A
GOLF STORY
My wife told me it was about time that I
learned to play golf . . . you know, golf . . . that's the game where you chase a little
ball all over the country when you are too old to chase women.
So, I went to see Mr. Jones and asked him
if he would teach me how to play.
He said, "Sure, you've got balls don't
you?"
"Yes, but sometimes on cold mornings
they are hard to find."
"Bring them to the clubhouse tomorrow
morning and we will tee off."
"What's tee off?"
"It's a golf term and we have to tee
off in front of the clubhouse."
"Not for me," I said. "You
can tee off in front of the clubhouse if you want, but I'll tee off behind the barn
somewhere."
"No, no, a tee is a little thing about
the size of your finger."
"Yeah, I've got one of those."
"Well, you stick it in the ground and
put your ball on top of it."
"You play golf sitting down? I always
thought you stood up and walked around."
"You do, you're standing up when you
put your ball on the tee."
Well folks, I thought that was stretching
things a bit too far and I said so.
He said, "You've got a bag haven't
you?"
"Sure."
"You're balls are in it, aren't
they?"
"Of course," I told him.
"Well, can't you open your bag and
take one out?"
"I suppose I could, but I'll be damned
if I am going to."
"Don't you have a zipper on your
bag?"
"No, I am the old fashioned
type."
"Do you know how to hold your
club?"
Well, after 65 years, I should have some
sort of an idea and I told him so.
He said, "You take your club in both
hands . . . "
Well folks, I knew right then that he
didn't know what he was talking about.
Then he said, "Swing it over your
shoulder . . ."
No, no, that's not me at all. That's my
brother he's talking about.
He asked, "How do your hold your
club?"
And before I thought about it, I said,
"With two fingers."
He said that wasn't right, got behind me,
put two arms around me, and said for me to bend over and he would show me. Well, he
couldn't catch me there for nothing. I didn't spend four years in the Navy for nothing.
He said, "You hit the ball with your
club and it soars and soars. . ."
I could well imagine that.
". . . and when you're on the green .
. ."
"What's the green?"
"That's where the hole is."
"Sure you're not color blind?"
"Then you take your putter in your
hands. . ."
"What's a putter?"
"That's the smallest club made."
"That's what I got, a putter."
"And with it, you put your ball into
the hole."
I corrected him, "You mean the
putter."
"No, the ball. The hole isn't big
enough for the ball and putter too."
Well, I've seen holes big enough for a
horse and wagon.
"Then," he said, "after you
finish with the first hole, you go on to the next 17."
Well, he certainly wasn't talking about me.
After two holes I'm shot to hell.
"You mean you can't make 18 holes in
one day?"
"Hell no! It takes me 18 days to make
one hole! Besides, how do I know when I am in the 18th hole?"
"The flag will go up!"
Well, golfing is not for me.
 
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