SPORTS
SHORTS
Near the end of a particularly
trying round of golf, during which the golfer had hit numerous fat shots,
he said in frustration to his caddy, "I'd move heaven and earth
to break a hundred on this course."
"Try heaven,"
said the caddy. "You've already moved most of the earth."
The NFL announced today
in a press conference that one team from the league needed to be eliminated.
What officials have decided to do is combine the Green Bay Packers and
the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and form one team therefore saving jobs. They
will be known as the TAMPACKS.
They're only good for one
period and have no second string!
George looks like a golf
pro in his designer outfit but he slices his first drive deep into the
woods. Rather than accept a penalty, he decides to try using an iron
to get back on the fairway. His ball ricochets off a tree and strikes
him on the forehead, killing him.
When he arrives at the
Pearly Gates, St. Peter greets him. "You look like a golfer. Are
you any good?"
George replies, "Absolutely....
I got here in TWO, didn't I?"
A foursome is waiting at
the men's tee when another foursome of ladies are hitting from the ladies
tee. The ladies are taking their time and when finally the last one
is ready to hit the ball she hacks it about 10 feet, goes over to it,
hacks it another ten feet and looks up at the men waiting and says apologetically:
"I guess all those fucking lessons I took this winter didn't help."
One of the men immediately
replies: "No, you see there is your problem. You should have been
taking golf lessons instead."
My friend Don, a minor-league
umpire, is used to being heckled by fans. But imagine his surprise when
he was rushing to umpire an exhibition game at Coors Field in Denver.
After a long search for a place to change clothes, Don finally located
a room with a neatly lettered sign: "Dressing Room, Umpires Only."
As he was about to go in,
however, he inspected the sign more closely. Below the printed legend
was the same message ... written in Braille.
A hack golfer spends a
day at a plush country club, playing golf and enjoying the luxury of
a complimentary caddy. Being a hack golfer, he plays poorly all day.
Round about the 18th hole, he spots a lake off to the left of the fairway.
He looks at the caddy and says, "I've played so poorly all day,
I think I'm going to go drown myself in that lake."
The caddy looks back at
him and says, "I don't think you could keep your head down that
long."
A hunter was visiting another
hunter and was given a tour of his home. In the den was a stuffed lion.
The visiting hunter asked, "When did you bag him?"
The host said, "That
was three years ago, when I went hunting with my wife."
"What's he stuffed
with?" asked the visiting hunter.
"My wife!"
A fisherman returned to
shore with a giant Marlin that was larger and heavier than he was. On
the way to the cleaning shed, he ran into a buddy who had maybe a dozen
or so Rockfish. The buddy eyed the Marlin and said, "Only caught
the one, huh?"
My one neighbor Van is
a true sport fisherman. He said once he caught a Great White Shark.
Never having seen it on display in his home, I asked what happened to
it. He sighed and replied, "Well, it was too small to keep, so
me and three other guys threw it back in."
George was describing a
30 pound Bass he'd caught recently after fighting it for three hours.
Bill interrupted the story saying, "I saw the picture you took
of that fish. You're lucky if it even weighed 10 pounds."
George replied, "Well...
a fish can lose an awful lot of weight during three hours of fighting."
With the advent of Spring
in the US, a lot of avid fishermen are already out there trying their
luck. My sister-in-law's husband is probably one of the most rabid around.
Returning from a day of fishing near the Chesapeake Bay Bridge I asked
him if they were biting. He replied, "Were they? I had to lay down
in the boat just to bait my hook!"
Have you noticed that the
"Super Bowl" this year sounds more like the "Condom Bowl"?
Titans vs. Rams.
Did you know racecar spelled
backwards is racecar? Who says NASCAR isn't educational?
Did you hear Dale Earnhardt
was arrested for drugs?
They found everything but speed on him.
Did you see where that
lady that won the 20 million dollar lawsuit for the McDonald's coffee
being too hot, is suing Walmart?
Apparently she bought an Ernie Irvin Shirt and hit the wall 10 times
before she left the store.
Do you know the toughest
golf foursome to play behind?
Monica Lewinski, OJ Simpson, Ted Kennedy, and Bill Clinton. Why? Monica
is a hooker, OJ is a slicer, Kennedy can't drive over water and Clinton
doesn't know which hole to play.
In primitive society, when
native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft;
today, in civilized society, it is called golf.
What do fishermen and hypochondriacs
have in common?
They don't really have to catch anything to be happy.
Why don't girls like to
date basketball players?
You never know if they're going to dribble or shoot.
What do you call 42 rednecks
chasing a queer?
NASCAR
What's the difference between
a Metallica concert and a Tyson - Holyfield match?
After the Metallica concert, there's a ring in the ears...after the
bout, there are ears in the ring.
How many files did Evander
Holyfield download from the Mike Tyson website?
A couple of megabytes.
If Tyson gets banned for
life, he could always become a barber. Think about it: You could walk
into his shop and say, "Hey, Mike! Could you take a little off
the ears?"
Have you heard that Holyfield-Tyson
III is going to be held in Tennessee?
Don King's calling it the Chattanooga Chew Chew.
What do you call a drug
ring in Dallas?
A huddle.
Four Dallas Cowboys in
a car, who's driving?
The police.
Why can't Michael Irvin
get into a huddle on the field anymore?
It is a parole violation for him to associate with known felons.
I understand Chicago is
trying to sign Michael Irvin. They got rid of the refrigerator, so now
they want a coke machine.
The Dallas newspapers reported
yesterday that Texas Stadium is going to take out the artificial turf
because the Cowboys play better on "grass".
The Dallas Cowboys adopted
a new "Honor System", Yes your Honor, No your Honor.
The Cowboys had a 12 and
5 season this year, 12 arrests, 5 convictions.
The Cowboys knew they had
to do something for their defense, so they hired a new defensive coordinator:
Johnny Cochran.
How do the Dallas Cowboys
spend their first week at spring training?
Studying their Miranda Rights.
What's the difference between
a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
Bad Golfer: Whack! "Shit!" Bad Skydiver: "Shit!!"
Whack!!
Why don't the Amish water
ski?
The horses would drown.
How did Captain Hook die?
Jock itch.
Why doesn't Mexico have
an Olympic team?
Because everybody who can run, jump, and swim is already in the U.S.
What does Tiger Woods have
that Princess Di didn't?
A good driver. (I know...very bad taste!)
The worst golf player in
history must have been Adolf Hitler.
He never got out of the bunker.
A Jew, a Catholic and a
Mormon were having drinks at the bar following an interfaith meeting.
The Jew, bragging on his virility said, "I have four sons. One
more and I'll have a basketball team."
The Catholic, pooh-poohed
this accomplishment, stating, "That's nothing! I have 10 sons,
one more and I'll have a football team."
The Mormon replied, "You
fellas ain't got a clue. I have 17 wives. One more and I'll have a golf
course."
A man said to his golfing
friend, "I hit two of my best balls yesterday!"
"Oh yeah?"
"Yeah, I stepped on
a rake in the bunker."
Manager: "I'm sorry.
Sir, we have no time open on the course today."
Golfer: "Wait a minute,
what if Arnold Palmer and Jack Nicklaus showed up? I'm sure you'd find
a starting time for them."
Manager: "Of course
we would, sir."
Golfer: "Well, I happen
to know they're not coming, so we'll take their time."
Four women were out on
the golf course, when one pointed out a white blur approaching from
a distance.. As it grew closer, they could see it was a streaker drawing
near.. As the nude guy ran past the women one said, "My golly,
who is that? Was that Dick Green??"
Another answered, "I
don't think so. I think it was just the reflection."
A college football lineman
married one of the team's cheerleaders. The coach said, "You're
such a big guy--why did you marry such a petite woman? She's no bigger
than your hand."
"That's right, Coach,"
replied the lineman, "but she's much better!"
Two women were at a bar.
One looked at the other and said, "You know, 80 percent of all
men think the best way to end an argument is to make love."
"Well," said
the other woman," That will certainly revolutionize the game of
hockey!"
There was a football coach
that had a player on his team that was a bit low. The Dean told him
that if the player could learn the formula for water, then he would
be allowed to play in the big game.
The day of the big game
came and the Dean called the player into his office and asked him to
recite the formula for water. The player grinned real big and said,
"H I J K L M N O."
A couple met on a golf
course, and fell in love. A few weeks later, the guy said, "It's
only fair to warn you, I'm a golf nut. I live, eat, breath, and sleep
golf."
The lady said, "Since
we are being honest here, I have something to tell you, I'm a hooker."
The guy looked down to
ground, and thought for a minute, and then looked up and said, "It's
probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit
the ball."
ZZZZZ
 
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