THE LAWS OF GOLFING
LAW 1: No matter how bad
your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole,
since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer
and, eventually, a lifetime.
LAW 2: Your best round of
golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the
latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.
LAW 3: Brand new golf
balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that
the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.
LAW 4: Golf balls never
bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the
universe and should be cut down.
LAW 5: No matter what
causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You
looked up," or invoke the wrath of the universe.
LAW 6: The higher a
golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.
LAW 7: Every par-three
hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the
greater its desire.
LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is
the most painful torture known to man.
LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf
balls.
LAW 10: Sand is alive. If
it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you?
LAW 11: Golf carts always
run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.
LAW 12: A golfer hitting
into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you
accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a
convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination.
LAW 13: All 3-woods are
demon-possessed.
LAW 14: Golf balls from
the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into
the water (see Law three)
LAW 15: A severe slice is
a thing of awesome power and beauty.
LAW 16: "Nice
lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly, "tough
break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker."
LAW 17: The person you
would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.
LAW 18: The last three
holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.
LAW 19: Golf should be
given up at least twice per month.
LAW 20: All vows taken on
a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset of the same day.
 
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