poor fellow tell lies!
Said the Abbot, "I'm not pleased one
bit,
Brother Ambrose; that you should submit
Your signed IOU
In lieu of a ewe -
I just won't accept that sheep chit."
A hard-headed cabby named Peter
Was asked by a fare if he'd eat her.
He said, "It's not free.
I will only agree
To go down while I'm running the meter."
There was a young lady from china,
who had an enormous vagina.
and when she was dead
they painted it red
and used it for docking a liner.
There was a young gigolo named Bruno
Who said, "Screwing's one thing I do know.
While women are fine,
And sheep are divine,
Lama's are numero uno!"
There once was a barmaid named Gale
On whose breasts was the menu for ale
But since she was kind
For the sake of the blind
On her ass it was printed in Braille.
Once there was a man from Boston
Who took a ride in his Austin
He had room for his ass
a gallon of gas
but his balls hung out and he lost them.
There once was pervert named Manny
who stuck his long prick up his fanny.
Oh! What's this shouting about?
Seems he can't get it out.
He can't shit, he can't piss. It's uncanny!
Said a horny young girl from Milpitas,
"My favorite sport is coitus."
But a fullback from State
Made her period late,
And now she has athlete's fetus.
There once was a man from Peru
Who was desperately hanging out for a screw.
He picked up a moll
And rammed home his pole
Then said, "Jesus, that was Long overdue."
To Stan, Ginger whined and then sighed
Her vibrator battery died
She got off instead
With ten minutes of head,
Then she gave Stan's old willie a ride!
There was a bleached blond named Dolores
Who had an unusual clitoris
It's location remote
Was deep in her throat
Where she douched with a touch of Lavoris!
Ginger from County of Dade
Said, "I think it's time I got laid."
"My vibrator can tingle
But it's not cunnilingual"
And that's how orgasms are made."
Ginger was feeling quite gruff
Till he placed his head in her muff
Then she purred like a kitty
When his tongue hit her clitty
Saying, "I just can't get enough!"
I don't mean to tarnish your cheer
But old Santa Claus is a big queer!
He fondles the elves,
Who pleasure themselves
With a bugger up old Santa's rear!
Old Charlie, a jolly old bloke
Made love to a cow as a joke
He found pleasure divine
With this friendly bovine
Now they call him the old cowpoke!
There once was this girl from Sri Lanka,
A dusky-skinned maid named Bianca.
Each day she would sit
And play with her clit.
She was an incredible wanker!
There was a Young Man from Kent
Whose Rod was so long it bent.
So to save himself trouble
He bent it in double,
And instead of coming, he went!
There once was a young man named Gene
Who invented a screwing machine
Concave and convex
It served either sex
And it played with itself in between.
There was a young girl of Angina
Who stretched catgut across her vagina.
From the love-making frock
(With the proper sized cock)
Came Toccata and Fugue in D minor.
There was a young girl named Sapphire
Who succumbed to her lover's desire
She said: "It's a sin
But now that it's in
Could you shove it a few inches higher?"
There once was a man from Bandoo
Who fell asleep in a canoe
He dreamed of Venus
And played with his penis
And woke with a hand full of goo!
There once was a fellow named Perkin
Who always was jerkin' his gherkin
His mother said, "Perkin,
Stop jerkin' your gherkin -
Your gherkin's for ferkin' not jerkin'."
There once was a Queen of Bulgaria
Whose bush had grown hairier and hairier,
Till a Prince from Peru,
Who came for a screw,
Had to hunt for her twat with a terrier.
There was a young man from Cape Horn
who wished he had never been born
He wouldn’t have been
If his father had seen
That the end of his condom was torn!
There was a young lady named Claire
Who possessed a magnificent pair;
Or that's what I thought
'Til I saw one get caught
On a thorn, and begin to lose air.
There was a young maid from Madras
Who had a magnificent ass.
Not rounded and pink
As you probably think --
It was grey, had long ears, and ate grass!
There once was a mohel from Minsk
Who saved all his customers' skinsk
Tho they looked odd in a jar
He was kinder by far
Than his zeyde, who made from them, a blintzk.
There once was a Jew from Peru
who was vainly attempting to screw.
His wife screamed "oy vey,
if you keep up this way,
The Messiah will come before you."
Bigamy, they say, is a vice,
And more than one spouse is not nice,
But one is a bore,
I'd prefer three or four,
And the plural of spouse is spice?
There was a young plumber named Lee
Who plumbed his girl down by the sea;
Said the lady, "Stop plumbing!
I hear someone coming."
Said the plumber, still plumbing, "That's me."
There once was a man named McSweeny
Who spilled some gin on his weenie
Just to be Couth
He added some Vermouth
And slipped his chick a Martini!
While Titian was mixing rose madder,
his model was posed on a ladder.
Her position to Titian
suggested fruition.
So he mounted the ladder and had her.
An accident really uncanny,
Befell an unfortunate granny.
She sat down in a chair
While her false teeth were there,
And bit herself right in the fanny!
Hickory Dickory Dock
The tongue ran up the cock.
The man did smile.
It had been quite a while.
And his cock was as hard as a rock!
A bugger who buggered some sheep
Tried to bugger a ewe in her sleep.
She awoke with a start
And she ripped a great fart.
Now he's covered in shit three feet deep.
There was a man from Ka-bot
That lived on his boogers and snot
When he couldn't have these
He lived on the cheese,
That grew on his grungy old cock!
There once was a couple named Kelly
Who had to walk belly to belly
Because in their haste
They used wallpaper paste
Instead of petroleum jelly.
I heard that she would never say no
To oral sex. Just 10 bucks for a blow.
But when down on her knees
I said, "Oh baby please
Move up, you're too low, that's my toe!"
A pretty young maiden from France
Decided she'd "just take a chance."
She let herself go
For an hour or so
And now all her sisters are aunts.
There was a young man from St. Paul's
Who read Harper's Bazaar and McCall's
Till he grew such a passion
For feminine fashion
That he knitted a snood for his balls.
A mathematician named Hall
Has a hexahedronical ball,
And the cube of its weight
Times his pecker's, plus eight
Is his phone number -- give him a call..
A wanton young lady from Wimley
Reproached for not acting quite primly
Said, "Heavens above!
I know sex isn't love,
But it's such an entrancing facsimile."
The was a man named Sir Lancelot
Who went to parties and danced a lot
When making a pass
At a young pretty lass
The front of his pants would advance a lot!
A remarkable race are the Persians;
They have such peculiar diversions.
They make love the whole day
In the usual way
And save up the nights for perversions.
There was a young man from the Coast
Who had an affair with a ghost.
At the height of orgasm
Said the pallid phantasm,
"I think I can feel it---almost!"
Meat-rationing did not terrify Miss Davey,
She got married to a sailor in the Navy,
For she knew between his legs
He had ham and he had eggs,
A big weenie, and oodles of white gravy.
There was a young Scotchman named Jock
Who had a most horrible shock:
He once took a shit
In a leaf-covered pit,
And the crap sprung a trap on his cock.
 
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