SPENDING
YOUR LIFE SINGLE
PART I
13) Although you know the batting average
of every New York Yankee, you can't remember your girlfriend's dress size or the color of
her eyes... or her name.
12) Let's put it this way: In the "Mr.
Hairy Back" pageant, you wouldn't have to settle for the congeniality award.
11) The makers of "Frozen Meals For
One" made you their "Customer of the Year" -- again.
10) In your world, nothing says "I
love you" like a head butt.
9) You suggest the topic "Top Signs
You're Going to Spend the Rest of Your Life Single," mistakenly thinking that your
equally-hopeless fellow contributors might give you some clue as to what you're doing
wrong.
8) The 6-inch pumps and leather mini may be
a bit too risqué to wear on first dates, mister.
7) Larry Flynt sends you a letter asking
you to put the magazine down, go outside, and get some fresh air.
6) Back in high school you were voted
"Most likely to die alone, in a big-empty house."
5) Klingon, unfortunately, is not a very
romantic language.
4) You'll master the art of meeting women
as soon as they make a PlayStation game about it.
3) None of your 23 cats *ever* likes your
boyfriend.
2) Your version of foreplay: Drop the
remote, brush the Cheetos out of your chest hair, and belch "Come to papa!"
1) Who has time for dating when you're
building a life-size Spock out of Legos?
PART II
13) The last time *you* got a piece of ass
was due to some sub-standard toilet paper.
12) Instead of "Occupant", your
junk mail is addressed to "Loser."
11) It may be an attention-getter, but no
guy wants a girlfriend who looks exactly like Dustin Hoffman.
10) Snatching a grape off a block of ice
with your buttcheeks may have had the whole frat house laughing back in college, but it
doesn't seem to be much of a hit with your date here at Starbucks.
9) You're ALREADY in line for "Star
Wars Episode 1: The Phantom Menace."
8) Your HMO has ruled your vasectomy falls
under the category of "unnecessary surgery."
7) Three words: rm weiner tattoo
6) Numbers 12 through 9 on this list made
you sigh, number 8 made your eye twitch, and by now you're bawling like crazy.
5) You know that 1% of men for whom Viagra
*doesn't* work? Bingo.
4) Nights are so lonely that you watch
"Nightline" in hopes of catching a wisp of Madeline Albright's thigh.
3) Even after years of therapy, you still
wear your "cheese pants" because "chicks dig 'em."
2) No woman can ever seem to make you feel
as *alive* as you felt at the TrekMania '74 convention.
1) Once you've had the President, no other
man will do.
This list copyright 1999 by
Chris White
The Top 5 List top5@gmbweb.com
http://www.topfive.com
 
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