THE
17 WAYS WOMEN FAIL IN BED
1. MILKING IT:
When stroking a guy's dick don't grab it like a bus rail and start jerking it like
you were milking a cow. Don't use the love sword as if it's a piece of gym equipment to
strengthen the forearms. The male organ is a thing of wonder and beauty, and should be
awed, worshipped and held tenderly at all times. The sensitive part is at the top (where
your face should be), not two-thirds of the way down.
2. ROBOTS:
When sucking a guy's dick don't just get on the end of the thing and jam your head back
and forward. It's a beautiful instrument; it should be caressed, inspected, kissed and
licked from every possible angle.
3. SILENT FRIGHT:
If you've come and cannot be coerced to scream to show your appreciation, at least
make some sort of sign to inform the guy that he's done his duty and can blow his biscuits
whenever he wants.
4. NO LAUGHING MATTER:
Don't laugh if your creative male lover gets carried away and says things like,
"I want to rinse your mouth with my fresh, white love potion." Laughter at any
aspect of the male performance will not enhance it. Just be grateful you've got a guy who
can speak in whole sentences.
5. CLOSING UP:
If a man is willing to take the trouble to come on your face, don't close your eyes. He
wants you to share this ecstatic moment of joyful union and love with him. Semen is not
likely to cause permanent blindness in most cases - but this is a risk you should be
prepared to take for his happiness.
6. POOR PRESENTATION:
Presentation is all important. Don't wait to be asked to get it doggy-style. Roll
over and present. You know you love it.
7. HANGING AROUND:
When he is done, you should not kiss and cuddle, he does not want to touch you. You
should leave the bed and leave him in peace. If you are a one-night stand you should leave
the premises with out thieving anything or asking for a phone number. His work is done.
8. BEING SHY:
Always offer the Hershey Highway. You know you love It. If you don't like it that much,
still offer it as you can quite easily play with yourself as he rams away.
9. BEING A DRIP:
You always have tissues in your bag, use them to clean his sheets and any ball bag
drippage if you have misbehaved and not swallowed everything.
10. CLOCK-WATCHING:
Never, ever, ever, ever even think of saying: "Are you going to come
soon." If you're doing a blowie, you'd have to take your mouth off to utter the
question. If you're giving a hand-job, you should have gone to the gym to work your
biceps. If he's shagging you and takes more than 10 minutes you should be grateful. This
is not a time trial but a blissful act of union between two sexually aware and gifted
human beings.
11. FISHING FOR COMPLIMENTS:
Don't ask him if you're the best lover he's ever had most men have had so many
sexual partners that it is unlikely that you are. Please don't ask a man to lie about such
an important thing.
12. PLAYING DEAD:
Don't just lie there, do something. Good sex is not a spectator sport and it helps
if both parties move around a bit. I know you expect the men to do all the hard and
skillful work. We don't mind that and we're blessed with the equipment and know-how to do
it but at least put some effort into the act to show your appreciation.
13. BEING POSSESSIVE:
If you are lucky to have an imaginative lover who can satisfy two women at a time
don't sneer at or reject his exciting suggestion that one of your friends joins you to
make up a threesome. If he's a real man he's probably shagging her anyway. Plus you might
learn something from her to keep your man really happy.
14. NOT KEEPING YOUR HAIR ON:
Don't shave all your pubic hair off. It makes your snatch look like a piece of
poultry past its sell-by date. At best, it looks like the snatch of a ten-year-old. If you
want to trim, go for a nice sexy racing stripe in the manner favored by the Playboy models
that your man would rather be shagging.
15. SPITTING IT OUT:
When a man has gone to so much trouble to ejaculate and get his aim right into your
mouth, it is rude to spit it out without savoring taste and gluey texture. You should play
with semen like a block of Hubba Bubba, blowing bubbles, chewing and throwing from side to
side. A line like "I love it when you come in my mouth" makes for a happy finale
to fun and games.
16. BEING UNGRATEFUL:
Never forget to thank a man for all the effort and energy he has expended on making
love to you - especially if a)sex has lasted more than five minutes and/or b)you managed
to achieve an orgasm. A man's role in sex is far more demanding than a woman's so it is
always nice when one's prowess is appreciated.
17. SEEKING FAVORS:
Never contemplate taking advantage of your man's warm after-sex glow to seek favors
or make requests. As he drops off into well-deserved slumber, resist the urge to ask,
"Do you think I should buy that dress, skirt, sofa, Mercedes, country cottage?"
There is a name for the practice of mixing sex with material gain - prostitution.
 
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