SEX LIMERICKS 3
A virginal coed named Sherrie,
Awoke in the morning quite merry.
After cocktails last night,
To her utter delight,
She gave up her status as "cherry."
There was a young lady of Wheeling,
Who professed to a lack of sexual feeling.
But a cynic named Boris
Just touched her clitoris,
And she had to be scraped from the ceiling.
There was a young athlete named Grimmon
Who developed a new way of swimmin'.
By a marvelous trick
He would scull with his prick,
Which attracted loud cheers from the women.
There was a young man named McAmiter
Who had a tool of prodigious diameter.
What gave the girls surprise
Was not his size,
But his rhythm, iambic pentameter.
There was a young man of the land
Whose sex life had grown quite bland
He wanted a change
So the next time he came
He used his other hand.
She asked him "Please don't ever
quit,"
As he sucked on her supple left tit,
And with talented mouth,
He headed down south,
And finished her lickety split.
There was an old man from LaFarge
Whose balls grew exceedingly large
But his tee-tiny scrotum
Just couldn't quite tote 'em
Now he sails them around on a barge.
There was a young lady from Exeter
So pretty the men strained their necks at her
But one was so brave
To pull out and wave
The distinguishing mark of his sex at her.
A woman he tried not to covet,
Was horny and knew she would love it,
So taking a chance,
She wrote on her pants,
"Pull down here and you'll see where to shove it!"
There once was a man from Van Isle
Who said jogging just wasn't his style.
"I'll get my workouts," he said,
"At home, in my bed,
'Cause a Miss is as good as a mile!"
The last time I dined with the King
He did quite a curious thing.
He sat on a stool
And took out his tool
And said, "If I play will you sing?"
A certain sweet girl from Key West
Was uncommonly large in the chest.
Any man's close attention
To her outside dimension
Brought his own measurement to its best.
An indiscrete deacon named Fred,
Coaxed the minister's wife into bed.
She seductively posed,
With her blessings exposed,
Thank God for this heavenly spread.
There once was a grown man named Roy,
Who as a young innocent boy,
Discovered his peter,
And thought it much neater,
Than books or a game or a toy.
There once was a young masturbator,
Who bought an electric vibrator.
She lost it inside,
But the reason she died,
Was its faulty speed regulator.
There once was a woman named Nancy,
Who waltzed with a man they called Clancey.
Soon after the dance,
He pulled down her silk pants,
Proceeding to tickle her fancy.
There once was a young man named Jack,
Who loved jumping into the sack.
For there was his wife,
The love of his life,
Aroused, with legs spread, on her back.
Grandpa's dick is undoubtedly fickle,
Like a typical shriveled old pickle,
For whenever he
Feels that urge to pee,
The most that comes out is a trickle.
There once was an old man named Fletcher,
Well known as a terrible lecher.
A kiss he would steal,
And he'd cop a good feel,
From a woman if he could just catch her.
I wonder what Christmas will be,
No merriment, good cheer or glee.
Now that Santa's arrested,
Because someone protested,
That he laid some doll under their tree.
A foreman who's known to be rude,
Said something a worker thought lewd.
Though red in the face,
She's got a court case,
So it's his ass that's going to be screwed.
There was an old count of Swoboda
Who would not pay a whore what he owed her.
So, with great savoir-faire,
She stood on a chair
And pissed in his whiskey-and-soda.
I have a strange story to tell,
Of a woman who casts a mean spell.
Though men would undress her,
Not one could possess her,
And the last man to screw her's not well.
She had sat in a pretty green patch,
But now found herself having to scratch.
Poison ivy she's got,
And she's itching a lot,
Right down there and real close to her snatch.
There was a young fellow named Fritz
Who planted an acre of tits.
They came up in the fall,
Pink nipples and all,
And he chewed them all up into bits.
There was a young lady of Worcester
Who dreamt that a rooster seduced her.
She woke with a scream,
But 'twas only a dream
A lump in the mattress had goosed her.
There once was a man from Cheyenne
Of women, he was a fan
But they thought "Damn he's fat!"
"I'm not touching that!"
So he had to rely on his hand.
A strange young fellow from Leeds
Rashly swallowed a package of seeds.
Great tufts of fine grass
Sprouted out of his ass
And his balls were covered with weeds.
There once was a girl from Mitchen
Who was scratching her twat in the kitchen.
Her mother said, "Rose,
you've got crabs I suppose."
She said, "Yes and those fuckers are 'itchin!"
There once was a girl from Decatur
Who got laid by a big alligator.
Now, nobody knew
The result of that screw,
Because after he laid her, he ate her.
There was a young sailor from Brighton,
Who said "Shit! Your hole is a tight one!"
Said the girl, "Shut your face!
"You're in the wrong place!
"There's plenty of room in the right one!"
The nipples of Sarah Strong,
When excited, are twelve inches long.
This embarrassed her lover
Who was pained to discover
She expected no less of his dong.
There once was a man from Berlin
Whose pecker hung down to his shin.
When a lady named Gert
Started lifting her skirt,
His prick rose with a thump to his chin.
There was a young man from the Clyde
Who fell down a sewer and died
Next day his brother,
Fell down another
And now they're interred side by side.
In convertibles she was quite brash,
When she put her feet up on the dash.
A trucker drove by,
Her bare crotch caught his eye,
And four people were injured in the crash.
Nick the prick had a forty foot dick,
He showed it to the lady next door.
She thought it was a snake,
And hit it with a rake,
And now it's only four foot four.
On the internet they found romance,
That put both in a hot sexual trance,
But each had a gripe,
About having to type,
With their hand stuck down into their pants.
There was a young fellow named Goody.
Who claimed that he wouldn't, but would he?
If he found himself nude,
With a gal in the mood,
The question's not would he, but could he?
There once was a girl of Siam
Who said to her lover, young Kiam,
"If you take me, of course,
You must do it by force
But, thank God, you're stronger than I am."
There once was a man from Tahiti
Who went for a swim with his sweetie,
But as he pursued her
A big barracuda
Made off with his masculinity!
There was a young man of Australia
Who painted his ass like a dahlia.
The drawing was fine,
The color divine,
The scent--ah, that was a failure.
With a blowtorch he set out to melt,
His loved one's iron chastity belt.
What dampened his yearning,
Was pubic hair burning,
And he lost the desire he felt.
There once was a gay opera singer,
Whose dick was a wondrous humdinger.
When he'd sing a song,
His dong sang along,
And his balls would clang like a bell ringer.
His dick lay in peaceful quiescence,
He longed though for youthful tumescence.
An electric connection,
Sparked a brilliant erection,
That shines with an awesome florescence!
Breathed a tender young man from Australia
My darling, please let me unveilia,
And then, of, my own,
If you'll kindly lie prone,
I'll endeavor, my sweet, to impalia.
There was a young woman named Jeannie
Who sobbed to her date, "You're a meanie!
You claim you're a stud
But, oh, what a dud!
Your prick is a real teeny-weeny."
"It's my code," says a mailman
named Drew,
"To unzip, then deliver a screw.
If virgins, when nervous,
Resist postal service,
I explain that the male must get through."
There once was a girl from New Haven
Whose pubic hair was not shaven.
But missing because
She slept without drawers
Within range of a nest building raven.
There once was a boy dressed in blue,
Out looking for someone to screw.
But a lady in red
Gave him such good head,
That he came so unscrewed that he's through.
There was a young girl named Sapphire
Who succumbed to her lover's desire.
She said, "It's a sin,
But now that it's in,
Could you shove it a few inches higher?"
There once was an army recruit,
Whose dick could stand up and salute.
But a gay army sarge,
Gave him a discharge,
So don't ask, don't tell and don't shoot.
The once was a man from Hong Kong,
Who tied a large rock to his dong.
In the East he gained fame,
And all knew him by name,
This man they called Hee Hung So Long.
His dick is most surely a dilly,
A grand and marvelous Willie.
His gal loves to give head,
But most often instead,
He ends by just screwing her silly.
There once was a monk in Siberia
Whose existence got steadily drearier.
He did to a nun
What he shouldn't have done
And made her a mother superior!
"When I see a monk's ass I just grab
it,"
said the lazily amorous abbot.
"Although it's more fun
To have sex with a nun,
It's so hard to get into the habit!"
There was a young lady whose thighs
Were unique as to colour and size
When she opened them wide
With the rainbow they'd collide
And fill all the young men with sighs!
In convertibles she was quite brash,
When she put her feet up on the dash.
A trucker drove by,
Her bare crotch caught his eye,
And four people were killed in the crash.
There once was a coed named Mary
Whose box was unusually hairy.
When she opened her thighs,
There in front of your eyes,
Was a patch that's both dark and real scary!
I once knew a girl from Calais
who thought she was terminally gay
'till she sat on a cock
that was hard a as a rock
now she'll go either way!
- Written by Kevin M.
Said a horny young girl from Milpitas,
"My favorite sport is coitus."
But a fullback from State
Made her period late,
And now she has athlete's fetus!
A farmer I know named O'Doole
Has a long and incredible tool.
He can use it to plow,
Or to diddle a cow,
Or just as a cue stick for pool.
There was a young man named Crockett
Whose balls got caught in a socket.
His wife was a bitch,
And she threw the switch,
As Crockett went off like a rocket.
Said a swinging young chick named Lyth
Whose virtue was largely a myth,
"Try as hard as I can,
I can't find a man
That it's fun to be virtuous with."
I once met a lassie named Ruth
In a long distance telephone booth.
Now I know the perfection
Of an ideal connection
Even if somewhat uncouth.
There was a young lady from Maine
Who claimed she had men on her brain.
But you knew from the view,
As her abdomen grew,
It was not on her brain that he'd lain!
A worried young man from Stamboul
Founds lots of red spots on his tool.
Said the doctor, a cynic,
"Get out of my clinic;
Just wipe off the lipstick, you fool!"
A lissome psychotic named Jane
Once kissed every man on a train;
Said she, "Please don't panic!
I'm just nymphomanic.
It wouldn't be fun if I were sane."
Said a pretty young whore from Hong Kong
To a long pronged patron named Wong,
"They say my vagina's
The nicest in China;
Don't ruin it by doing it wrong."
 
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