WHAT
YOU MAY AND MAY NOT WEAR TO THE POOL
A few rules for what men
can and cannot wear at a private pool.
1) Speedos. Speedos cannot be worn by men
under the following conditions:
1A) If when you look down, you can't see
the color of your Speedo, you probably should not be wearing one. No matter how manly your
chest may be, if your belly exceeds your chest, it is not arousing to women to see your
skimpy bathing suit.
1B) If your belly hangs down over the top
of the Speedo, you should not be wearing one. No, women are not impressed that you can do
finger acrobatics tying up your Speedo with only one hand, as the other hand is being used
to lift up the fold of skin of your belly hanging mercilessly down over the top of your
Speedo.
1C) If you have one of those penises that
kind of stick straight out as opposed to hang down, you should not be wearing one. No,
women do not get turned on by 1and a 1/2 inches of pure male passion raging from your
loins.
1D) If you have a butt that is larger than
most lawn chairs, skip the Speedo.
1F) If you are the type of guy who gets
aroused when you see a woman in less than an overcoat and/or if there is a gentle breeze,
you should not be wearing one. Teepees are for Indian reservations and not for the pool
thankyouverymuch.
2) If you cannot wear a Speedo, and are
wearing short type bathing suits, please for the sake of all humankind, wear one with an
inner shell. There is nothing sexier than seeing your boys hanging down as you sit in that
position that only a man can do so gracelessly, but it is impolite to be the cause of so
many women getting so horny at midday, so keep your boys hidden.
3) No thongs under any circumstances.
4) If you wear sandals, do not wear white
knee socks.
A few rules for what women
can and cannot wear at a private pool.
1) Thongs are encouraged... however only if
certain conditions are met.
1A) There must be a direct correlation to
the amount of total square inches of skin, to the total amount of square inches of bathing
suit. In other words, if you are any larger than a mini van, a string bikini should be
frowned upon.
1B) Thongs or ass floss as they have been
come to be known in pool and beach circles, should be worn as long as there is not more
cellulite on your buttocks than in one of Mel Gibson's Epic type movies.
2) Women with near perfect figures, cannot
wear one piece bathing suits... plain and simple. Damn, I know it's a sexist world, but
it's the world that we live in.
3) Curlers are strictly verboten.
 
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