YOU
MIGHT ENJOY WRESTLING TOO MUCH IF...
* When you go to a Japanese restaurant, you
start a "USA! USA!" chant.
* When you girlfriend dumps you, you tell
her she couldn't "play with the big boys," and that she will never get past
mid-card status.
* When you search and search the bible for
the book of Austin.
* If you can actually remember Sting's last
public words.
* If on a job application, you state your
residence as "parts unknown."
* If you quit your Job because you have to
find your "Smile."
* When you're getting beat up in a bar
fight, but you honestly believe that with a little crowd support, you can turn this thing
around.
* If you hit your co-worker in head with a
chair while your manager is distracting him.
* When you look for Sting on the back of
the milk carton during breakfast.
* When a guy steals your girl, you consider
it an angle.
* When you rack your neighbor's dog.
* When you attend a graduation, and yell
"Ooooooh yeah!" when 'Pomp and Circumstance' plays.
* When you are involved in a bar fight with
a guy twice your size and you think your best line of attack is putting the Tongan death
grip on him.
* When you put up your wife or girlfriend
up in a card game for 30 days if you lose.
* When you go to a dance and start dancing
like Alex Wright.
* You watch car racing in order to see Bob
"sparkplug" Holly
* When you wear your Macho Man foam hat out
in public.
* When you win an award and immediately
spray paint "nWo" on it.
* When you rate women on a scale of Chyna
to Sunny.
* When you begin to shake someone's hand in
public but then hesitate to look for the crowd's response.
* When you get into a real fight and you
blade.
* When you do heel turns on your best
friends for no reason.
* If whenever you walk into a party you
tell them to "cut the music."
* When anytime anybody asks you a question,
you "grab the mike" and yell, "MEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAN
GEEEEEEEEEEEEEENEE!"
* When you die you mustache blond while
leaving your beard black.
* If you keep waiting for run-ins during
boxing matches.
* After an argument with a friend, you
shake hands, hug each other and then after you raise both yours and your friend's arms in
the air, as he looks to the side, you clothesline him.
* If you think John the Baptist Bladed.
* If you wonder why Bob Backlund's campaign
for the presidency never got any press.
* If you carry a foreign object in your
underwear.
* When you go into work you insult everyone
you see just to draw heat.
* If you're a Honky Tonk Man impersonator
instead of an Elvis impersonator.
* If you wore spiked shoulder pads during a
football game.
* If you loose a job, you change your look
and name before starting a new one.
* If you find out that you have been fired
by calling up the company's hotline.
* If you purposely blade yourself while
shaving.
* If you suspect your best friend is just
setting you up for a heel turn.
* When before a fight, you give away a pair
of sunglasses to a kid.
* When you go to a funeral and assume that
the deceased just lost a Casket Match.
* When your king-size bed has ropes and
turnbuckles surrounding it.
* If you paint your face and don't speak to
your co-workers
* When you go to your daughter's softball
game and start a "we want blood" chant.
* If you get into an argument with a friend
at work and challenge him to a loser must retire match.
* When you see a fight in the streets and
call the moves.
* If at a ceremony at your work to give out
awards to the employee of the year, you "turn" and slam a chair across the
recipient of the award's head...then you immediately grab the mic and start talking about
how YOU deserved the award.
* If you refer to all the women in your
work area your valets.
* When you keep flour in your underpants
(just in case).
* If you refer to The New York Times and
The Wall Street Journal as rag sheets.
* If you wondered why Vince didn't borrow
money from Ted DiBiase to prevent WCW from "buying" it's wrestlers.
* You start every sentence with the words
"Well, ya know, Mean Gene..." or "Let me tell ya something..."
* You refer to everyone you talk to as
"brother."
* Every time you see someone yawning, you
get an uncontrollable urge to thrust your fingers down their throat and screech
uncontrollably.
* Your children are named Crippler, Hitman,
and Hollywood.
* You get hoarse on purpose so you can
sound like the Macho Man.
* You hold a wrestling tournament for an
aluminum foil belt.
* You constantly play really bad air guitar
on your foil belt that you cheated to win.
* On Halloween, you pull a Jericho and
steal all the trick-or-treaters' masks and then claim them as "prizes."
* You get kicked off the school wrestling
team for chokeslamming your opponent.
* You cried when the Giant went nWo.
* You took bagpipe lessons just so you
could play Roddy Piper's theme music.
* You get in fights with people who say
wrestling is fake.
* You fenced in your bed, so it feels like
being in a steel cage.
* You throw your VCR away when you can't
find Rick Steiner on your copy of "Gremlins."
* Your best friend is a microphone.
* After your parents ground you for a week,
you refer to them as "heels."
* You try to write to the admissions office
at S.C.U.
* You dress your dog up as a
"Hulkamaniac."
* You use the phrase "Too Sweet"
more than 45 times daily.
* You try to impress your friends by
telling them Bobby Heenan jokes.
* You honestly believe that "TBS"
stands for "The Brain Station."
* You think "No Holds Barred"
should win an Oscar.
* Your greatest accomplishment in life is
mastering the sleeper hold.
* You roped in your backyard and you get
together with friends to throw chairs around.
* You requested "3:16" as your
new license plate.
* You think a tilt-a-whirl looks fun.
* You think that The Giant is a
"sissy."
* You put white-out on the faces of your
action figures, and then draw black marks on their faces.
* You give crotch chops to the opposing
team during a softball game.
* You feel sorry for jobbers.
* You light your bed on fire and fight your
brother in it.
* Your teacher gives you detention, you
give them a Stone Cold Stunner and walk out of class, flashing your middle fingers.
* You leapfrog over people while playing
football, then you turn around and clothesline them.
* You publish a shirt that say's, "Jay
Leno 1-0 Who's Next?"
* Every time you sit down at a table you
consider how easily it might break if you were to moonsault it.
* You constantly deny that Brian
Christopher is your son.
* After you beat someone up, you spray
paint their back.
* You chokeslam your cat.
* You elbow smash your dog and turn him/her
over for the three count.
* Instead of reading a bedtime story to
your kids, you put them in a sleeper.
* When you put your kids to bed, you tell
them to "Rest In Peace."
* You get fired from work then show up the
next day wearing a mask.
* Instead of opening a can of tuna you open
up a can of whoop ass on your cat.
* In the school cafeteria, you come up
behind a kid and hit him with a chair and look around for crowd responses.
* You walk down the aisle at a church
giving high fives as the people hold up signs and chant your name.
* You won't come out of your room until
your parents play your theme on the radio.
 
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